Lived Experience Forum

[Rarity]

Hello,

I am a male and am 16 years old. I am currently a student.

This is my story of what I believe to be my psychosis, my anxiety and my depression.

When I was 9 years old, I experienced something that I had thought nothing of at the time. It was a red dot, I saw this red dot everywhere I went, it was like an invisible man was following me with a laser pointer everywhere I went. As I grew older I began to feel unnerved and scared of this red dot, I often found myself scared, huddled up in my room if I saw it in the house, I preferred to be in wide open spaces with a lot of people where I knew that nothing could hurt me because other people would see it. This has now changed. The red dot as I have progressed through adolescence has morphed into a shadowy figure, i find it hard to complete simple tasks because I am scared of this figure. I can't walk my dog, or go outside for long periods of time because I always see it and get frightened. I see it out of the corner of my eye, and I hear it. At least I think I hear it, commonly when I look around, things are not there, I hear clapping to my right and I will look, and I will be facing a wall. These moments have made my dreams feel real, I begin to question if things really happened and am confused about my perceptions on reality.

I have been having these breaks from reality since I was 9. I am scared of my family and the people around me because I think they will hurt me. If I get in a verbal fight with someone, I will find myself gripping onto a blunt object, a bat or something or other at night and sleeping with it in my bed in case they come to hurt me or it comes to hurt me. This has driven me over the edge of sanity, more frequently, as I have grown older I have begun to question what is really real and what is not. I get blinding headaches occasionally but no one is ever there to help because I am always hiding in my room away from my family.

Recently, my family has left my home, my mother has flown away to look after my grandma, my dad works full-time and my sister goes to University throughout the day, leaving me completely on my own with the voices in my head. I am stuck in an internal conflict with myself and do not know what is wrong with me, I am scared of what is to come as this develops and I have no idea what to do. I am hoping someone has experienced these events before and is able to give me some advice on what they have done to combat this. No one I know, knows about my "condition" or the problems I am having. I do not like the idea of professional help because i am scared I will be forced to have medications and i am paranoid about things having influences on my body, i prefer to be in complete control which is why i avoid drugs and alcohol unlike others my age who leisurely drink.

I sleep near my side gate which leads me to wake up to sounds of it opening, i check but nothing is ever there and the gate is not open. I often wake up terrified with the image in my head that there is someone standing in the corner watching me and i have seen of what seems to be a figure leaning over my bed dozens of time, however, when i reach out to hit it or kick it away it is never there. I am struggling to distinguish what people are real and what people arent, I feel as if everyone is out to hurt me and cross the street to avoid contact with people on rare occassions which i leave my room. 

The past few days have left me scared and terrified as i have been alone, I constantly carry weapons on me in case someone is going to attack me, at school i am most vulnerable and scared because i have the fear of getting caught with a weapon and have the fear if i do not carry it, someone will hurt me. I also hold a first aid kit on me most of the time and on the rare occasions i forget i get all tensed up and often find myself cramping in my hands and feet as well as sweating a lot from my feat and sometimes my head.

I am honestly terrified to find out what is wrong with me but I am curious at the same time. I have no idea how to seek help without telling my family about the problems i have been having.

help me,

- Rarity

[MaryMahem]

Hi @Rarity.

I understand a little of your problem but not enough to offer you much advice - there are others here who will be more helpful.  My thoughts:

Headspace are really good with young people.  I think if you are 16 you are able to get medical treatment and couselling without parental permission and everything is private.  Though your parents may be more understanding and supportive than you think.  Have you tried talking to them about any of this?  A good GP could help you with services in your local area.

I have hypnagogic or hypnopompic hallucinations that are so real it is only logic and daylight that make me realise they weren't real.  I also sleep with a walking stick by my bed just in case.  I see that as a safety blanket.  Nothing wrong with that.

I hope you feel less alone after some responses.

[Rarity]

I haven't talked to anyone about this really. I am super scared to talk to my parents because they never take me seriously. They always blame these things on the amount of time i spend in my room alone, they blame it on my phone and computer screens as well as the day to day content i consume. 

As for headspace, I talked to one of their counsellours on an online webchat, i am too scared to talk on the phone. They referred me to go to one of their centers. I am scared to walk in and talk to people because that's unusual to me.

-R

[MaryMahem]

Hi @Rarity,

I understand how scary parents can be.  I never told my parents anything and I know my son keeps a lot of personal feelings private and we are really close.  I actually think it's pretty normal.  I would keep an eye for opportunities to mention something in a natural context (like a similar story/problem to yours comes up in a movie or news item) where you can say "I feel like that sometimes."  But if you're not comfortable talking to your parents yet, don't force it.  It may make you more anxious.

I don't talk on the phone either and going into somewhere new is incredibly daunting.  I have been trying to go to a MH group meeting for 3 weeks.  It's on tonight and at this stage I'm planning to go, but if my anxiety kicks in, I may not make it - again.  I know I will eventually make a meeting. It's okay to do things in your own time.  

Make an appointment if you can.  That will be the biggest step.  They have dealt with many shy, anxious, quiet (insert your biggest concern here) people and will do their best to make you feel at ease.  They will probably do a lot of the talking when they first meet you. 

Do you have a friend that could go with you?  If not, maybe music could help.  I know that is a popular coping strategy here and for me.  I will be playing it in my car on the way to my meeting tomorrow night.

You've already taken steps to reach out for help by coming here and chatting to Headspace online.  Keep taking those small steps until you're strong enough to take big ones.

[Lauz]

Hi @Rarity,

You have recieved some really wonderful advice here from @MaryMahem and I agree and would encourage you to reach out to your parents or your GP. I also know how scary this can seem but at the heart of it I am sure everyone just wants you to be okay.

It is great that you have contacted headspace and I think continuing to talk to them is great - maybe eventually you can transition to a phone chat? I also wanted to send you ReachOuts details here who are really great for supporting young people. They also have a forum where you may find some likeminded people and similar situations.

Keep talking to supports where ever you feel you can - you are very strong and brave for doing that!

Lauz

[Appleblossom]

It is a great idea to start reaching out through live chat if that is where you are comfortable. It is a good idea to transition to phone or face to face in small steps when you feel ready.

Personally I have found the Headspace people young but mature, friendly and welcoming.

Take care @Rarity Breaking through isolation about it is a huge step.