Topic Tuesday // Caring about, not caring for // Tues 20 Aug, 7pm AEDT

[Former-Member]

I try and keep things light, put in a little bit of humour, approach things from the lighter side.

[Shaz51]

It is hard work @Georgie_Girl 

So good that he does talk to you 

Took awhile for my Mr shaz to talk , he used to keep everything inside and blame everything around home , including me 

@Former-Member 

[Georgie_Girl]

@Shaz51 

Its a recent development- he used to always become silent or isolate himself and not say a word. Put up a wall.

He has started talking in the last few months and I’m so grateful for that

[Shaz51]

Hello @Mrsjones , @Teej  xxxx 

[Shaz51]

Wonderful @Georgie_Girl 

Don't push too hard now my friend xx

Nice and easy 

I know it is hard at times

But you are awesome 

[Former-Member]

Okay all - moving on to our next discussion point. 

Moving on to our next discussion point – what can we do if the person does not want help? In a past Topic Tuesday we dove a bit deeper into this area (feel free to review here after tonight). But I have pulled a useful quote from that night. It can be helpful to consider or be aware of why someone may not want help or the feelings they may be experiencing, this quote helps us look at that:

The missing piece is that the other person has to want help. You can’t force them to believe anything is wrong — wrong enough to warrant some major changes in their life. 1) Change is scary and 2) Admitting you have may have huge innate flaws is scary. - thoughtcatalog 

Other reasons they may not want help:

• Scared
• Wanting to make decisions independently
• Denial
• Ashamed to accept your help

Have you had the experience where the person you are concerned for doesn’t want help? How have you approached this? What tips would you share with others from your experience?

[Determined]

I like what Darcy said.

Just try and keep things light

For outside of home contacts I try an let people know I am available and not let my home enviornment influence my thoughts and conversation. Sometimes people just need to talk to another adult. I Definatly know the value of that. 

[Mrsjones]

Hello, 1st time here. 

My husband has bipolar, BPD and alcohol dependency. it's been the hardest year so far, just when we feel we are managing well it all falls down around us. 

My husband has kept a lot from me in the past, particularly around alcohol. I have learnt to react lightly, even when I feel betrayed and lied to. This encourages him to open up more because it's not going to lead to a fight or hurt feelings. 

I also find that by researching myself (medications his on, therapy approaches he takes part in) helps him open up more as well. If he knows and trusts that I am taking a interest in what he is doing he feels more supported. 

[Determined]

When someone does not want help?

I have been in this position a couple of times.

One time in particular I arranged for a caring friend to contact a family member. That went really badly and we did not talk for months after. Still hurts years later despite still believing I did the right thing. Usually I simply gently remind that I am here or advise other helpful avenues. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mrsjones - welcome! Thank you so much for sharing. Those are great tips. Trying not to react too much is tricky but a skill that can be worthwhile. You raised something else that we haven't discussed just yet and that is around getting informed. 

In the context of what to do if someone doesn't want help, getting informed can be really helpful, as it can be helpful generally too. Researching things like you mentioned such as therapies or maybe researching what a loved one has mentioned they are going through to increase your understanding.

Have others done this in trying to support their loved one?