Old Habits

[BlackCat13]

The hits keep coming... 

Day one of the school break and my sister and nieces had to have their beautiful mini dacshund put to sleep because of spinal deterioration that happened in 4 days. I haven't been able to stop crying. I don't cope with change at the best of time and it often takes me years to accept a decision (eg it took me 5 years to accept the decision I knew I needed of a school transfer and then another 2 before I could actually enter into the process) and all these changes every single day in the current climate is just doing me in and I am starting to find it hard to leave my bedroom again, just like 9 years ago in the beginning of my major depression.

I'm not ok again... It's just all becoming too exhausting again.

[Former-Member]

Hey @BlackCat13,

Greetings from a fellow virtual cat. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your sister's dachshund. Losing a pet is losing a family member. I'm glad you're reaching out here to share some of what you're going through.

It's a really tricky time with a lot of change and loss to process. I'd encourage you to check out some threads where people are sharing their coping strategies, fears, and even small silver linings in this challenging time, like this one. 

If this feels familiar to you from times where you have experienced an episode of depression I really encourage you to activate the supports (whatever form they will be in now) you have used previously to get through it.

Take good care of yourself,
Tortoiseshell

[BlackCat13]

Thought I had be doing ok in general and during this lockdown. I had been productive, had a good lunch etc but as I got into bed and took my medications I started unraveling and falling apart. If I'm honest I think it actually started when I drove away from my parents home after being there for nearly 4 weeks over Christmas. I turned as I drove off and had such a strong feeling that I probably see them like that again. (Backstory - over last t years dad has had 4 spinal and 1 hip surgery and Nowa Parkinson's diagnoses and mum has had 1 spinal fusion operation that lead to a discovery of atrial fibrillation.) I fell apart as I drove away and cried for at least half of my trip home. Now in forced lockdown due to COVID I productively did the courses needed for my return to work on Jan 20 but tonight I am over thinking, still not asleep an hour after taking sleep medication, headache from clenching my jaw all day (unnoticed until I was washing my face and felt the ache in my jaw. 
with still 2 days of lockdown to get through I am feeling anxious, I am very emotional and teary. I haven't felt this level of anxious and dread in a long time and feel like in on,y just holding myself together on that very slippery cliff edge of depression and am scared of slinging back down into that dark, lonely well of depression.

[BlackCat13]

It’s been a while since I’ve been here but the last 12 months have been tough and there really is no end in sight at the moment. 12 months ago I had to take 8 weeks leave because I spiralled into the deep dark again. Clawed my way out again thanks to my psychiatrist and a surprisingly supportive Principal. Managed to return to work and finish out the year. Was starting to feel my “normal” again and the came along the end of February 2022. My house flooded and even though the water wasn’t half way up the walls the amount put me I. The same major damage category for insurance. Watching the water let itself into my safe haven was devastating and distressing because there was nothing I could do. I packed a suitcase but ended up only being able to take a backpack and 1 tote bag and my sister walked in to help me get out. She carried my cat in his travel box covered in a garbage bag as it was still raining . We had to walk for a kilometre in knee high flood water to get to her car as that was the closest she could get to me. The next day when water subsided we went back and every room was a mess. Filling a skip with things you saves up for, inherited and treasured was heartbreaking and traumatic. Ripping out all the carpet and underlay. Then being told the bottom half of gyprock from every wall need to be removed, kitchen gutted etc I felt defeated but went back to work after a week. My house deemed unliveable and likely to take 5 months for building repairs. 4 months after the flood no repairs have started as the haven’t been able to stop the mould. So another brick wall falling on me. Not sure how much more I can take, especially without my cat with me. He has had to go stay with my parents because pet friendly accomodation is non existent when in temporary accommodation and then in furnished rentals. For the past 11 years, since my first major depression diagnoses, he was my support. Honestly, without him I’ve nearly turned back to drinking to take the edge off. I haven’t had alcohol since 2011, because of medications, and I realised it was me self medicating but I’m so tempted but I’m just going day by day and avoiding these shops or the entrances they are at at shopping centres. So yes I’m struggling, crying myself to sleep most nights, feeling the darkness gripping me again. There is just no light at the end of the 2022 tunnel. So I’m just aiming for survival this year….. fingers crossed.

[Christheart]

Oh no @BlackCat13 ...

I'm so, so sorry 😭😭😭😭

I cannot imagine having my safe space invaded with water, the trauma would be unbearable. And not having your pet with you... I'm so sorry, so, so sorry... 

Is there any way you could stay with your parents so you could be with your cat? 

I don't think I could manage without my cat or my pup. 

I too am just hoping for survival this year... I'm sitting with you. I pray you find some comforting moment today...

Christheart

X

[Christheart]

@BlackCat13 

Also, keep strong in your sobriety. I will be three years sober in November. The drink makes mental health so much worse in the end... 

You can do this honey 

Christheart 

X

[BlackCat13]

@Christheart unfortunately I cannot stay with my parents as they live 3 hours away but they said when he hears my voice on the phone he comes running which makes me miss him even more. Thank you for the kind thoughts.

[BlackCat13]

I hate being this broken. It feels like 11 years of hard work and millions of tears are fast unraveling because of things out of my control.

at the moment curling up under the blanket and hiding from the world for the next few weeks is all I can see. The things I wanted to do feel too people-y. The next 3 days I have an appointment a day I cannot get out of so the people pleaser in me will keep those but o know they will zap every ounce of energy I have.

I wish I wasn’t broken…it’s exhausting and I don’t know if I have the strength to keep doing this over and over and over.