Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm starting to think not. 

I think I'm just a useless failure of a human being and I have troub;e coping with this fact. It's not a real thing,I see this in the way most psychiatrists treat you like less than human. I'm not human. It's all just a joke. 

And even with all this 'treatment' I'll always be me, a complete failure of  a human being. It can't change who I am. So what's the point?

The problem is that if I cancel my psychiatrist appointment and don't get my blood tests done regularly they'll know. I don't know what to do. I could go to the appointments and lie, but how do I fake the blood tests? Can I just opt out? Tell them I'm done? Do they care? What's the point of all this?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member, I think mental illness is real in the sense that our brains can be affected by chemical imbalances due to out-of-kilter neurotransmitters, hormones etc, and there is also very clear evidence that trauma changes the actual structure of the brain. So yeah, in this sense it is real. At the same time, I am not a big fan of the medical model of mental illness. The way mental illness is conceptualised in the medical model is merely one perspective on it - it just happens to be the perspective that is the dominant discourse in our society at this particular moment in time. So in that sense I don't think it is real - it is a social construct. I don't consider myself to be mentally ill - I consider my muddle to be a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. This is because a trauma-informed model makes more sense to me than the medical model. I don't know if that helps at all.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Phoenix_Rising,
I guess I just don't see the point anymore. I'm a broken failure of a human being, I'll always be that broken failure, no matter what 'treatment' I have. So what's the point?
I'm sick and tired of being useless scum. And being seen as useless scum.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I don't see the point either. I too am an utter failure as a human being and a complete waste of space. I just choose to ride the waves because I want to. I know I am 100% free to suicide any time I want to, and somehow knowing that helps me to be open and curious about how things might turn out if I keep on keeping on. I know I will die one day - that is one thing I can be 100% certain of and I take great comfort in it. So...given that I can be absolutely certain that my muddle won't last forever, right now I choose to just keep swimming, not because I see any great point in doing so, but simply because I want to.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising,
Thank you so much for taking my comments seriously. You actually know how I feel.
I guess that's what I need to learn, how to be okay with being a broken failure of a human being. I too am free to suicide at any time - I'm just too scared.
I don't understand why people get so worked up about suicide - there are so many human beings on the planet and as a broken, bad, failure of one I don't see my death as any loss. It's just fear holding me back.
But unlike you, I can't see a future for myself and I'm not sure I want to ride these waves if I'm just scum on the surface of the water. What do I do?

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member What do you do? Well, I guess the options are to keep on keeping on or to not keep on keeping on. The problem with suicide is that it is a superly duperly big decision. I think there are very few decisions in this world that we can't bounce back from if it turns out to be the wrong decision. However, suicide is one such decision. Thus it is pretty gigantic. I don't know about you, but I know I don't like making big decisions when my brain is flooded with emotion. I know that the thinking part of my brain doesn't work so well then. Thus I like to wait until the big feelings have settled before trying to figure out what to do next.

I don't understand why people get so worked up about suicide either. There are 7.5 billion people on the planet - we are hardly an endangered species. I fully respect someone's right to do whatever they want with their own life, including ending it.

I need to head out for a little while now @Former-Member, but I will check in here again when I'm back.

[Former-Member]

Thank you.
I guess I have some thinking to do.

[Former-Member]

I think I'm going to go I'll alone for a while.
I've decided to go off the meds to see if they actually make a difference. And if I want to be dulled from reality.
I think I might avoid mental health care too. I'm not sure that it's necessarily helping. I've just had my trust seriously broken by my therapist and hospital makes me feel like crap about myself. Makes me realise that I AM actually scum. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to avoid my gp and psychiatrist.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

you're not scum.

I feel shit too and I can relate to your feelings. I don't know which of my health professionals once told me, if you really do not want to go, go, and say why you didn't want to go. That's when they can learn more about you. Well I do it. Most of the time. And I constantly quarrel with myself, if I need health professionals in my life, if they screwed my life up, if meds just make me addicted to "the system"... I hate it, but I continue. I wouldn't be here anymore without them. 

I can't tell you if mental illness is real, as I wonder that myself. Is it not rather social conditioning? Sometimes I asked, why do I always have to be the one that has to adapt, why can't other people just adapt to me being me. Was I affected by what happened to me in my life? Yep. Is it a mental illness? I don't know. Is it an illness? Can't you treat and heal illnesses? Is it a condition that needs to be managed? It makes me confused just thinking about it... 

I know I am not the person I was before I became "ill" and I accept that sometimes I get really "unwell". But it's not like the flu and everything is trial and error and my diagnosis will probably change more in future years... 

Do I have a right to live on this planet? Yes. I believe that every human and every being has a right to live on this planet, no matter what the condition. We keep disabled birds from our aviaries and let them live with us in our home, sometimes we hand raise them when they get rejected early by their parents. They might be diabled and they wouldn't survive in the wild, but they get born into our home and therefore have the privilege to live. You and I live in Australia, we have human rights. We have the right to live here. We are not in the dark ages and don't get locked away like "one flew over the cuckoos nest". And in my opinion, mental illness doesn't make us scum.

[Former-Member]

Why do I feel like I'm screaming into the abyss these days. None of my lecturers have replied to my emails. No one can hear me scream.