Lived Experience Forum

[Missmum87]

This is an extremely deep and personal issue i would never speak out about usually but I am in need of some kind of avenue/resource that may be available to me regarding custody of my step daughter?

As my partner struggles with severe mental health issues that occasionally ended in acts of self harm, this got the shocking horror of the attention of child safety regarding their emotional harm (which I do not deny).

Our family of 5 has now been torn apart including my husband to reside elsewhere until necessary progress is proven.

Meanwhile our recent heartache concerns my step daughter now 7 who's biological mother had no interest of parenting her from 3mths old until less than a yr ago. Full custody is court ordered in our care except a reckless decision has been made by child services to all of a sudden relocate her to her mothers as I am not blood relation. I have gladly taken on the role every little girl needs as a 'mum' since she was 2. Am I alone in thinking this is an unjustified action considering her father lives elsewhere until necessary and she has to live with a mother she has no emotional connection to and is devastated in having to go back there after visits.

Do I have rights here?!

[Ellu]

Dear Missmum97,

You are in an extremely complicated and stresful situation, and you must be feeling hearkbroken about the way things have played out. It is important that you have legal aid, either a lawyer or Legal Aid, who can investigate the current situation and find out whether it can be resolved. It is a horrific situation for the children to be in, as children pick up on the stresses and stains in relationships very easily.

I am so sorry about your husband's illness. If it helps you to know,c I have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years. I have had my up and downs, but have now been stable on medication for 6 months. I feel quite normal and lead a normal life. It is more than likely that your husband will recover (with medical help)   and one worry will be taken off your mind.

I really feel for your stepdaughter in her situation. Don't give up. fight the battle in the courts and anywhere else you need to. As I said, there is always Legal Aid. I had some dealings with them myself recently and they were so welcoming and helpful.

Above all, take care of yourself. There are a lot of people depending on you,so you musn't allow yourself to crash. Take some time off every day - for a cuppa down the street, a walk around the block, a chat with a friend, to make sure you are not falling into a rut.

All my good wishes go with you,

Ellu

[Missmum87]

Thank you, yes I am going to apply for legal aid but in my heart feels like a desperation to find info sooner than an application process. It is difficult and I do have my moments. I tend to live by everything happens for a reason, so I'm sticking by that and hoping it will be worth it!

[Lunar]

Hello @Missmum87,

That sounds awful, you poor thing and your poor step daughter. I think some legal advice would be really helpful and also to keep pushing and trying to get that custody, it's a hard battle so try and get as much support as you can, it's great you have come onto the forums for some extra support.

As a child with similar issues between my biological and step parents, even though I wasn't living with my parent that I preferred, that parent still made lots of effort to keep the line of communication open which got me through the bad times with the parent I didn't want to be living with but was forced to until the Court Orders were changed.

If you can in any way keep trying to see or call her, or get other family members and friends involved so she stil has as much positive contact as possible would be so helpful in the mean time until you can go to court, etc.

Thinking of you,

Lunar ❤️

[Missmum87]

I totally understand as I also grew up without a parent and informed of misleading information of them until we reconnected when I was 20. On the other hand, I would love to talk to her but her mother has a jealous rage at the moment of our bond and has cut contact 😞 I just don't see how they could approve her of such meaningful rights when she's nearly been in the picture not to mention making excuses for last Xmas on why she couldn't come and see her!! It baffles me.

[utopia]

@Missmum87. The aim of Child Services is 'to keep the family intact'. Unfortunately for that organisation, they are often referring to the mother (birth mother). So that is where their decision has come from. It doesn't make it right or logical. But that's where they see things.
However, these decisions can often be overturned in court. As this is where ALL the information comes to light. Eg- you being her significant parent - contact with her siblings (whether step or half siblings) -your ability to continue to care for her (whether your husband is in the picture or not) - this girls safety and emotional wellbeing. So many things will comeinto it - when you go to court.
In the meantime - if you cannot visit her - ph her. Tell the mother that the other kids want to talk to their sister. Let them talk to her on the phone. Write her letters or send her funny postcards. This way she will know she is not forgotten.
Speak to your husbands treating team & see if there is a hospital program or day programs that he can attend - to push along his recovery. It's important that they know fully what has been happening with the family and with this little girl.
I imagine having to wait for the legal process to start - must be beyond frustrating. But it is the best way to work through this custody arrangements.
Make sure at this time that you are also looking after yourself. Eat well. Get some exercise. Have some down time for you. Maybe speak to a counselor so that you can keep yourself mentally healthy through this tough time.
I wish you all the best