Lived Experience Forum

[john74]

Hi everyone l recently mentioned l am going through a nasty separation after a long marriage where l was subjected to domestic violence in the form of controlling behaviour, psychological abuse, public humiation and embarrassment constant threats and intimidation, constant bullying not just from my wife but sometimes the two adult children I have. She cleaned out the joint bank accounts. took the better car claiming she owns it ( but is a joint asset) stopped from from getting some medical help etc. The current situation is l have been trying to get a property setlement as she doesn't speak a d won't tell anyone whete she is living. She is refusing mediation and dispute resolution which l feel is still controlling. Coercive behaviour. I have a community lawer who can send her a letter requesting financial details but they can't help much because the children are adults. I am at my witts end as l can't afford a family court battle l wouldn't handle it mentally.

[Appleblossom]

@john74 

Psychological manipulation and separation are all huge difficulties.  Parental alienation is also difficult and robbing the children of their social capital ... their father. Glad you at least have family lawyer.  Just saying hello and can relate to some of your issues.  Welcome to the forum.

[Bow]

What are you wanting to get out of mediation @john74 ? If she is refusing mediation then they should give you a certificate to head straight to court, which they will then probably make her do court ordered mediation. 

are there many assets to split? I know you said she cleaned out the joint account and took the car. I guess ya gotta ask yourself whether it’s worth the battle? Yeah it’s sucks that she took everything, but rhe financial and psychological stress, is it worth it, only you can answer that.

sorry your going through this…. I’ve been through it and it’s horrible 

[john74]

Hi @Bow .The problem is l was left with a car worth $500 and needing $ 2000 spent on it and little else. The car she has would sell for around $25 000. It's not worth me taking out a loan to fix a $500 car. No there is little else but if l don't try l will never know. The mediator won't issue a certificate because no young children are involved. The lawer is currently drafting a letter to her asking for he financial details because l believe she is a benifercy in a family trust of unknown value.

[Messsedup]

Hi @john74, I hope your lawyer has that letter on its way.
It makes me so angry that separations can go so poorly for one side. Been there myself. It is scary and I felt I had no allies and nowhere to turn, even faced homelessness. I lost my jobs, all my recent friends, my kids, my garden and home I was renovating, and never felt so abused and lonely, ever.
So I am replying to let you know that you are not alone. Be strong.
There are good people out there waiting for you in their lives. Look after that anxiety and take small but firm steps to rebuild.
My best wishes to you through this messy pathway on.

[john74]

• Thankyou @Messsedup .I haven't heard from the lawer in over a week l, am so stressed and on edge because l.am expecting the worst like the lawer saying she can't do anything..I have been talking to a lady occasionally , we have a lot in common but are yet to meet because of my financial mess and car issues l can't afford to fix because my ex refused to spend money on it and took the nice car we jointly owned claiming she owns it despite promises to allow me access to it. She just vanished without trace..It makes me angry and sad that people can't be held to account for their actions. 

[PolarOpposite]

Mate I’m going through the same thing you are right now, just with an infant child instead of adult kids. I had a complete mental breakdown after a sever bought of bipolar depression, three suicide attempts and a dissociative episode that resulted in me writing of two cars. As a result, I haven’t seen my baby in 3.5 months. I’m telling you this because I don’t want what I say next to sound like a bunch of crap you can’t relate to.

It sounds cliche but taking things one day at a time is the best thing you can do. The best piece of advice I can give you is to find days and weeks where you don’t fight in the mud with your wife and kids, her family or yours. Give yourself a chance to find peace.

Work on yourself, see a therapist, exercise, read, get right with God, rise above and focus on being a better person. Go to the doctor and see what they can do for your depression/anxiety - stop fighting your battles along and without help.

If you’re drinking or taking drugs, stop doing that. If you can’t stop, go and get some help with it and start changing the parts of your story that you can control.

In other words, do the things you can control spirituality, physically and mentally. Look after yourself as a priority, love yourself, be kind to yourself. Crap happens, and impossible situations can turn around in time. 

The legal process is slow. It’ll be two years before you get a ruling in court, so take your time and don’t catastrophise how you’re going to pay for things. I know, lawyers suck you dry, but it’s just money. Focus on your health.

If your kids are grown up and it’s just the house to split, accept the fact you’re going to be down a bit of cash, you’ll need time to show your kids how strong their Dad is, but you will live to fight another day. Accept your failings, forgive yourself and be encouraged to build yourself back stronger.

My shit show is turning itself around despite the absolute chaos I found myself going through. I’m with you buddy, we can do this. I have faith in you and what you can achieve.