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Something’s not right

sukulele
New Contributor

Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

My very loving and amazing partner of 3 years has turned in somebody I do not recognise. Something is clearly wrong with her.

 

Last year, her personality (temper, life goals, feelings towards me, her own emotions) changed completely. It was a gradual switch and I did not understand its importance then - at first she'd get angry about tiny things, but I thought she was just stressed from work. Then, she started picking arguments out of seemingly nowhere, and I was dumbstruck. Those arguments started to escalate because she'd get more and more worked up, no matter what I said/did. After the arguments, she'd still be mad for a while (sometimes hours, sometimes days), but finally go back to being her old self - for a period of time. Then she'd get angry again and the cycle repeated, over and over again. She told me she couldn't let go of anything because we never resolved anything, we just argued about the same things every time eventually.

 

She'd go into a rage. Destroying our home, hitting doors behind which I was hiding, telling me she'd hurt me or herself and that everything was my fault, always, that I deserved her anger. She broke up with me two times in a rage and afterwards told people I was a terrible person for leaving her. 

It was only when breaking up with me became a pattern that I realised that it wasn't actually my fault. That I was in no way doing the things she thought I was doing, that I wasn't to blame for her anger, that I didn't cause her life to fall apart and that there was something seriously wrong with her and we were both spiralling down fast. 

At first, I suspected depression. It became clear over time though that yes, she might be suffering from depression, but she also - by now - perfectly fits the criteria for BPD, and I am still in a phase of shock because I didn't see it before, how very plainly ALL her actions can be attributed to it.

The problem is: by now, she doesn't believe a word I say. She tells people I'm manipulative, a liar, worthless - good old projection right there. She sees in me what she perceives to be true about herself.

I made her see a therapist after the 3rd time when she broke up with me and threw me out of our home - but the therapist has cleary been told what's my partner's view on reality. She says, since my partner evidently told her what a piece of shit I am, that I am very manipulative, probably suffer from BPD myself and need to leave my now ex-partner alone.

But I am leaving her alone. She threw me out and cancelled our flat, so I'm currently living with my mother again because I've also lost my job due to what has been going on. I can't process this. I cry all day. I hate her so much for ruining both our lives and futures like this and I never want to hear from her again - but on the other hand, I love her, so very much, I wanted to spend my whole life with her. I made a commitment to always be there for her, no matter what. I can't just turn away and let her ruin herself further. She needs professional help, treatment, anything really. She has been telling me she wants to die herself for a month now. 

But her therapist is apparently content to blame it on me. She doesn't know about the suicide threats, the constant emotional manipulation and boundary crossing, that nothing happened as my partner describes it. Shouldn't she notice that things do not add up? Shouldn't she realise, since she has studied psychology and psychoanalysis, that something is not right?

Nobody she knows believes me. Her friends laugh about my concern, she is a totally different person with them. Her parents too. And now her therapist too. I would have believed that I am indeed a terrible person and make her angry all the time if there hadn't been one good friend of mine who keeps me in touch with reality. He has witnessed a few of her outbursts and has told me several times to call the police or an ambulance because he feared she'd hurt herself or me. He is the only one that I can talk to who believes me and also thinks there is something wrong with her.
I don't know what to do anymore. It gets worse every day. She broke up with me, threw me on the street after I refused to get in a car with her while she was in a rage, and yet she texts and calls every day. She tells me things about her day, in a neutral way, obviously tries to establish some sort of communication so she doesn't feel alone. In the evenings, her tone takes a turn for the worse and she says she wants to die, to hurt herself, that she doesn't have any hope - and that quickly escalates into "you are a piece of shit I hate you-  you made this happen you caused me this pain so eff off like you always do and leave me alone I never want to hear from you this is the end goodbye"In the mornings, she then continues the neutral conversation as if nothing ever happened.

I am at a total loss. How do I handle this?

 

5 REPLIES 5

Re: Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

Hi @sukulele

 

Welcome to the Forum and thanks for sharing your story.

 

That is a huge load you are carrying. I hope you are finding time for yourself, taking time out and looking after your self care. One of the things you can control is doing things that help you to cope and looking after yourself as best you can. 

 

Good on you for reaching out. You are by no means the only person who has had to deal with this. Have a play with the search section to find similar experiences. It might be helpful to focus on what you can control. Getting the right information and support is part of this. Please feel free to ring the SANE Helpline on 1800 187 263 between 10am and 10pm Eastern Time to talk this through and info on further support.

 

I hope that you will find the forums to be a supportive place for exploring all these issues. Just a tip, if you are replying to someone or wanting to notify or touch base with someone, place an @ before their username, as in @sukulele

 

All the best

Joe The Lion

Re: Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

Hi there @sukulele

 

I watched my BPD mum abuse three husbands (two she left and one sadly passed last year) and now only her adult children are left to take the brunt of the mood swings and irrational thought patterns and rages and self obsessed behaviours and games - my experience has been she cannot help herself and will never have insight into her condition enough to maybe control or make allowances for it - she doesn’t mean to be difficult - I love her and she loves us - but my goodness loving her is hard work sometimes - actually hard work a lot of the time - but she is my mum so I can’t choose to change that - but in terms of life partner relationships they have to benefit and balance out for both people - from what you describe  I highly recommend you seriously think about walking away while you are both relatively intact and to be honest 3 yrs is not that long to not recover from ... a lifetime loving and living  with a BPD Partner is a massive commitment and Absolutely will be a burden and take a toll - do you really want that ? The sacrifices you are making will continue. I really think you should get professional  help to think this through properly - this decision will change your life forever please think it through and talk it through with your psychologist thoroughly so you make the decision eyes wide open ... wishing you all the best no matter what you decide 🙂

Re: Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

Hi @sukulele Smiley Happy

 

I was just checking-in to see how you are going with your partner? It sounds like both her and you have been on such an emotional roller coaster! I can't imagine how distressed, exhausted, hurt and grief-stricken you must be feeling around the loss of the relationship and who your partner used to be. Smiley Sad Have you tried reaching out to the SANE Help Centre or a Mental Health Professional yourself, as suggested by @JoeTheLion and @Sophie1, respectively? If so, how have you gone with this?

 

Sincerely hoping things have started to improve for you and your partner.

 

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

Re: Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

Hello @Sophie1 , hello @Amour_Et_Psyché

Thanks for your replies.

 

As of now, I would say that I am not considering staying with her as her partner, especially since she broke up with me once more. She quit our flat, threw me out within 10 minutes and successfully sabotaged our future together. It did not seem she wanted me to stay with her any longer. By now, the tune of that has changed. Even though she broke up with me, she keeps calling/texting every day and goes slightly nuts when I don't respond favourably. She however has no intention of apologising or trying to make amends, she simply "expects" me to still be there for her 24/7 despite what happened.

Because of this, I actually spent a night with her in her new place. She refused to sleep there without me and was completely oblivious to my discomfort and confusion at being expected to act as if nothing happened.

We've known each other almost 15 years now. We just moved in together 3 years ago. Dealing with her is very challenging right now. I lost my job and sleep on my (also BPD-suffering) mother's couch 50 minutes away, which makes the whole process even more complicated. Money is incredibly tight and I can't afford to go see her regularly even though she expects me to, and of course she does not understand that. 

 

Sophie, watching your own mother slowly driving everybody away must really have taken a toll on you during your childhood. I can imagine it somewhat. My own mother has been living with undiagnosed BPD for my entire life, and although she used to function somewhat in society, it's gotten to the point by now where I am her only contact, period. She makes friends fast but then usually finds a reason why they are terrible people within 24 hours. It's draining, to say the least, because that is all she talks about, for hours. Zero self-reflection. I've learned to cope with it enough not to let her run my life, but acceptance came slow. 

 

@Amour_Et_Psyché: Yes, the roller coaster methaphor fits perfectly. We used to have a very secure, stable and "normal" relationship. Going from that to what is such a mess right now hurts unbelievably. I love her so very much, and I still haven't really processed what is happening, and why it is happening. 

I've actually, at my lowest, caught myself thinking it would be "easier" for me to understand and accept if she was dead. She goes from loving to hating me in seconds. She does not understand that there is something wrong with her. Her therapist thinks I suffer from BPD, because she attributes all her issues to me in the sessions.

 

I am trying to make her see a more qualified therapist or better yet a psychiatrist, but of course since she disagrees that she has any issue and her therapist is on her "side", she isn't really seeing reason. In a "neutral" mood she sometimes agrees with me, tells me that she is scared of herself and feels like she doesn't have any control over her thoughts and actions sometimes, but it's always just to appease me, to get me to support her emotionally. She never follows through with a promise or appointment.

I am currently on a waiting list for a therapist's appointment. I find it really hard to stay calm around her and not become reactive, as I am very emotional at the moment. She consistenly feels like I am the one who broke up with her and who needs to prove herself again as a friend, so any talking about the breakup/whys will send her off into a rage again as she does not believe it happened that way. And it really hurts me that she does not care for my situation at all. She shows zero sympathy. So I feel like keeping some distance is good for us, but she also does not understand that.

 

 

Re: Suspect BPD in partner, sudden onset in mid-20s? feeling helpless

Hi @sukulele 

wow 15 yrs is a long time to know each other - I was fascinated to read of your experiences with your mum and partner (ex partner ?) ... anyway I forgot to mention in my first message to you a great book I read that really helped me accept and interact more positively with my also undiagnosed BPD mum. .. ‘stop walking on eggshells’ by Mason and Kreger ... it really really helped me and was recommended to me by a psychologist when I was going through a rough patch with my mum .. great examples and strategies to manage those are in the book 

 

take care of yourself and I wish you strength and patience for today 🙂 

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