Lived Experience Forum

[Thinker]

My first time here, I don't know if it's the right place but I feel I need to say something.

Recently, the person I thought I was vanished. I was a "normal" kid until I felt this weird emotion inside my body, and it made me question what it is. I stayed with the feeling and followed it. It was a peaceful feeling, until I wanted to stop and go back to what I was doing, but I couldn't get out of it. The weird feeling has made me question why i study, why I work, why do anything? Motivation is gone, passion is gone. I'm no longer interested or care for the universe, or the things within it. My identity is gone. People call my name and I respond by I know it's not "me". I don't feel I am the body I'm in, I don't feel I am my mind, or a student or a worker, or a friend, or anything. In fact, those things to me seem like they're fake identies we accept and play the role of them because we don't really know who we are or what we are... that's the thought I have about that. I can't study anymore and I can't work... I can't do anything, I just don't care because I fee it's pointless, there's no permanent reward. At the same time, I'm actually really deeply happy. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel anything negative. I don't care if I become a bum and have nothing, because I feel that this whole universe is like a dream. I actually can't tel the difference between a dream, sleep, and this waking life.
I don't know anything. All morals and concepts and ideas that I believed were gone. I don't see good or evil, I see them as the same thing... like two sides of the same coin.
I have no sense of why I should be certain things or why I shouldn't be doing certain things.
I feel I don't even exist. That I am just a thought that was given and taught to me since birth.
Basically, I don't know who I am. Who is the one typing this? Speaking this? An experiexper? But I can talk about the experiencer, so how can I be that?
That's literally the inner dialogue that I witness. I don't ask these questions, mind asks them, I observe the mind asking and trying to find some sort of identity.
I have a feeling that I am not the body or mind, and that the universe doesn't exist the way it appears, and I feel this joy because of it. I don't know why this has happened.
I'm typing because friends and family are concerned, they call me crazy, delusional, etc
I mean this when I say it... I don't know anything, and I don't know who I am... but, I am. I am nothing. I don't feel the need to do anything, I just feel this life is a 3D movie, and I'm the producer, the writter, the actor, within my point of view. I'm just watching all sensations and thoughts change forever, and I'm the screen which all this appears on.

Please tell me what the hell is going on...

[supernova]

Hi @Thinker,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for your post!

Perhaps this is far-fetched, but I wonder if you've had an enlightenment experience. In Zen I believe the first time one experiences this they call it kensho...

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kensh%C5%8D

Just a thought...?

supernova.

[CherryBomb]

Hello @Thinker,

Weclome to the Forums.

From what you've written, it sounds like a confusing, yet somehow peaceful state to be in. May I ask how long you've felt this way? And did anything happen when you started to feel this way?

Your family and friends sound quite concerned by this change in behaviour. What are your thoughts in how they are responding?

[Thinker]

Thanks for your reply,

I don't know if that's what this is, but even if it was, I still would not know because sense of self is gone.
I feel there is nobody home, everything is just happening... like how a flower grows. It doesn't think it's a flower or think how it should grow, it just does. I kinda feel like that. That things are happening, and I'm watching it all.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Thinker,

I've gone through a lot of cosmic questioning of these kinds of issues over my life and still now. I too can feel a deep inner peace or contentment with whatever happens, in some ways. At the same time I still struggle with everyday life and its demands on the everyday human aspect of me. These days I do, mostly,  emotionally 'identify' with my human self (including the constructions of identity that I and others have layered upon this relatively blank canvas at birth). At the same time I recognise those constructions very often, in a part of my mind. 

What you describe in regards emotional detachment reminds me of about six months in my life when I was 19. During this time I woke, sat on the loungeroom floor and spent most of the time immobile looking at the ceiling and just thinking about the kinds of things you describe. My emotions were relatively tranquil while my mind tried to come to understanding of the meaning of things. After several hours of this each day, I would then find myself rousing and going out to an activity I was involved with in the evening and participating as usual. Next day several hours the same on the floor again.

Although your post describes feelings of happiness and satisfaction with your new perceptions, I also hear some concern that you may have for yourself. I wonder too what it is that specifically disturbs your friends and family about your behaviour at present.

Wishing you well.

[Thinker]

It does seem confusing, but to theres no confusion because theres no me to be confused. So i guess it can be confusing for others that haven't experienced what I am.

Felt this was for over a month.
When I started feeling this way, the idea of wanting to go back to how I was seemed like a Joke. University seemed like a joke, working seemed like a joke, becoming somebody or something great seemed like a joke. I would laugh randomly when people told me their problems and when they were very serious about something.
I just found it funny because they have no idea theyre speaking from their thoughts, not themselves.
People didn't like that, so I learnt to bite my lip to not laugh.

My thoughts about how they are responding. I have no personal thoughts, they're just doing what they think is right. Isn't that what we all do?

[Thinker]

Mazarita,

Thank you for your response.
I feel very deeply for you and I don’t know why. I don’t know what to say. The concern is from the mind for me, but it’s not strong. It has just been picked up because of people being concerned. I can see through it, and It makes me laugh… because that’s how the mind works, it brings an idea in your head, and you follow it because you think its your idea.

[Thinker]

@supernova

[Thinker]

@Mazarita

[Thinker]

@CherryBomb