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totally confused ....

hi everyone, 

tonight seems to be a real struggle.... 

One of my main issues at the moment is memory, i dont remember most of my childhood and the things that went on in it. Today i found out that i had spoken up about something that was happening to me when i was 7. This memory never came to surface until only a few months ago, and what i do remember isnt the full picture. i thought i was a little older to start with, then i thought the only time i spoke of it was when i was 12-13. turns out i spoke of it when it was happening or happened, and when it was brought to peoples attention it was pretty much dismissed due to it causing conflict in the family (so i found out today) i was under the impression that people were not aware but now i have found out that people did know im angry, im also very confused , lost (again),sad, and all the other emotions that go with it. Its really hard for me to believe the people i thought didnt know, did... and they pretty much turned away like it didnt happen as i guess that was the easy thing to do. 

I thought my head was starting to clear a little these last few weeks, the other voice in my head has been quiet the last couple of weeks and i felt normal ( somewhat) alot of the time, now i feel i have taken 10 steps backwards. 

Whats else is hard is that the people i could normally lean on i cant as either im not allowed to contact them right now or they turn there back on me due to my latest actions. Dont get me wrong, my partner is great, but i miss everyone, especially at times like these when i just want to close my eyes and not open them again.... 

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5 REPLIES

Re: totally confused ....

Hi @melq83,

Thank you for sharing this. That is a big piece of information to take in and I can imagine that attempting to process it in the ansence of the people that you would normally turn to must be very hard. I hope that you feel the warmth and support of the forum community, all here for you.

 

How have you been getting through this tough time? How do others get through tough times when thier normal support networks are unavailable?

 

Re: totally confused ....

hi @Chamomile thank you for replying.... 

 

I pretty much depend on just my partner these days, he is a great support network for me! 

We also have a close friend of ours that is our chiro who i turn to alot. As much as my partner is great sometimes i just need to turn to someone else. 

 

sorry that this was such a late reply, i've been on abit of a roller coaster these last two weeks, i ended up taking the kids away for a few days to clearmy head. 

I guess one thing i tend to do often is to remember that my kids need me more than anything, and i need to get through this for them. 

 

Re: totally confused ....

Hi @melq83

Glad you managed to get away with kids. Smiley Happy

Their needs do keep us going, even when we dont believe we can do it.  Putting one foot in front of the other is a good simple strategy.

Early trauma and abuse is a huge issue in families.  Pride and defensiveness and confused loyalties make it very tricky.  I am sorry you were not heard as a child.

The best thing is learning to love yourself healthily.  

Smiley Happy

 

Re: totally confused ....

Thanks @Appleblossom .. hardest thing is not remembering most of it 😏

but as u said, one foot in front of the other! 

Re: totally confused ....

One of things that was critical to me surviving, remembering and getting some clarity on my life, was the fact that many events were recorded in my ward of the state file.  It helped me validate odd memories and experiences.  An odd benefit!

Sometimes memories can be recovered, triggered by similar associations etc.  I did fairly deep feeling work in the 1980s and wrote a memoir in HSC that was pivotal for me.

SOmetimes journalling can open things up and then dreams can help too, BUT you have to be in a space to be able to do that kind of work.  A lot depends on your current pressures in life.

@melq83 Smiley Happy

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