Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Random question..... that I'm not too sure is going to make sense. 

Sometimes I get confused about what people mean when they ask me how I feel or what I'm thinking. 

It's like, there's not just one thought or feeling there, and even if I was to tell you all that I *was* thinking or feeling, I couldn't tell you because I have thoughts and feelings that I can't/am not allowed to access. And even worse, there are times when I'm not thinking or feeling at all. 

Does this make any sense at all????

It's like right now, on the surface I'm happy and a little hyper and scared and worried and stressed deeper down, but relaxed up top. I know I have this big bad feeling inside of me, and it's there, but I'm not allowed to go near it. (I'm not sure I would want to). But I'm feeling it, even though I can't really name it and I'm not allowed to access it, so I can't even tell you what it is. But it's there, it's always there and when I feel ill, it expands and sometimes swallows me whole. 

Does everyone feel this way inside? How do you answer when someone asks you how you feel? 

[utopia]

@Former-Member
It gets more confusing because sometimes when people say, 'how are you' - they don't really want you to tell them the truth - they expect you just to say 'fine and you'. All superficial. Not really caring what you're going through.
Half the time I don't know what I'm thinking & the other half is depressive thoughts they don't want to hear.
This Forum is different from the real world. Here people genuinely want to know how you are. And they hear what you have to say

[Mazarita]

Your description of the complexity of emotions and mental states is so accurate to my experience too, @Former-Member. Mine are sometimes like: sunny on the surface; with a dense, dark, heavy weight in the centre; and jangly nerves at the edges. That dense, dark, heavy weight is a place I can't access in some ways either, in that I can't really identify what the feeling is, other than to call it depression. I also relate to just not even being able to identify what I'm feeling or thinking, either because I feel kind of numb to it at that moment, or because it's just too complex for words.

With that question, 'how are you', I assume it is only meant to be a conversation starter, a kind of ritual greeting that rolls off people's tongues, not a serious query requiring a complex answer. And I just say, 'fine', or 'not too bad' or 'not great but I'll survive'. Anything much more downbeat than that seems to be embarrassing in many social situations. Different with friends, but not always. Different on the forum of course too, because this is a space created especially for these painful experiences we don't always get to express elsewhere. 

[NatalieS]

hi @Former-Member

yes, there's the superficial "how are you?" question, like noone really cares what the answer is, so as long as I am upbeat answering that with "excellent" or "fine" or "good, what about yourself?"....part of that small talk stuff which I don't get and would prefer not to do, but you know, its playing the game and it's enough for some people.

And then there's the psychologist's question of "how are you?" question, when I haven't seen her for two weeks and my anxiety's up to 120 out of 100 and I want to stick my head between my knees and hyperventilate and I answer "fine" as I don't look at her and pretend to read the titles of the books on her bookshelf and she knows that I'm faking it.  How can I explain the super duper hyper anxiety, when it feels like static electricity all around me and if someone touches me in passing I will totally flip out? Or the times when I need stability and organisation in my life?  Or the times I give or donate all my stuff away?  Or if I'm feeling stuff that I can't identify?

That's why the forums are such a safe place for me.  I don't have to pretend.

This probably hasn't helped much.