Lived Experience Forum

[rosey]

Hi,

So it turns out I have been avoiding dealing with depression and anxiety for years, steming from trauma and chronic illness. My partner (can read my story over in the carers section) left me after 12 years together. Things hadn't been great but I didnt and still dont think they were separation worthy issues. 

Anyway he has his own issues, most likely depression, PTSD and/or mid life crisis, but since he left my issues have come screaming to the surface. My psychologist said I have been silently suffering while focusing on him and now I dont have him around I cant ignore how I am feeling. I know not all my depression is about him but it definetly feels like it is making it harder for me to deal with life. I am extremely depressed to the point I am scaring myself. I cry all the time, I dont want to do anything and can not generally see the point. It hurts all the time especially when I see others so happy, very opposite to how I have been my whole life, although if I'm honest I have been feeling chronically depressed some time now.

I would love some advise from anyone who has had their heart shattered and has depression and how they got themself through. I want him back but pretty sure it isn't going to happen and I realise even if we did reconcille that he isn't going to make it all go away. Pandoras box is open.

BTW I have seen a psychiatrist and waiting for a plan to be made, seen psycologists and on ADs. I feel like I have now lost the only person who had any idea of what I have been thorugh (as he went through it too) and have no one who truely understands. 

TIA

[frog]

Hello @rosey I feel for you. I can probably understand some of what you're going through because my husband of 19 years announced one morning that he wanted to separate and by evening was gone. Like you I thought the relationship was viable and it was a total bolt from the blue. I can really identify with: silently suffering while focusing on him. This was me for 10 years. We have kids and I put myself last. I had struggled with anxiety and depression all my life, but after this event it was brought into very sharp focus. Within a 18 months the enormous stress led to a manic episode and I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, which in fact I'd had for 30 years. I couldn't let go of the relationship for about 2 years, and things were very complicated because of the kids.

Heartbreak doesn't heal quickly, but you do now have some space to focus on yourself and what you need. It's really good that you have reached out for support and have some professional help in place. Finding the right psychologist was key for me. I have been seeing him for 4 years now, and while it has not been a steady progression I have come a long way. It is hard work but it's so worth it.

One thing I am still working on, is that I had relied on the relationship with my husband for support to the neglect of other friendships. It is hard to break out of that mentality because I'd been stuck in it for so long. I am also redifining my relationship with my kids because I really neglected my own self care.

Medication has also been an important part of the picture for me. It took me a year to accept the Bipolar diagnosis and a further year to get the medication right. My guess is you have accepted your diagnosis and will not have the same struggle with meds (Bipolar is a difficult balancing act and some of the drugs were awful). If it isn't working, or the side effects are too awful, speak up. There are always alternatives.

If the breakup is very recent and raw, this is a real crisis point. Make your self care #1. If that's hard, start small. I started with walking around the block to ease my overwhelming anxiety, and finding temporary distractions from the terrible grief and shock. Over time I gained ground.

I imagine it's impossible to see right now, but there is hope.

I am thinking of you @rosey Be kind to yourself.

[Awpgirl]

@rosey I can relate and my heart goes out to you. My ex husband walked out on me when I was seriously ill in hospital. He was well aware of my PTSD why I had it (multiple violent sexual assaults) depression and a potentially life threatening heart condition. <br>After ten years married to a man that I lived and adored; thinking he loved and adored me; he waited like a coward until I was in hospital to leave me. Thinking of you

[rosey]

I’m so sorry. That’s horrible. How are you coping? Have you had any closure or reconciliation? Did he atleast explain his actions. Either way what a cowards way to deal with life and your relationship.

I’m my case it’s both of us with mental health issues. Do you think that’s the case for you too?

[Awpgirl]

@rosey I am sorry that you too have had such a similar situation.

I don't know the reason. At this stage I am trying to move on with my life.

[rosey]

Any advise @Awpgirl from someone who still can’t seem to move on or let go of hope after 3 months. This limbo land is not helping my depression and anxiety, which is effecting my physical health and I keep being suggested that hospital is my next step.

I can’t imagine what your going through yourself. I hope you have a good support network.

[Awpgirl]

My ex husband left me years ago. I spent a huge amount of time before our break up in and out of hospital and a huge amount of time after our breakup in and out of hospital.

Being in hospital only helps me when it is to keep me physically safe.

The only advise I have is to keep in contact with the world in some way.

Someone once told me that I must truly believe in love because despite all the heartache and pain I still seek out love.

When I was at a very dark place not so long after my ex husband left me; I knew I had to make a decision. To spend the rest of my life a bitter person who was angry at the actions of other people's. Or to spend my life with hope and love in my heart and a strong desire to get as well as I can.

It's not easy and sometimes I revisit that dark place.i hope that overall I am making a positive change.

[rosey]

@frog I so sorry for your pain and suffering. And thank you for sharing your story. So much of it rings familiar with my own situation. I too feel my friendships have suffered at the cost of his friends so I also have lost a big chunk of my social network. I realised after he left that I lost friends (his mates) who I care about but he didn’t loose any as he never really wanted to hang out with mine or maybe I kept them separate. Who knows.

You are very right, it’s very hard to see hope that things will get better with out him. However, I’m not in denial that we aren’t together any more but it’s still new enough that I still carry that little bit of hope that he may come around and allow us to work together to create a stronger relationship. Stupid I know but It’s days when that hope is hiding or he smashes the hope apart (most likely me reading into something that shouldn’t be read into) that are the worst so allowing me to get through days easier than others. I fear the day we finally sort the finances and go our separate ways. So far neither of us is making that move. I’m (probably stupidly) hoping that’s a good sign for now. I just don’t know how long I can stay in this limbo. Plus I need the money. He doesn’t so I guess that’s an element to it too-no pressure for him.

I am really struggling with the self care. I have multiple chronic illnesses so it’s super important but I also, embarrassed to say, don’t know what taking care of me really is. I’m assuming eating right, exercising etc. but it’s been so long that I’ve thought of only me Im just not really sure what I should be doing. Any suggestions?

[rosey]

@Awpgirl I keeping thinking I should be over it after 3 months but get the feeling with depression and anxiety at play I have months ahead of me and I’m already so tired.
I know that dark place. I’m there now and it’s only my job (that ends end of March) that is getting me out of bed atm.
I’m not bitter or angry which is surprising just hurt, sad, lonely, rejected and scared. Depressed. I tend to empathise and make excuses for his behaviour in turn making me self doubt and loathe myself- why can’t I fix this, why can’t I make him better, what did I do that made him stop loving me. I know deep down his issues aren’t to do with me which seems like the case for you aswel but always that doubt Im not good enough or my I’ll health was just too much. I want him to be happy I really do but I wish it was with me still (I used to make him very happy) or atleast if he could stop hurting me.

[Awpgirl]

@frog reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to so much that you posted.

My heart goes out to all of us.