Lived Experience Forum

[BambiFawn]

My daughter wants no contact with me.

As a background, she was raised by me after i was granted custody by my psychiatrist and she was in my care for 5 years, then I relinquished her care to the Department of Families, as I was ill.  This btw was a very brave decision by me.  So she was in fostercare for a year, and then my mother applied as a Relative Fostercarer and took care of her from age 7 - 18.  My mother btw has abused me and had married 4 men, so I had 4 fathers by the age of 18, which was very unsettling.  There was some domestic violence with the 4 fathers as well occasionally. 

I know I've not been a bad mother.  I've been a good mother to say that my brother was murdered when my baby was only 1 1/2 months old and I started hallucinating or hearing my mother's voice when my baby was 4 months old in the post partum period.  It was hard work looking after my baby whilst hallucinating every second.

Recently my daughter took drug ice for a week and marijuana.  She was dealing drugs and assaulted me, so i told the police about her.  She does not forgive me for this, but she had bought $3,500 worth of marijuana and was dealing it and I was very concerned.  I just wanted the police to give her a severe reprimand and talk sence into her.  She does not forgive me for making a witness statement against her bf because the police asked me too.  I've done my best to be a loving mother, but I've tried to tell my daughter that my mother beat me up once and has been verbally abusing me behind closed doors, but she does not believe me and is taking sides with my mother, her Gran against me.  My mother has spoilt my daughter and bought my daughter's love and loyalty with her money.  

I just keep sending cards and parcels but daughter said and swore' she does not want my shitty parcels with expensive postage.  

Not sure what to do.  Maybe I can do nothing.  It seems that my mother has been disparaging me to my daughter and has tried to drive a wedge between me and my daughter.  The police have told me to relinquish all ties to my mother, so in this dvo situation I have placed healthy boundaries with my mother and have nothing to do with her now, but I'm always here for my daughrer, but she wants nothing to do with me.

Not sure how to get thru to my daughter.  She refuses to believe me that my mother abused me, even when my solicitor read my mother's e-mails and called my mother vicious.  My daughter seems brainwashed by my mother and always takes sides with her.

please tell me that my prayers, cards and parcels may help.  What should i do when daughter wants nothing to do with me.  She is 21 and not long before she has her baby now. So thank heavens, she is not taking drugs now we don't believe.I'm excited to be a Grandmother, but sad my daughter wants no contact.  

[BambiFawn]

I never took drugs btw and don't condone drugs.  I only tried weed a couple of times. I don't believe in taking drugs, so having a daughter as a drug addict is hard and new to me.  

[BambiFawn]

it all seems so unfair.  I've been a good living christian but been beaten up by my mother and verbally abused by her and I've never said anything back to her or hurt her with words or anyone.  Then my brother was murdered after i had pre eclampsia the last month and then i had a heart attack, but no heart damage due to my blood clotting in the last week of pregnancy.  And  my baby was only 1 1/2 months when my brother was sadly murdered and it was in the news on telly, on radio.  Then I hallucinated when baby was 4 months old.  The abuse of my mother was very bad- she told me recently 'I hope u die of a heart attack, u fat pig'  She said she would give me hell and terror if i stayed and if i went back home, she said she hoped something bad would happen to me. ' So i was such a good mother to my baby and I don't deserve the abuse by my mother or my daughter telling me ' she's happy i have no family' I don't deserve any of it.  I'm a good person and I've heard from Beloved Jesus at the Christian Healing rooms.  He gave church elders words of knowledge and a rhema word to tell me.  Dear lord, help me spread your fragrance, whereever I may go!.  So if the good Lord, if God is for me, who can be against me, At least I've heard from Jesus, and this is validating and vindicates me over all the abuse I've endured by my mother and 4 fathers.Praise God! 

[BambiFawn]

Some good news, my daughter must love me as she just got in contact with me and sent me a link to her page on her adorable kitty on fb. in an e-mail. It is an answer to prayers.  I know I've never hurt my daughter with words or anyone for that matter and I didn't deserve the abuse by my mother that caused me to hear her voice in the tape of her verbal abuse after my brother was murdered and my baby born.  I deserve peace and love and happiness.  And deep down i know my daughter loves me but my mother has sadly tried to influence her to take sides with her against me by disparaging me and by buying her a property at 18 and iphone and new sports car.  My mother bought my daughter's love and loyalty with her money and thus tried to influence her.  So I'm not worrying I asked the lord for my daughter to love me and get in contact and she has.  My mother cannot take my daughter's love for me away now.  I've sent my daughter cards and 7 parcels during her pregnancy, so I've shown my love for her. Though we live several hours away, we are close in spirit and heart, my daughter and I now again.  I lovingly replied to her. 

[Owlunar]

Hi @BambiFawn

I have read your messages and it sounds really bad for you - and I understand - my mother was pretty hard to get along with all my life time and this is difficult for other people - eg - your daughter - to understand - esp if that person was kind to them

btw - you did the right thing to report your daughter to the police about those drugs - this is called Tough Love which is tough stuff - I don't know if you know about this but it can be followed up on the internet

She's old enough to take the consequences of her bad behaviour

And it's really normal for you to feel really rotten about all of this but what to do about it - alas - I don't know except you have had a hard life with really hard things in it and that's a really horrible reality

Still - personally I have had times when I have chosen to be alone rather than keep company with people who have unpleasant behaviour but yeah - not at all good

Dec

[BambiFawn]

Thanks dear lovely @Owlunar for your caring and kind and encouraging words.  Yes, it's really important to edify and encourage others and build them up with words.  That's something I've not had a lot of with my verbally abusive mother.  Although I have no mother, I focus on God and His Word to strengthen me.  As my beloved friend told me, ' Don't listen to your mother's words but listen to Jesus' words.' So I do nowadays.  I flip the script and think of 3 good thingsor blessings i have after a sad or bad thought.  

Yeh, I'm over the moon that my daughter showed me her love and affection by sending me an e-mail about her kitty.  A ragdoll cat she has.  I feel loved now and special and so my mother can disparage me to the hill, but I believe my daughter will always love me, and I will try my best to keep this as one of my positive confessions dear @Owlunar. You'll be so happy dear @Owlunar that my prayers bear fruit. Also when I talked to the Director of the Christian healing rooms, she lovingly told me,' my words that I have spoken to my daughter will bear fruit.'  

Yay, so I rejoice with the good Lord, that nothing my mother says will affect the love my daughter has for me.  I've never hurt my daughter with words like my mother cruelly spoke to me, so she should trust and love me.

[Owlunar]

Hi @BambiFawn 

And thanks for your kind words

Yes - God is always there for us and through the darkest years of my life he sustained me when at times it seemed that no one else did - but I do remember being discouraged when my minister at the time asked me if God's Grace wasn't enough

I struggled with that for many years - however long - over 30 years ago when my son who had MI was around and I had no answer for that minister because of course God's Grace was sufficient but my son had free will and chose to take the wrong path and this was a very hard time

About our mothers - I understand how hard this can be - my mother could not stop her bitterness and control her really narky tongue - I chose to walk away from the family because although we all need to Honour our Mother and Father it also says in Ephesians  "Parents - do not provoke your children lest you discourage them" and when I left my family of origin I was totally fed up and discouraged 

I was so glad to read that your daughter sent you an email - keep that one handy to read and remember if there are quiet times in the future - my daughter had a spell when she was really prickly but I gave her the space to be herself and as years past she got over it

You have a great witness here - this is encouraging to read

Dec

[BambiFawn]

Dear lovely @Owlunar, Thanks for your kind and caring words.

Yes, it's true, the old adage, we can choose our friends but we cannot choose our family.  Whilst I will forevor be here for my daughter no matter what. I have chosen to close the door on my mother.  I just want peace.

My Auntie has toughened me up a lot by talking to me and mentoring me like a personal coach.  She chose to not keep in touch with rellies that were quarrelsome and abusive.  Ya, my Auntie says she's a Lone Ranger and always quotes Attenborough and the fact that pets and animals love us unconditionally and don't quarrel with us.  In fact David Attenborough prefers animals from the animal kingdom sometimes to humans. 

You have a great presence and witness here dear @Owlunar.

My dad says my family is 'like a pack of wild hyenas fighting all the time'.  So as u see my family can be silly.  But I'm trying to teach my daughter good values and principles and about 'love'. This lesson on love and making 'right' choices and decisions and having good values is worth more than throwing money at her.  A relationship needs the recipricol soil of trust for the friendship to flower and blossom. In time, my daughter and I will grow in trust and love, because for years we have had no contact and been estranged, because of my mother.  My faith bears a flower and I am rejoicing at reconciling with my beloved daughter and re-kindling the relationship.

Hugs dear beautiful @Owlunar.  Thanks a bunch of roses for taking the time to read my notes and reply me.  It was very good of you to be caring and supportive of me.  

[NatalieS]

Thinking of you @BambiFawn

Don't know what to say as I am not a mother but just want you to know I care.

Families and relationships are soooo difficult!!!!!

Take care. 

[BambiFawn]

Thanks dear lovely @NatalieS for caring for me. My relationship with my mother is a toxic relationship, but I have loving and supoortive relationships with some of the other rellies. 

Most people I know have relatives that they relate well to and relatives that they don't get along with.

As Jesus said in Matthew 10:35 ''They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law." 

I always used to think that everyone else had a loving family, but all family's have problems, illnesses, etc.

I love your fox avatar.  Is that a red fox dear @NatalieS?