Lived Experience Forum

[aggieg]

hi - I'm a newbie at this. I've been living with MI since my late teens (I'm 45 now) - have been in a lot of therapy, seen psychiatrists regularly since I was 25, been hospitalised, done the DBT program, drug rehab etc I guess they would call me high functioning because i get up and go to work every day and have a 'meaningful' job. I walk my dog every day. I have some lovely friends. I seem very together.  But I am just so tired. 

So tired. I'm tired of the cycles of MI and dragging myself out of them by myself. I'm tired of being alone all the time. I'm tired of pretending I'm ok. I'm tired of saying I'm not ok and no one wanting to know any more about it. I'm tired of not finding any meaning in anything. I'm tired of getting better and then getting sick again. I'm tired of asking for help. I'm tired of seeing beauty and feeling nothing. I'm tired of practising gratitude. I'm tired of justifying my existence to myself. I'm tired of talking about myself. I'm tired of myself.

I suppose I need to go get some help - again.

Thanks for being here 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @aggieg

It is great that you are able to manage as much as you do. There are many levels of functioning, unfortunately mine vary a great deal. lol

I am tired of me too.

Hope you find value in sharing here on the forum.

[Former-Member]

Welcome @aggieg
I can relate to alot of what you write. the word 'tired' is full of meaning to me. I feel the same.. .just so tired and done. Im also probably considered 'high functioning' for similar reasons, i go to work and do an ok job there, i do the things i need to do.
I'm sorry that things are not better at the moment for you. And glad that you are here, lots of people do 'get' it here which is so important.
As you explore the forums and discussions please feel free to join in anywhere at all, the forums are very welcoming of new members! take care

[MaryMahem]

Hi @aggieg - I am the same age as you and have been dealing with various MIs since I was young. It is hard to find hope to keep going. I'm tired too and if you're "high-functioning" the help is even harder to get. I now know that there is no program, medication, doctor, hospital, or mental health professional who can help me. At times that seems over whelming, especially as I'm on my own too, but it does also give me a sense of control. It is exhausting but that is the way it is. I hope you can find some help or some peace within yourself.

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @aggieg

Ah yes, I think many of us here can relate to being tired of being tired - the struggles of life can be draining at times and it would nice to just have a break from it. So when I feel that way I like to loose myself in the moment, living moment to moment only looking no further, just savour the quiet not listening to my mind; perhaps find relaxing distractions that relax me such as reading, stitching, painting, writing, walking in nature etc. Anything but dwell on my thoughts and the way I am feeling. As if I dwell and overthink on it I go downhill and get overwhelmed very quickly. 

Feeling alone in this struggle to me is half the reason we tire. No one to lean on can be a heavy burden to bear. You said you had some lovely friends, can you talk to them? Do you really have a good belly laugh with them often? Seeing the humour in life truly is the best medicine. I find if I do the latter more my zest will come back (I know that flatness and not being able to feel anything). 

Your friends, your dog, those closest to you will help you to justify your existence, your unique worth and all those others you touch in your life. That is what makes life worthwhile and meaningful in my humble opinion. Not a,ways how we feel but what we offer that fulfills. When depressed this perception of how we matter to others becomes clouded at that time. You matter.

You are a very courageous, strong person to have achieved such a productive life under such trying circumstances. To have come as far as you have. Please take contentment in those achievements as they are great.  And this is so admirable and inspiring to others who struggle similarly. How you don't give up and keep achieving. But I do understand that feeling of having to continually "push uphill" can take its toll. I am glad you are going to seek addition help and we are here to talk to any time you feel alone in it. Please know you are not. Hugs 🤗 

[Shaz51]

 Hello dear @aggieg 

 i have been thinking of you today my friend ,

[aggieg]

Hi - thank you, everyone, for the validation. I've been to see my fabulous GP who has set me up with a plan, meds and referral. Here we go again. 

I woke up this morning and thought that I felt ok and that maybe i was just overreacting to a few "murky moments" - but then i remembered how tired i have been - swinging so low and then up to bearable 6 or so times a day - so I will try again. 

I'm now taking a SSRI - something I haven't done since 2006 (always been anti-psychotics) and I feel nervous. I've learned lots of skills over the years to help cope with my emotional dysregulation - and it's time to revisit them again because they did help. And I would encourage everyone to build up a 'toolbelt' of skills they can refer to when troubled. But I also know it's not as easy to do. I'm lucky because in a way I've always had a little friend called Hope nudging away at me in the back of my head telling me not to give up.

It's only 7:15 am but I'm already looking forward to going to bed tonight  But I have to go to work first. 

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and comments. I hope you have a good day.