I'm in the middle of a very rough period where my mental health is concerned (hopefully nearer the tail end, actually.) I'm in a period of extremely heavy hallucination, delusion, and major depressive trends. I've recently learned that my diagnosis may have been wrong and if this is proven to be true, then I have been taking pills that exacerbate my condition for over a decade. I don't know whether I ought to hope for or dread the validity of the new paradigm I'm faced with. I am hopeful that if the new diagnosis is more accurate I wil be able to take medication that makes a real difference. I dread hearing it is true because of the counteractive effects of my current medications, I also don't want to face the idea that my deteriorating memory and connection with reality may be irreversable and permanent. There's really nothing I can do right now except to push through until a clear indicator is seen.
On top of that my living situation has become a matter of great concern, both to me and to those who I live with. I've recently moved a thousand miles or so to have a better chance at saving up some money to increase my quality of life and be ahead of bills. However, my mother is quite disorganized and it has taken a very deep toll on my mental state to be either in her disorganization or constantly running around behind her straightening everything she touches, and so I have had to leave my new home of two months and move in with her sister. Unfortunately I don't have a very large amount of time in This living situation and so in a relatively short amount of time I will have to move out. Again. This time into what my therapist calls an "assissted living situation" what my mother calls a "group home" and what I call a "halfway house." It represents, to me, the pinnacle of what I've been trying to avoid since first realizing my reality and the reality of everyone I know and associate with did not equate. I know that it does not reflect badly on me in an objective sense but I can't help but think that my personal identity and social identity are going to be very deeple effected by this, when I move in my home will now be a statement of my lack of mental control and, seeing as non-mentally ill people are not even allowed to visit or be told the address, my social identity and social circle will now also be defined by my illness. I'm quite distraught about all of this, but there is no other option I have available that isn't returning to homelessness a thousand miles away from the culture I understand how to operate in, or going financially bankrupt after two months of a more appealing living situation.
Be all of that as it may, I feel I reacted to the beginning of this situation in a very thoughtless and irresponsible manner. I allowed my distress to overwhelm my logic and compassion, and made the extremely moody comments that comprised my last posts. Realizing that my posts could very possibly trigger any number of you, my peers, I decided some time isolated from electronic communication were probably most wise. I understood that the damage may have been already done but I had already committed myself to not using the internet or phone and I felt that if I returned to delete the posts my emotions might well override my silence and so i allowed them to stay. I apologize to you from the deepest section of the lowest sub-basement at the bottom of my heart, regardless of whether you were triggered or not, it was rash and irresponsible of me to have allowed selfish emotion control my actions, especially where your safety and wellbeing are concerned. It is my sincere wish to assisst each of you in conquering your obstacles and this was my primary reason for joining your community, an objective I completely failed in this instance. However, though I freely admit that I am stilll quite deeply unhappy and that this is one of the hardest periods of my life to date, I am once again in a position of more tenuous control over my emotions and faculties and I swear to you that my dedication to my mission to better your lives in whatever way I can has only redoubled with this failure. I truly hope that my words have not caused undue amounts of damage to you and regardless of whether they have or not I would like to invite each of you to consider me your personal friend, confidante, or whatever it is that you require and I am able to provide. I'm sorry. Not in a dejected or self-pitying manner, in a manner of resolve to improve, grim though it may be. Thank you for your support and solidarity.
We haven't met before but let me say that I too have said and done things I am not proud of when I am psychotic. What can you do but apologise to those around you and give yourself a big hug, because you know the people that count will be there for you. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, as long as we try and learn from them and try and not repeat them (and I empathize Try) that is all that matters. That is my few cents worth ... I hope it helps to make you feel a wee bit better. Look forward to talking with you on the threads xx
