Lived Experience Forum

[LeedsUnitedFan]

Hi all

Sorry, this is going to be a long ramble. 10 points to anyone who follows this and a bonus 10 points to those who make it to the end.

I’m 37 and completely lost in life. I have always been shy but was extremely intelligent at school. A very polite and kind person but never able to assert myself around people. Never really bullied, but probably too easy going to be a bully target. I was brought up in a family with a disabled older brother and parents who struggled to maintain a happy relationship but hid their issues and remained together for the sake of the family. It was a quiet and non-communicative life which to me was normal.

Despite my intelligence and desire to learn, I failed to finish my university studies mostly due to struggling to fit in socially and prioritising my part time job where I received positive feedback more frequently. When I decided to quit university I tried to find alternative work but despite working hard I never really made it because I struggled to communicate with colleagues. My last job was in a corporate environment but I had to leave 7 years ago due to the stress and anxiety of a high level position in a major company.

Relationship wise I have also struggled. Apparently I was always considered a ‘catch’. Handsome, kind and intelligent is what I have been told. I never had the confidence to approach girls/women and waited for them to approach me. My three serious relationships have been with extremely attractive and outgoing girls but who I dragged into my shy lifestyle when we were together. I regret missing out on the opportunities these girls could have given me if I was more open to life.

I now live back with my parents and struggle to function day to day. I don’t enjoy anything in life and have nothing to look forward to. I crave personal interaction but I don’t feel I have anything to offer to anyone I could hope to meet. I also don’t even know where to start to meet people at my age.

I do have a good sense of humour and try to remain positive but it takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to show this side of me.

And without meaning to sound negative, I’m really over people telling me things will be OK. I need definite ideas.

Sorry all. This is a very dark way to say hello to this forum.

[Former-Member]

Hi @LeedsUnitedFan
Welcome to the forums, i think it probably was hard to put that all out there so to speak, so thank you for sharing with us. I was thinking as i read that there must be a lot of anxiety going on with social situations/high pressure situations? have you ever had any support or help with that side of things from a counsellor/psychologist? I am doing cbt stuff i think at the moment *again... with my therapist and trying to work through the types of thoughts i have that lead to particular behaviours and outcomes.. find it very hard and so slow but still hope for some positive changes that might lead to more social interaction (of which i have virtually none). Being/feeling alone is really hard!
I hope that you find the forums a supportive and friendly place, as I have!
take care and hope to see you around!

*edited because I didn't tag name correctly 🙂 

[Queenie]

Welcome @LeedsUnitedFan and thank you for your courage in sharing your journey. 

As @Former-Member has already mentioned, I picked up on some social anxiety reading your post. Would you tend to agree? It can be very isolating and alienating feeling different from those around you, especially in a social setting. Have you ever talked to a psychologist or counsellor about how you feel? I used to feel extremely socially awkward around my peers (especially as I see them as successful in life, whereas I see myself as failing in major areas). I had extensive cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) with a good psychologist and bit by bit crept out in a social setting amongst my peers once again. It might be different for you, but talking about my anxieties surrounding failure (or perceived failure) really helped me to cope and challenge that negative thinking fuelling my social anxiety.

These days, I've come a long way. I wouldn't say I am 'cured', but I am definitely more comfortable in my own skin. 

I hope to read more of your journey around the boards. I do hope you'll find the boards as safe and supportive as I do.

Take it easy,

Q

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @LeedsUnitedFan,

I can relate to a lot of what you say in your post. I am a 40 year old woman and I have never had a romantic relationship aside from an icky abuse situation when I was a young teen and my "partner" was a 32 year old youth group leader.

I have Asperger's syndrome, which was undiagnosed until I figured it out about 3 years ago. Getting that diagnosis hasn't in any way helped me be less, well, aspie, but it has very much helped me to understand some of the struggles I've had over the years in areas such as employment and relationships. Prior to getting that diagnosis all of my muddles were squished into the box of my psychiatric diagnosis (borderline personality disorder).

These days I feel much more ok about my quirks, although I do still struggle with being socially isolated as I don't have any "friends and family." Hence I tend to float around Forum Land quite a lot. I hope that being here in Forum Land can similarly help you to feel a little bit less alone.

Ps. I both followed your post and made it through to the end. What do I get to trade my twenty points for?

[utopia]

@LeedsUnitedFan
Find some volunteer or interest groups to join. This way you are getting out and about and socialising with others. As you get more comfortable in this environment - that's when you are likely to attract the attention of a woman. When you are doing something you enjoy.
So what to join?
The Lions Club
Rotary
LandCare
A painting class
Yoga group or other sport
A book club.
There are lots of different opportunities out there. Would you be able to pick one and try it for a few months?
It can get you out of the house and meeting new people and give you the opportunity to use some of your knowledge and skills

[LeedsUnitedFan]

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

Yes Social Anxiety is my biggest issue and it frustrates me that I didn’t realise it at a much younger age. I have signed up to a meetup group for people struggling with depression in Perth and as long as I can find the courage I will attend a board games night tomorrow with about 20 other people. I’m not scared, I just know it’s going to be very uncomfortable even though the other people attending seem nice, genuine people. I don’t know how to approach the situation particularly as I have a dark past of prescription medication and alcohol abuse.

I could write more but I’ll save it for another time.

Thanks for listening guys and gals

[Queenie]

Wow, good on you for going to the board games night tomorrow night. Sounds like a really positive step in your journey. I do hope it all goes well with the meetup group! 🙂

[utopia]

Sounds like some great plans @LeedsUnitedFan. I hope these two groups bring you new friendships