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Something’s not right

Battered-Sav
Casual Contributor

Suicidal ideation

Hi all, I’m sorry to post something so dark after only having a small amount of contact with you all. I really need to ask for any help or support you might have to offer. I’m really, really struggling right now 😞 I’m stuck in a situation where I’m heavily reliant on my Dad who is very smart and was extremely emotionally abusive growing up before he cut contact; now more than 20 years later I feel like it’s all replaying again and again. I was in so much need when I came here, I was at the lowest point. I am now constantly trying to please those around me but there’s no way, it’s impossible and I can’t avoid conflict no matter how much I submit. His anger is fierce and no matter how much he knows about my fear he can’t control it.  I am unraveling and the thought loops are relentless. Last year I thought things couldn’t get worse, I have tried to be positive so many times before when life went dark but now I can’t muster hope. I am not fun or smart or a good friend anymore, I just feel like a source of stress and pain and no matter how hard I try to make sense of this all I can’t think right anymore. I hope this makes sense to some of you, I hope it’s ok to write this. Thank you for listening 🙏💜

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Suicidal ideation

@Battered-Sav  Hi Battered-Sav and welcome to the forums. We haven't met before but I am so sorry that you are going through so much emotional trauma at this time. I am not very good with this kind of thing I am kind of a go lucky kind of pea however I will sit with you and you can talk if you wish or not depending upon how you feel.

 

Here and listening. greenpea

Re: Suicidal ideation

Thank you @greenpea 🧡 I’ve survived a lot of extreme situations and had an idea at the time as to how I could get through it, right now I have no idea what to do so I’m so grateful to have people with me! I’ve had people leave my life by their own hand and I don’t want to be the cause of so much pain by leaving or by staying. Logically I know enough about depression to know it will tell me it’s hopeless. I also have ptsd and I know that there is no cure, you can’t escape your memories no matter what you do. I don’t know what to do and I’m scared so I’m just going to hold on as long as I can right here and not act on anything. Thank you for supporting me, happy go lucky pea 🙏

Re: Suicidal ideation

@Battered-Sav  🙂 you will always find people here who will support you by either listening or giving advice if you want. It is a great community of people who will never judge you no matter what. It is hard when people in rl leave you just when you need them the most even though it may feel like you are pushing them away. When you feel up to it have a look at the Good Morning thread (which goes on all day:P) that is a great place to meet up with a variety of people and form friendships. I also really like the Friday Night Feast on every Friday at around 7pm. It is a great social event where everyone just talks and has a good time. I also hang out on The Long Rave which you are most welcome to visit and say hi to meet yet more people. I will be around for a bit longer till about 7.30. Otherwise will see you tomorrow. Remember you will never be alone here. greenpeaxxx

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