Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

thanks so much @Appleblossom 

yes it is very sad our mothers can't or won't help us as children

today i feel sad, can't work out why

i feel very grateful for the compensation

yes it is hard and long to gather all information together.  I had to gather 13 years of invoices, information for the lawyer - but i did it.

i am trying to give HOPE to others reading this.

take care my friend xxxx

[tyme]

How's today been for you @BlueBay ??

Thinking of you.

[BlueBay]

hi @tyme 

i feel unsettled (hard to explain how i feel)

i am taking one day at a time and going slow, giving myself to rest and be easy on myself

i am also having a lot of trouble sleeping (staying asleep) and then i am exhausted by lunchtime, so i have a nap, go to bed early because i am still exhausted and not sleep.  It's a vicious cycle. It's reallyt not good for mental health when you can't sleep.

[tyme]

You're right. Not having much sleep certainly affects one's mental health. @BlueBay 

I hearing you on that one. 

How's your Little A? She must nearly be 8?

[BlueBay]

Little A is 6 now @tyme   I can't believe she has almost finished prep.  She told her mum today not to buy her too many presents for Christmas so she could save her money.  she is so thoughtful.

she is coming over on sat night for the night, looking forward to her coming over.

[Appleblossom]

Oooh @BlueBay that is so gorgeous of Little A.  Children can understand a lot at a young age and I wish we would respect their real wisdom, which is so different from spoiling them too much and infantilising them.  I was always proud when my 2 biological children showed care about saving money as kids and tried to reassure them but accept it as a sign of grace.

[StanD]

Hello @BlueBay ,

Thankyou for responding. Really - thankyou.

It's difficult to chat over the internet. I can get very self conscious. After hitting the post button - I had this bad feeling, thoughts, - those tapes in our head that tell us we are wrong.

I felt like, 'who am I, to give you support' - I felt like I had done the wrong thing? I felt humiliated.

I guess it is difficult to explain. 

Many people on here respond with one sentence 'congratulations & well done.' etc. These are beautiful responses. 

I felt like, I wish I had responded like this. It feels more appropriate.

I like what you said about 'the little person' speaking loudly, when kept silenced for too long.

Your reply to me has turned my previous thinking upside down.

I'm so happy, you could understand my words, & I could empower you.

As you have for me.

You are glad I'm here, talking to people.

These negative voices in my head. I wish they would F. off💗 they do not serve me.

Yes @Appleblossom - OUR mothers ..... & father's - equally responsible, significant. 

It is a hard battle, but the only one worth fighting xx 

Thankyou @BlueBay too for your encouragement.

It's like a new world. Do you feel that? It's scary. Walking with head held high, in a world of kindness, self love, self worth. Love for humanity & nature, animals.

Today I woke up & said to myself.

Feel what you feel 

(or maybe it was a message from an 😇!)

I like it.

No right or wrong, good or bad. 

Feelings.

Fickle at times! So what! We are only human. Doing the freaking best we can.

Thankyou x

[BlueBay]

hey @StanD don't feel terrible or humiliated for replying.

i appreciated your comments and support

i get you about those voices in our head - they just keep going and going

yes it's very difficult for us who have issues with our mums or dads

they are meant to protect us; keep us safe; love us - but mine never did that when i was abused or even now 

i am trying to move on without them but gosh it is so damn hard.  i can live without my mum, which is not a nice thing to say; but i miss my dad so so much. it's a shame i can't get to see him or even call him.  it is what it is at the moment.

you are so right - we are human and can only do what we can do!!

hope you are having a good day

BB

[StanD]

Updated: TW child sexual abuse

Hello @BlueBay 

Please excuse my 'mildly,' intoxicated state.

Edit- sober today. I wanted to clean up my post please x

Yes, I said very similar only yest after discovering my 12 months health record as a baby.

The words written by mother - I could not fathom writing  things about my own baby. (If I had one)

There were references to crying too much & being 'needy'. It gave me insight to how detached she actually was. Her coping mechanism - I can only suspect. There was no comments about me being a beautiful baby. The nicest word she wrote was 'loveable' Personally, I think that is unusual choice of words

I said to myself, 'it is what it's is'.

I appreciate you replying. Thankyou for encouraging me. I really needed your reply that day. It is astounding, how convincing these negative voices are. Mostly, I have nearly no awareness, how much I self sabotage. Like, I truly believe at my core, that my words, my existence is of no worth or real consequence. 10 billion in the world? What is 1? 

I think this is what made me reply to your post. I could see the priceless value of your fight. One person = many people. 

The importance of forums like this💚💜

It can be so isolating. Those with loving family could not comprehendm. Nor would I wish these feelings on anyone. (I changed my perspective on this - see below)

I can let go now. Knowing what I know of my biological family. I still feel connected, love . Recall fun times. I have had no contact in more than decade. Each time I tried, I couldn't reach what I was stretching my arms up for.

A hug. I will never underestimate the power of a good hug. I could go without almost anything as long as I could get a hug x

It's nice -  comforting to share with you.

I'm so sorry you miss your Dad. This comes thru loud & clear. You don't deserve to feel this way.

For me, it is about progress. At any given moment, we have the ability to choose. Do I want to be happy? Am I addicted to the pain? Comfort zones? - ,& worse - do I seek it & equate it with love?

Maybe it is a type of love? Toxic, unhealthy & real ( in a way,). Not everyone will understand this.

DV, sexual abuse, ANY form of abuse, - fear, intimidating, financial, religious, (there are so many)- IT IS NEVER OK.

Thankyou for trusting me & trusting yourself, to explore these hidden, places within. I am learning so much about the shame I have been carrying all my life.

I thought it was normal.

I suspect, in our culture - many people accept shame. Society, in many ways, exploits & encourages feelings of guilt & shame.

The core to healing, for me, is to try to understand when I am experiencing these feelings. And then, ask myself, is it necessary? What is the catalyst of negative self image? Media, upbringing, societal expectations. Life seems to be flooded with reasons why we are bad. 

It's difficult process. At times I push myself. I remind myself too, I can go as slow as I'm comfortable with. I'm amazed how quickly my growth is. I do experience unexpected bouts of shame. It might last an hour, half a day, 10 mins. I have learnt that it is ok. It is not nice, however, these are emotions in me, that feel safe to express now. I try to 'textbook' thank them for being brave. It does work. And it gets easier, quicker than I expected. Illusions tend to fall away when confronted with honesty.

I am learning, whatever i feel, I feel. Nobody else knows my story. They can assist, - it is me that has to discern what feels right; what I'm prepared to be open to; what is a total deal breaker..,and I'm leaning, it is all a flux.

Growth, I guess.

Hard to keep up with, too!

I can relate to missing your Dad. Perhaps you are female? Is it a bond daughter's & father's have? Idk, my Dad seemed to help me keep my sanity, when my mother was unwell, that's all I knew of her.

TW -

looking back, I have flashbacks of sexual abuse from both mother & father. I cannot ever prove it. I was very young. I do remember the feeling (or lack of feeling - feeling dead & indescribable death of soul)

I know you deserve happiness. As do I.

It's a strange idea, Hey?!

No more fighting to prove I am worthy.

Choosing happy happiness, cause why the fck not? It is my life. No one is coming to save. me.

Support. That is how I am getting thru. Kindness that blinds me. & same time, is Too Much.

EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH

OUR history's matter. Maybe we feel different, outcasts from the norm. I'm not sure that we are. These things that happened in the past. They were not right. 

We are all human. We all have our own story. Perhaps, our story feels so excruciatingly painful, that we cannot even begin to comprehend, that others would accept us - if they really knew the truth.

Imagine, if that is how everyone feels!!? We all feel so separated, carrying these suitcases of feaces. No one would want to really be around the stench emanating from within.

The others

            - they are better.

They don't have this embarrassing history. 

Except, I wonder ..

Nobody farts in public!😂

What would a world look like where we did?

An entirely natural physiological, biological expulsion!

Fart away, I say...

       Fart A Way ♥️

I might have gone loopy today. It's ..

It's ok. It's All ok.

It is what it is.

We are who we are.

Accomplishments, Nelson Mandela would look us in the eye. Understanding. Not everyone has this honour. We all have a reason to be here. If sleeping on couch for 6 months in keeping me alive, I deserve 🎖️🏅🥇

Fight for you. I fight for me. I'm trying to remember ,,- the best fight is rest. I' give up ,' it's a misnomer. - ' surrendering is beauty, strength, the most powerful step I can take. TO LET GO.

I didn't know.

Looks like 

 

the perfect home. What do y'all think?

@Shaz51@tyme @Appleblossom @NatureLover 

@Jynx @Jynx @TAB (hey roomie) 

Love etc

  

The Secret Door to Heaven. Welcome.

 

[StanD]

@Shaz51 ☝️

Hugs.