Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope, made me cry healing tears. I did a long reply but server dropped out and I lost it :(. But thanks forvthose suggestions. That room is a library/storage room now. More to the point - not possible to happen now. It was decades ago. I don’t wanna claim the space, would rather 🔥 it, but I do light insence when bad flashbacks intrude - kind of reclaims the airspace I guess. Candles - I tend to use them more for pure, loving thoughts.

Thanks again, means a lot. 🌸💕

[Appleblossom]

Hugz @Former-Member

I really struggled with having money and can relate to your struggle.  All the thoughts that I dont deserve it, and seeing others who do, and having funny little self punishing rituals.  

I think the Elder was wise.

Take your time with making the decisions.

We often over generalise and forget to see ourselves as worthy.  In my religion we actually had to say that "I am not worthy ..."

Please be kind to you with your finances.

Re the poverty in the world. What If you were able to achieve more for the world, by looking after your needs simply, and then by living well, influence those around you gently and positively.

Money Does not Fix it ... You are right .... and I discovered when I have helped various people, whether with my own money/gifts or through VInnies ... it is the both ... wise spending of the money ... opening opportunities.

Please be kind to you with your looks.

I have had a big few days. One day all day in CBD and the other out in the country.

I am not sure that people have withdrawn from you.  I just see that lots of people are struggling under the weight of their burdens ... or their cross ... keep reaching out and being spontaneous.  You are much more positive and funny by nature than I am, and it is good for me to see.  

Your friend Apple

[Former-Member]

Aww, shucks 👀 Apple 🍎🌸😊 thanks
I’ll figure it out, slowly but surely 🌼

Yes @ Dec, the memories at my parents is hard sometimes. Ya push it down mostly but then out of the blue - pow - there it is in my face.

Last nights was a flashback pretty much without the emotion - just sad, and intrusive.

 Did you ever resolve how you felt at your parents house? I think that’s one of the reasons I’m here, much has been resolved. Mum was s big part of it - I stopped being frightened sleeping here when she died. How sad is that 😞

With the trip away, Think I might ask this church friend if we can just bring our OWN food. Or or go halves in the veggies & fruit for sharing when we get there. It’s not a gathering. It’s a church friend keeping me company while I take time out for my late girl’s 21st w’end.

Or maybe go halves in the veggies & fruit for sharing when we get there. It’s not a gathering. It’s a church friend keeping me company while I take time out for my girls b’day. It’s a good idea but she ‘fusses’ - (used to be a disabilities Activities Officer), and I just want silence. See how I go.

HMM, You hit the nail on the head there Dec my being 

-  ”uncertain about this new life”

-  “it will take a while for you to adapt to all the culture shock”

And

i hope you’re right saying

”but it will pass - I can promise you that”

With visualising my girl, it’s hard getting past the horror images of the night she died... ... ...

😢, oh, now look what what you’ve done. Have to have a break...

[Shaz51]

hugs @Former-Member

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I know it's really hard for you atm - and has been for a long time - it may take many years to get past all of it - I understand

I need family as much as anyone - I do have my daughter's families that's true but I don't see them often though we are on good terms - but as for my sibs - no - they are not people I like and I need a peaceful life without them but I still need people - the difference is I have had long enough to get along by myself

I have no doubt the circumstances around your daughter's death are seriously traumatic - but please don't compare that with anyone else's experiences. I was upset last night - and I know you didn't intend to upset me so I have let that go. Enough to remind you my son was in prison and that he had an MI and let it go because everyone's story is different - we are all different - and things affect us differently.

I have been able to move so from so much - how have I moved on with out have the bitterness poison me? I really had to think about that - mostly I had and have no intention of letting my mother's and my sister's toxicity spoil anymore of my life and being alone with a good book, my movies and documentaries and my piano fill the empty spaces with things I enjoy - main thing though - I have had years longer to accommodate all of it so far and know in spite of everything I have lived a successful life in my own understanding

I understand and care about you - that will not go away - you are not a bad person because of the way your life turned out - cruel mother, toxic sibs and your own health issues - you are better than the othe people in  your life and you can't change them and you don't have to like them - and believe me - I know how hard this is

But I still care

Dec

[Former-Member]

Oh @ Dec please don’t think for a second that that I was minimalising the trauma surrounding your son’s loss, not in the slightest, nor am I trying to compare, or upset you - honestly would never want to upset you, my goodness.

I asked if you had to identify your sons body etc because a flashback was triggered & I needed to get that out, but also because, IF YOU HAD TO SEE THOSE THINGS OVER AND OVER YOURSELF,  IT WOULD BE HELPFUL TO KNOW HOW YOU COPE WITH THOSE HORRIBLE IMMAGES ALL THESE YEARS.

I’ve not talked with anyone about that, or on how to handle it. But I have learned to ride it out with ‘emergency ‘on the spot’ Mindfulness Meditations (x5 senses). That’s all.

I know it’s not a competition, nor is it all about me. I understand the differences, the complexities, it’s changed who we are, and like me with my girls csa, juvenile justice / protective services and family court custody battle, for 5yrs - I really can appreciate how your boys prison experience must have complicated your grief process terribly, to this day. It has mine

- It’s all - so - NOT FAIR ❗️

Such a PAINFUL TOPIC too hard for most people to handle really. Any wonder people run far away from us. It’s like a curse.

 ______

I came online just now to get support because public guardian rang and pretty much have decided to make dad permanent (not let him come home) I’m mixed up / jumbled feelings everywhere.

She asked me “how many steps” and gasped to hear “27steps from the footpath into his home here” x8 from carport. Her tone changed saying “I will be coming to a decision by the end of the week” - Pretty much made up her mind to make him PERMANENT by her tone.

Why hey am I upset, I saw it coming but it’s upsetting just the same, and Ive has to lay down.

But rocky here too, really must go offline and shower & get some more groceries, diet shakes... maybe visit dad. If ‘the faints’ ease up enough to drive. Catch up later 🌸💕

[Owlunar]

I understand and that's okay @Former-Member - verbal diarrhoea - I get it and I can tell you

I did see my son after death but it was at the funeral home - I had to go to make sure it was him - I was confused and felt we were organising a funeral for someone who hadn't died

The things I had most trouble with were his being in prison, his self-harm and suicide attempts - also he was breaking the law and it was all getting so much more serious - I was so scared at the time. And he would push me into a corner yelling at me and I hid my fear of him but it was there still

I was in a car accident two days before he died and I was in hospital when my then-h came and told me - and they had me sedated with strong pain-killers so I was out of it at first - that's why I was confused I think - but that all past

Then I had back-flashes - PTSD - it was what had been going on with his BDP - it had been so hard to deal with and one thing I have learned that if the relationship was complex and negative the grief process is complicated too - 

So I had therapy - the psychologist practised hypnotic catharis - I did a lot of yelling and crying in the sessions- and there was so much shit inside me that had to come out and this guy died unfortunately but by the time he died I had recovered a great deal - the first few years after my son died were the worst. Was it 7 years - I think so - I started seeing this guy in 1987 and he died in 1996 I think - the first 7 years was the worst 7 years though and over all this time I have got better and better but still have some dark days - they get less but they are still rough when I have them

I don't know if people run away from us or it just seems that way. I don't tell many people about what when on for 16 years - only that I had a very unhappy baby who became an unhappy and destructive child and I refused to drive him away or dump him - I think it would have been worse for me if I had - but like you - I lost everything

It all changed my life - I think for the better in the long run - I tended to be arrogant and now I am more sensitive to other people and listen better - I know everyone has a story and whatever it is I respect it - sometimes our stories are all we have and we had better make it a good one. I believe I have a good story - I believe you  will too - in time - when that Black Dog learns to stay in its kennel - 

Time is the secret Lapses - that is what nearly 50 years of someone else's time does - plenty of time - no one says it's easy and anyone who tells us to get over it has no idea of how traumatic it all is. It does frighten people though - they are scared of it happening in their families - some people think they know it all better than we do - my sister is one of those - 

I hope this helps

Dec

[Former-Member]

@ Dec, one thing about being needy and reaching out for help, is the assumption the person who comes to your aid is ‘strong, and all knowing’. I have to remind myself that we’re not, we’re all struggling, all in this together, barely staying afloat ourselves, especially here on saneforums. We’re all sensitive & sometimes reactive in one way or another, having our good and bad days.

Your boy’s funeral viewing day would have been hard for you. I remember my son saying “that’s not my sister, that’s someone else” None of us wants to believe a young person has died. It’s wrong. I remember saying to the minister at my 13yo girls viewing “did I do this?” You know, I can’t even remember his response. But as mothers we spend years literally saving their life then all of a sudden we fail to,  shock!

It’s just a horrible mess.

Thank God for the resurrection in Jesus
We don’t know our kids hearts before God in those last moments but I know the Lord is compassionate, see’s past the scourge of disease, including chemical imbalances & inheretited sins of the fathers. I like to believe they are now safe in the Lords care, now perfect in His sight, cleansed by Christ and busy getting back on track with their eternal purpose, and we will see them again 🙂  My teen was snappy with me & evasive and even hurtful that last year, but I know that’s gone now (no hormone imbalances in heaven) and she is in her true image of God state. Me too

It comforts me to talk of heaven,
my hope 🙏🏽

Stay strong forum sister 💕
“together we can”

[Former-Member]

 🌸💕

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

That is beautifully written - and yes - we are all in it together - up to our necks in it - or over our heads - it depends on the phases of the moon or the weather or something - but here we are

I saw him alone - his father wanted to remember him as he was - as he was - unhappy, confused, often living rough, often dirty - sometimes intoxicated - and when I saw him I could see - he was at peace - and I don't think he had been at peace in all his life.

But for you - a short story - a true one. I was in the Children's Court and the case went on for 7.5 hours over 2 days and by the time I was called up to give evidence I was worn out - I knew he was watching me but I didn't look at him - and I refused to swear and oath on the Bible because it the Bible it warns us against it. So the magistrate asked me if I would swear an oath by Almighty God and I said

"Seeing as it is required I shall render under Caesar that which is Caesar's" and did so - in fact I believe now that this may have been the most important thing I ever said.

I didn't say this to entertain the court - I was standing on my religious beliefs and that can be brutally hard sometimes

However I had attracted my son's attention and when I saw him in Juvenile Detention the next week he asked me about it and I explained and he started to talk about Jesus and wanted to be a Christian - I assured him the Christ had died especially for people like him - for all the sad and lost people and all the good people too - but mostly for people like him 

I told my uncle the story - which is much longer than this - and I believe my son was sancitified by my faith and this cannot be shaken - he showed the intention and he was highly intelligent. I hold onto this memory - and I went through this with him but we were alone - only a handful of professional people cared enough but those who did care a lot,

Thank God indeed for the resurrection and the life - thank God for his intervention. Now we see as through a glass that distorts our vision - when the perfect comes we shall see perfectly - so  wonderful to have this knowledge - I feel as if I was chosen - maybe you are  too - God only picks those he can trust to endure so much sorrow

I believe as mothers that we give our children their lives and then we give them their lives again - for themselves. God did this with us - he gave us free will and as our children grow toward adulthood they find their own free will

And it is so hard to do this - but God's son died too - look what we did to our saviour - and we know now that Christ rose from the dead but it had never happened before and I have thought how God must have felt through those days - for his love is perfect - 

I believe in all of this - I really do - and I have faith strong enough to study all of this and doubt it at times but I always come back to it

Together we can - certainly together we can - and I believed that God has chosen for us to find each other in the dark night and here we are - I am here for you my dear sister

Dec