Topic Tuesday // Caring for the women in your life (daughter, sister, partner, mother) // 22 Aug, 7pm AEST

[Shaz51]

I think myself i am finding the little things of self care is best for me , like when mr shaz is unwell and gone to bed to do something then @Littletink_, @Determined

[Determined]

The closest I have to self care is working on my university degree. But that sometimes adds additional stress and preassure that is unhelpful. I am able to succeed because my university and teaching staff are very understanding and flexible. 

I actually started the degree after I lost my job, a job I had lived and breathed for so long it was part of who I was, I felt myself rapidly sinking into a big black pit so uni was a  means of doing something measureable with deadlines and purpose. I have thought of giving up many times when jt gets too much but the alternative concerns me. 

[Littletink_]

Yes it is @Shaz51
But I guess we do the best we can. Some days I think we have to remember that we can't do everything. And @Former-Member is right, if we don't refuel we aren't going to be well enough to look after our partners. I may have to do some research and look into different ways of refuelling just to get some more ideas

[Former-Member]

Another lifeline for me is that I can see that my partner tries really hard to protect me and our daughter from his illness.  He can't always completely hide it or stop it from impacting but I can see that it's important to him to try. 

That really lifts me back up and helps me to keep on going.

Is that the case for anyone else too?

[Shaz51]

You have suggested a few things that you like doing @Littletink_

I have a thread called Carer`s hints and tips to success if you like to have a look at some time

[Littletink_]

Yeah I think that's a good idea @Shaz51
Learning how to use my time more wisely when she is having down time or something like that. But most of the time I just feel pooped and exhausted
I am also trying to take notice more of what I am fuelling my body with like food ect because it will help me stay on top of things a bit more if I'm eating better and getting the right nutrition

[Shaz51]

one day at a time @Littletink_, don`t be hard on yourself when you could not do it today , tomorrow you can , keep a list handy

[Determined]

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@Former-Member wrote:

It's about the sustainability of your situation @Determined and @Littletink_. 

Determined, you have clearly found a way to keep pushing beyond the empty tank but I wonder what the cost is?  We can definitely get to a point where those small guestures of giving back to ourselves no longer cut it.  Things have gone too far and our resilience has been used up.  

It's at that point that the load needs to be shared.  Well, ideally before then, but at this point there's not much choice before the consequences for your own health become too great.

You gave some really great advice to Littletink about getting help Determined.  Do you have a chance to draw on that in your own life too?   

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I often wonder if I am already seeing those consequences @Former-Member but in so many ways feel trapped and have no option but to push on. I am getting more help in recent times, some times grudgingly and only out of necessity.   I have recently started seing a councilor again, have learning supports in place at the uni and getting more help with the children. That has been the hardest due to family politics and percieved lack of respect but I dont have a lot of choice at the moment .

The biggest help for me over the last 6 months has been these forums. I find it hard to talk about our struggles as it feels like I am running my wife down and thats good, I dont want people to think bad of her.  On here people understand, i dont have to explain or justify what I am saying. 

I have also reached oht to people in our church, that has been a huge relief and their support has been overwhelming. 

[Jacques]

@Former-Member @Determined @Shaz51 @Littletink_ i think it is also so important to have a good friend you can confide in too, someone outside the relationship to be able to get some new ideas and have a small break, even a coffee with a friend helps give you the energy to be more supportive. 

i find sometimes comming to SANE to talk about how best to sup[port my partner helps a lot. others with new insights and ideas really makes all the difference

[Nirgal]

Hi All, I joined a bit late as I am in WA. I've been with my wife for 5 years now and she suffers from borderline traits, depression and anxiety. My family rejected her and I am now estranged from them as I had to choose between them and my partner. I don't regret sticking with her as I found a lot of personal growth in caring for her and her two children. In the last six months she has been suffering migraines and depression to the point where she needed to be hospitalized. I do a lot of self care. I go to meditation meetings once a week and practice daily, go cycling with groups in the area and keep fit in the Gym. I also started studying as my job situation is becoming increasingly uncertain. This is very stressfull and I think I have been slipping into full carer mode. I recently found out my wife had an affair with another patient while in the clinic and instead of getting angry as I should have I was more concerned about her committing suicide when I confronted her. We agreed to marriage counselling when I come back from work in a couple of weeks, but I feel like I have one foot out the door....