Lived Experience Forum

[Peacee]

I have these terrible thoughts all the time about the day my dad dies or is about to die. I’ve made a plan already to end my life when he is about to go because I know his death will end up killing me anyway. I’m not suicidal as such but simply have planned to die so I wouldn’t have to live in this world without him. My dad is currently in good health and is no where near death at all but when that day comes is when I plan on dying too. I physically can’t cope without him

[Former-Member]

HI @Peacee

It's Frog here, one of the Sane moderators. I see you have just joined up and I wanted to welcome you to our little forum 🙂

It sounds like you are very close to your Dad and I understand that feeling of not knowing how we could go on living without a loved one around. I'm glad your Dad is hale and hearty for now. He must be a great support for you.

Sometimes we do have dark (catastophic) thoughts, especially when living with depression. Do you have someone like a counsellor/ support worker with whom you can talk about these thoughts? There will be many Sane members who can relate to what you are saying. I encourage you to take a look around other threads and join in those discussions to connect with some people.

Hopefully most are sleeping atm but there are a few night owls on tonight 🙂

Please have a read of the forum guidelines here when you have 10 mins. They are to ensure the forum remains a safe, supportive and confidential space for all. Feel free to email the moderators if you are uncertain about something or need extra support. I am on until 7am today.

Again, welcome to our community and I look forward to reading your posts.

warm wishes,

Froginthepond

[Peacee]

I just love him so much. He is my whole world. I don’t want to ever be away from him. My friend believes it’s a coping mechanism to help me feel better knowing I have a plan. I certainly don’t want to die but I’ve also given myself a time frame which I know isn’t the norm but I know I’ll end up doing it. I know I won’t be able to live without him so I rather die before he does so I don’t deal with that pain. He is a lot stronger than me I don’t get that from him I’m quite over emotional and it takes a lot to open up about how I’m feeling because I always want everyone to think I’m fine

[Former-Member]

Do you live with your Dad? Are you also close to other family members? 

It's ok to not be fine sometimes and ask for help. Talking this issue through with a counsellor for example, could help you get some clarity and balance.

What type of MI are you living with, if I can ask?

Frog

[Peacee]

I live with both my mum and dad and I am quite close with the family mainly my dads side. I have struggled with depression for quite some time since high school. I used to be a lot worse. Now I go to work I see my friends and I see my family yet I always find myself with these thoughts. I was going to share this with someone but I was worried they would take it as a suicide threat for the future. It’s really not like that

[Former-Member]

There is a process that counsellors and health professionals follow for suicide risk assessment. If done well, it is supportive and focussed on keeping you safe for now. If you have no immediate plan or intent to harm yourself, that is a lower risk.

Most counsellors are familiar with these type of thoughts in their clients and would not judge you but validate how you are feeling.

What steps have you taken to improve your depression, you say it used to be a lot worse?

[Peacee]

When I was younger I attended CAMHS. I’ve always been too sensitive and emotional which is what causes me to feel depressed. I can watch the news and get overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like for this reason I shouldn’t even be here. I’ll hear one bad thing that’s happened in the world and I’ll start imagining if that was someone I love. Sometimes I can get really caught up in it. I don’t usually struggle to talk about what’s upsetting me, but I do realise what I’ve said about my dad makes it look concerning too which is why I haven’t said anything until tonight. Thank you heaps for relying

[Peacee]

I do live with both parents and am pretty close to the family mainly my dads side

[Former-Member]

That's great that you are close with family. Not everyone on here would have that benefit.

Sounds like you are very caring and empathic, you feel people's pain - not easy. Just wondering how old you are and what you have learned about managing your depression?