Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

@Former-Member

Hi overthedge

It is so questionable ....the why. I am gladdened that your husband is able at times to be yor support base, although your image says so much. I hope you find peace for you, somehow your daughter's situation will resolve. I send you all my blessings. 

The sadness and fearfulness will eventually resolve again - I am so over the revolving hamster wheel. My mind is in a dark and nasty place again. It would be so good to just make it stop. 

I am sogging up the keyboard as I write to you, perhaps it is better to allow the emotions to flow. I feel so badly for you and the situation you are in - there is only so much you can take from a loved one. 

Back to the why..........Is it worth keeping going, I just don't know for me. For you yes definately - lot's of positives in your post.

Regards Bast

[Ricardorider]

Hi @Former-Member. I have my own issues and also dealing with parents who aren;t as young as they used to be 🙂  I feel overwhelmed at times. Mum is in F/T care, Dad is coping but misses mum and my sister is annoying everyone. Sometimes i wonder who gets priority aftre me. If I was at work am wondering how things would get done. I look after me then who ever is next on the list so to speak. Its tiring its annoyng and you wonder how did we get through, we do get through, so be kind to you, put you first then go from there each day. Hope that helps.

[Bast]

@Ricardorider @Kurra

Hi

Do you love your parents? If so you will never get to to do anything more important, for you and just show your love, however and whenever you can. 

Mine - it was all over early, nothing was Ok, so I had to leave at 18. It started when I was 4. Back again i went back after pretty ghastly DV, great stuff to have a nose #+++. I was very very colourful and pretty for a long while. Just a little sad as well, best though to not admit it back then. 

Found freinds - did stuff - escape from my head.

Again the parental thing escalated - out of the place again and living in a tiny, smelly caravan.

Tried to build the bridge - Mo's hatred was palpable - I had wrecked her from being born, Fa's caring continued although highly influenced. Mo had an adopted child first - neatly trained and receptive as a baby. I was not.

Mo subsequently produced another child 5 years later. 

PND she said ruled her life and the 13 year loss of me.

Tried to repair ........was not to be

There are so many segments of my childhood that are really unpleasant. Although my fa was a constant, no one ever addressed the nasty stuff or even asked if I was ok. i Invited them to my wedding, receptivisms all delayed. They came, I just felt nothing.

If you have parents that need you and you are OK with them - please just show it. Care, love and be compassionate.

With thoughts and regards

Bast

[Former-Member]

Hello my dear @Bast

The "whys" are very questionable indeed. Sometimes buried deep at a subconscious level. Depression is usually a combination of many ills - mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and the more issues there are as to "why" the more complex the mental health issues are.

But please know you are not alone in this. And that many care. I have been where you are and in those dark times we can't see our value, the positive or any light in reasons for being in that black, what seems endless hole. But you have them in spades my friend. For the short time I have engaged with you here I have felt your warmth and how special you are. If I can feel that across the airways, can you imagine how you touch those face to face. And they care in return for your welfare.

And yes, I can also feel your despair which I know well, mine being at it's root grief -  and the agony and fear of what it does to my mind and soul. The feelings of the roll coaster that at times shows "no way out", that brick wall which gives birth to despair. And then it all gets too hard like walking uphill all the time, which I face mostly daily. But even in the darkest of situations there is always a way out when there is hope, purpose and a will. And love. And you and me can find that good, regardless how small, in our lives each day. And that is what keeps us going even in the darkest moments. And that positivity is what enables us to carry the pain better towards a better quality of life. As does indeed looking after the needs of our physical body and our social needs to connect, which seems to get neglected when in such emotional pain.

I have suffered a lot from grief, having my trust betrayed, and that hasn't really changed. But I cope with it better now even though I can still grieve and have my moments of deep dark pain (when I see only pain in the future) - I now carry it better as that vision is challenged and the above coping mechanisms exercised. It all comes down to an act of will. Similar along the lines of what Kurra saids. And it does lessen the pain. It does allow for better quality of life. And it does allow for us to carry out the reason we are here. Which we all have but can't see when in such pain or when it jus seems all too much.

 It's going with the flow and defying the hurt pushing through with a vision of better times ahead, no matter what's life throws at us. And when we have those moments of peace in the present grab them, enjoy them doing those activities and goals we love (making time for us), and making the most of live. It's all about balance. And this is done with one step at a time. One day at a time. It's the only way. Hanging on to the past or looking too far into the future will overwhelm in the moment and hence we fall into that hole again. 

Sometimes two steps back and another forward, but we move forward very slightly each time. It's possible When we find a will, a reason. And there's always at least one...And when we least expect it someone will come along and point out that reason to us. Your work my friend. The people you touch. As you did me. And I thank you from my very essence for your kindness and the hope you gave me which meant so much. And helped me so much. And finding what you are passionate about again, what drives you that the pain seeks to rob us of. And to "not give up" striving for it.

Pour your heart out my friend and let your emotions flow. As I will always be here for you to dry the tears.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ricardorider

I can't add much to the wonderful post above only to say I know that feeling of being overwhelmed when crisis hits a family unit and I thank you for sharing with me as that makes me feel less alone. And yes, it does help. I can imagine the stress and the grief your father bears - and your sister would be acting up as a result. That's the way it's effecting her. And it's all backflowing onto you. Extremely stressful times. We do need to look after ourselves in order to help others who may need us. You are right, if that isn't happening we are not much good to anyone. Hence why I have started to exercise again although under the grief it is the last thing I feel like pursuing. But know I must look after myself for any chance of success and quality of life.

When one member of the family unit goes down it puts extra strain on the other which can seem all a bit too much. I know that well. My husband knew it when I had a breakdown. But the sacrifice and love given at those times is the greatest thing we can ever do and is what will never be forgotten. Is what matters in the end. Your Dad needs you but would not want that to your detriment. So looking after you is just as important. The balance. This situation will not be your forever - hang onto your dreams. Thank you for reaching out.

[Ricardorider]

@Kurramy sister and I don't have problems with our parents. We were a very happy family growing up. So no issues there. The stress of seeing your parents grow old and mum is in care as she has dementia. Watching this on Dad is hard, they have been married for 50yrs. The child becoming the parent is very challenging. No guide book has been written. The books out there are very challenging to read, people are bearing their souls and writing the books is cathartic for them, thats good they can put their feelings on paper too 🙂 For me its hard to see this and am not cur out to be a carer. I do my best and sometimes i do too much. Its a balancing act looking after me, looking for a job and keeping an eye on Dad too.

[Ricardorider]

@Former-Member, We are subjected to a lot of challenges (the human race) It becomes personal when its family as you say. For me loss of my career, having to re-invent myself and this is my 3rd go at it is taxing, it doesn't get easier. I worked in that environment for 12yrs I know its hard and things get harder as we age job searching to name one. Our economy isn't helping either. I digress, I do as much as i can for Dad and know that mum is getting the care she needs.

I too was bullied in the workplace, I worked so many contracts am now anti casualisation and contracting. Am not missing out on anything believe me. Its a toxic environment and contributed to my anxiety and anger issues. finding that balance again is very challenging, I have a couple of bikes and on sunny days like today should be out there. but am not as motivated as i once was. I do my best to find that balance there are good days and not so good days. I am a realist, I am finding people who want it sugar coated a pain and maybe like you have found there are a lot of unhappy perfectionists out there. Like I said I do my best. We all do our best.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Ricardorider

I enjoyed reading your post and learning more of your situation. I can also relate and understand to a lot of what you are saying.

So true, all we can do is our best. And if that's what we are doing it's enough. But sometimes when life throws me constant spanners, I can hit a brick wall there where I get "disillusioned" with life. When I give my best and perhaps get a slap in the face in return. Time and time again. Sound familiar? Certainly that is a motivation zapper. And there is life's greatest challenge to overcome.

That's when I have to be driven on an act of will. And not give into the grief of it all, the stress, the discouragement. The hard bit for me. I think we are all faced with these obstacles but it's how we approach them and eal with it makes all the difference. As when faced with such disillusionment in life, with repeated disappointments, as you have experienced with employment, we can start to lose a belief in ourselves and our efforts without fully realising, only recognising we do everything half heartedly. Our best is not driven at that time and provides an opening for depression.

Yes being a realist, it is what it is, there is no denying this at times - but there are realities that some can see and some cannot according to their perception and the way they look at things. Where others see the end, some see as another door opening. It's how we approach life sometimes and deal wth things.

An example of that is; 19 yrs ago my husband was given 18 months to live when he was diagnosised with terminable cancer. We were to told to go away, prepare and get ready for him to die. No treatment was offered. Shock set in and then anger. That was the reality and we could of resigned to that,  but we were not going to accept that without a fight. And that we did, fought for him to receive adequate treatment. Stayed positive and held onto hope. My husband then believed that he could beat it.  That was 19 yrs ago. He still undergoes mild chemotherapy but is alive, the cancer no longer throughout his body and he does have quality of life. Never accept a reality without a fight. That's our best.

You will eventually land another job. Yes there is job discrimination and they are harder to get but if you never give up trying you will get that job. For certain. We cannot lose all the time - when constant determination is there one day we will win. That's also a reality my friend. How we deal, look at and approach a reality determines whether it is set in stone or not. And when we have tried every avenue and cannot change things, we resign and accept, and then make a new reality by opening another door....

Perfectionism to me is not a reality - we can always better ourselves but to be human is to be flawed. Failure comes when we do nothing about it - not the end result. It's in the trying and good intentions that builds character and success. Don't give up my friend. Don't let the bullies win.

I can understand the stress you are under and how draining that can be. I feel like that and need at least 9 hours sleep to recharge and start again. If I were you I would be working on those beautiful bikes and plan a day out to ride into the sunset. Throw your worries to the wind for the day and feel the breeze on your face again. Forget the human race and your worries for awhile and know what it's like to feel free for a day. And hold onto that feeling on the bad days. My husband loves bikes for that very reason. 

[Ricardorider]

@Former-MemberThanks for you reply OTE. After a long talk with my psych I knew i needed time away from the centrelink merry go round. Temping or contracting as it is now called, is almost day labour from the 1930's Its a lot of effort to keep employers happy. I do good work and was never picked up for bad work. I could go into the personality crap that contractors are subjected to, bu that says it all.

I have looked into self employment options. Having spent a long time geting others onto the right track, the irony is no one does that anymore. The onus is on the 'jobseekers; which is an indictment on 'the system' we have now. Self employment does require start up $$ which i don't have. Its not impossible to go it alone without a franchise, just a lot harder. I mentioned 'compromise" in life to be at least satisfied each day or each weekend. my compromise is like many others. I will do some volunteer work, a couple of days week. Am a people person, I know my Myers Briggs, I know re-reading it every so often is a good way to remind you of your good points and who you are. When a person isn't thanked, appreciated and rejected etc self esteem goes down hill. All this sounds good, but I said it so often i know it backwards 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hello again @Ricardorider

I think you will find the volunteer work very rewarding, as there you will be appreciated for the effort you put in.

When we don't feel appreciated we do tend to question our value as a person. I can't tell you the good people who can be worth their weight in gold, whom have expressed to me that they feel like failures in life. Nothing could be the opposite. But that is mainly because people aren't telling them how much they value them. Not good. 

I have found that. Luckily my husband, a few friends and people I work with have expressed this to me at times. My daughter on the other hand, whom I basically lived for and gave so much love to does the opposite. And the self esteem does suffer. I think you will find your Dad and mother appreciates you greatly - your mum unable to express it, and so many think it but often neglect to say it. Saying it to ourselves is helpful - but there is nothing like hearing it from others. When someone misses us, that is one way of saying they appreciate us. 

I think it is a good idea to keep considering going into work for yourself and leave your options open there. Yes it is hard and often we need money to set up - depending on the type of business. Starting small and building up may be an option. You are a good worker and have every chance of success there. Perhaps an option for the future when you aren't under as much stress. 

A toxic environment is always a wise decision to keep ones distance from. Whether that be work or personal life. That is what I do to protect my mind and well being. With you 100 percent on that one.