Lived Experience Forum

[Phanelope]

My husband has been diagnosed with cluster B personality disorder. He also suffers from PTSD resulting from childhood abuse. I have posted in the carers forum before and wasn't sure where to post this because I feel like I'm the one suffering from mental llness.

My husbands issues are so intense and so complicated and he has done really horrible and even illegal things to me, but ofcourse I don't tell anyone because they are such extreme things and they are private. Ofcourse these things have taken a toll on me. I'm angry a lot, I don't trust him (or anyOne else for that matter) I spend a lot of time in isolation and being miserable. I get stressed out and snap quite easily. When he does these things that hurt me he'll turn around and use his mental illness as an excuse so I feel bad for being angry. The problem is that as part of my husbands issues, he avoids conflict. He does this by being mr nice guy and just agreeing with everyone. Even when we argue he just agrees with me making me look crazy and him look like the victim, and this is what everyone else sees.

ive had his friends and family abuse me, telling me how horrible I am and I have to force myself not to blurt out all the horrible things he has done to me. I've had people who don't even know me tell me that my husband has to lie to me all the time because of "the way I react". Even my kids think I'm crazy because all they see is me being angry and sad all the time and him being mr nice guy.

Last night, for the first time in about 7 years, I actually felt like such a horrible person that I thought of ending it all. Now I feel like maybe this is him being manipulative, like he gets off on it. Like he does these things deliberately to make me feel crazy and make everyone else look like he's married to a crazy woman when he's so lovely and charming, so everyone will feel sorry for him.

I just don't know if what everyone sees is what's really happening! I'm already so isolated and alone and I just hate the thought of everyone hating me when I'm just trying to protect him.

[MaryMahem]

Hi @Phanelope,

It does seem like you need some help, but maybe not for a mental illness.

Your husband sounds like my ex-brother-in-law who gaslighted my sister for years before she finally had the strength to leave him.  I believe he has Narcissistic personality disorder and it sounds like you husband might too (that is not a diagnosis, just an idea based on your information).  He was aways trying to gain sympathy with made up illnesses and using them as an excuse while denying he had done and said things to hurt her or offend others.

In public my exBIL used to belittle my sister, make jokes at her expense, get her to agree to her "faults" and tried to destroy all her friendships and family realtionships.  He killed her dogs, put her down to their children and I discovered later he physically abused her.  He was so loving at the start but over 20 years he almost destroyed her.  Her love for him and the children, and the sense of self-worth that he destroyed kept her with him for far too long.

Have you got a family member of friend who has been witness to any behaviours or events who can help you judge if you're correct about your husband?  If he is careful not to do things publicly or you don't have that support, kept a little journal with dates, things he has said or done and check for patterns.  I would also recommend a talking to a good GP or psychologist if you can.  Your gut is probably right, but I understand wanting to be sure before you make any big decisions.  My heart goes out to you as this is a terrible situation to be in.  You also sound scared of him.  Have a plan in place to get to safety if you need it where he can't find you.  A friend, an aunt or cousin (my sister had all of these).  

Sorry if I'm have come on too strong, but I believe you.  Trust yourself.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Phanelope

I agree with @MaryMahem and have also experienced someone close (my daughter), being abused the same way you are describing you are being mistreated. It did lead her to despair and desperate actions. Please protect yourself. My daughter's ex was a sociopath and did this to empower himself by controlling her mentally and damaging her psychologically (this is actually a recognised crime as we were informed by law enforcement and legal advice). She was in a very abusive and dangerous situation. We finally helped her to break away but it took a long time for the damage to start healing. She has just turned a corner.

I suffer PTSD from childhood abuse and I am also a carer for my husband who is a Vietnam veteran suffering PTSD and multiple health issues due to war service. We would not ever dream of treating each other this way but love and support the other as best we can. There is "no excuse" for your partners behaviour. It's crossing the line. Please trust your own discernment of the situation and the adverse effects of this mistreatment of you and act towards self preservation. If he is doing "illegal" things to you tell your GP and/or someone in authority that can help. When self esteem runs low we can doubt ourselves, our worth and put up with what no one should tolerate.

There is an organisation for those who are in a domestic physical and "psychological" abusive relationship called "Respect". You can google the details in your state. It may help you tremendously to speak with them about your situation for professionally, proper advice and guidance before too much more damage psychologically is done to you. Pleas take care.

[darwinemma]

Hey @Phanelope. Sorry to hear of your troubles. I believe you will find you are suffering what is commonly termed carers (or secondary) PTSD (not a dx just a term I have heard around the traps). There are many stories of this in the veteran community where partners become traumatised by those with PTSD.

You need to seek support for yourself and take care of yourself. My husband finally called it quits a few months ago (which dragged on until this week with us both "trying to make it work"). He could no longer cope with my issues either - and unfortunately I also lost the love of my daughter too (which is the bigger tragedy).

Sometimes it can become necessary to distance yourself from the situation and take stock of yourself and your needs (not making any suggestions or anything - just passing on advice that has been given to others in your type of situation).

[Phanelope]

And this is the problem, he's not abusive, at least not in the traditional way. He has never hit me and he has never said a nasty word to me. He has done one thing which would be considered abuse, and it was quite extreme but I believe it was an isolated incident, it hasn't happened since, and it has been document by my GP if I ever need any "evidence". what he does do Is lie constantly about everything from money to women. If he doesn't want to do something with a friend or if he wants to get out of something from work he'll say it's because I won't let him which is false 90% of the time. He has been involved in illegal behaviour, and of course I get angry about it but all people see is the me getting angry part and not what caused it. He does things that I feel are manipulative, but not sure if I'm imagining it. Like if i ask him for months to mow the lawn he'll do it but then leave a patch behind and when I ask him if the mower broke or something he just says no I'll do it later but he doesn't. He's done this before when I asked him to put a shelf together and he half did it and then left it, same with painting and putting up hooks, in fact I think everything I've asked him to do he half does. He'll do things and then blame it on the kids so I scold them but then I've later found out it was him, like break things or eat the desert etc. plus there's the constant talking to women that he says he was doing because he was lonely or because he has no one to talk to and I've had these women tell me he has to talk to them because I don't communicate with him, which isn't true at all, but it makes me question myself and makes me feel guilty, and makes me feel crazy. And he's been on sex groups in FB and on tinder etc. and tries to tell me it's because he has a sex addiction and then he brings up his past and how he's trying to work through his issues and makes me feel bad for not being more understanding. And no there isn't really anyone who could see all this, because it's not really something you can see.

[Phanelope]

This is what my friend told me to do. Distance myself. But I've tried it before and he just went on a bender and didn't pay the mortgage and then started putting suicidal posts on FB so I gave in and made him come home. I worry about seperating because we have children and at least when I'm with him I can be his conscience, but when he's without me he has no conscience and I don't want my kids exposed to that. Plus I know the kids will hate me if we seperate because all they see is the crazy mum and the kind loving father.