Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello,

my story is quite complicated, full of abuse, trauma, ... but I have a few questions that I will just put out there as general questions.

Has anyone charged, forgiven... their abusers and how did you move forward? If it’s a family member, how did you continue or not continue the relationship?

Has anyone got an issue with a family member returning to a religious faith that troubles you greatly and how did you cope?

Have you shared with the people who were supposed to look after you when you were little, that you were abused? How did you continue from that?

I am very confused with these questions and would just like to know how other people coped. I don’t know how to cope. Thank you!

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Former-Member

They are really good questions to ask.

Even just asking them can help you, in your journey to recover from abuse.

Unfortunately, I have had similar issues with family, faith and betrayal by carers. 

I have tried the "forgiveness" approach and know it is not the full answer.

Some one who was on the forum a while ago did sue a church.  

For me I have commitments and complications that have delayed me going legal.

I hope others can also answer.

Take Care

Apple

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

These are interesting questions - I can answer what I did about a couple - so let's see

I was "interferred" with sexually by two teenage girls who used to baby-sit me - finally my mother thought I had done something myself and when I told on these girls my mother didn't believe me as these girls predicted and I was spanked and called a dirty little girl by my mother - 

So about the girls

I don't feel anything about them now - I remember an intense dislike of these girls, my mother never left me with those girls again though and regarding the whole issue - it is now an unpleasant memory and I  don't recall any moment when I was afraid of them  = rather I seemed to know from a young age that there was something radically wrong with the older one - and it was over

It was worse with my mother though - from a young age I was emotionally and physically abused - the physical abuse stopped when I started fighting back but the emotional abuse went on until she died and there were years when I kept away from her - and nothing passed between us for long periods of time - no birthday or Christmas cards - my mail to her was returned, the phone hung up in my ear and the front door slammed. 2.5 years before she died I told her I didn't like being treated that way and I walked out and didn't go back

I forgave her - people have asked me how I did this and the truth is as much as she didn't deserve it I also didn't want to carry her nastiness around with me so I forgave her. It was a process rather than an act and it has been a hard lesson. I can see the reasons for what she did but these are not excuses for her bad behaviour.

I forgave her for myself and I am glad I did bacause I have left all of it behind - even the way she left me with nasty teenagers when I was really young- and I am free of her

I moved forward - I lived my own life and it was hard - after some years my father had enough of all the bitterness in my mother's nature and wanted me back in the family and this worked for a few years until he died and things went back to the way they were - and it was hard - very hard

The thing is I had to make up my mind what I wanted - to be independent and live my life as lost as I sometimes felt or to be part of my family of origin and be totally miserable and not be the best of who I could be - the best I am

I am sorry that things went this way but these decisions were my choice and I am glad I lived my successful life away from my family and those who survive just don't know. But I do. That's important. I have been alone and pleased myself - judged harshly but vindicated by my father

I hope this helps

Dec

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

I'm sorry I'm struggling today but wanted to let you know that I was sbused by two family members and a neighbour. I did tell my parents who I thought would love me snd believe me but it was the complete opposite. My mum verbally sbused me and said I had betrayed the family. I was only 9-12 yrs old. I never charged these guys but did go to the police and spoke to the sexual crime dept and they told me I could go ahead but be aware it would be very traumatic for me and at the time I was too fragile to go through it. 

I have niw kept my distance with my parents and it hurts. The ones that I thought and believed would protect and love haven't and it hurts. 

Im sorry you have gone through this snd I am thinking of you 

take care @Former-Member

BB xxxooo

[saturnzoon]

I have had similar thing happen to me, @Former-Member @Appleblossom @BlueBay @Owlunar  and anyone i have forgotten 

when i was, around 16 and then recently a couple of years ago by a family member.

My first re-action was disbelief then scared then anger and how to live with it,.

Then what do i do,  do i tell my other family members living with him and the ones that aren't and the worst part my kids.

 I have nothing to do with that person now will not talk to him and not see him, it's easier that hes in a different state so i dont have to see him, but i always worry about the time when i will have to see him if a family emergency happens on how it will affect me.

I have thought about letting authorities know, but feel to ashamed and worry about wether the rest of my family would believe me, when i still can't believe it myself,  as for forgiveness, I know the Lord says we should forgive those that have hurt us, as he died on the cross to forgive our sins, but this is one thing i can't,  I have tried, maybe one day i  could after therapy I just don't know. 

Our brains locks these things away to protect us but then in dreams sometimes comes up

All I'm sure about is it has affected how I relate to men now and can not have a close relationship with any now..

I'm grateful that we can talk about it on here, and can help each other when one of us is having a hard time hopefully and maybe suggest just some little thing that can get that person through that day and most importantly know where not alone.

For all of us on this thread ,i send ××× HUGS ×××to all for today and may we feel comfort

[BlueBay]

@saturnzoon 

Hugs to you 

BB xxoo

[Appleblossom]

Part of the reason the church has got itself in so much hot water over the sex abuse is vague airy notions about forgiveness culture.

The "social" work needs to be done. Its varied and manifold.  Often forgiveness can mean a perpetrator continues. 

I see the aim to be free of the negative effects of trauma. Some of the biggest pushers of forgiveness have damaged others and been unforgiving in themselves. 

Our souls, morality and sexuality are intertwined.

[saturnzoon]

Thank you @Appleblossom and @BlueBay

[Former-Member]

Thank you @saturnzoon @Appleblossom @BlueBay @Owlunar

I have read your messages but will need a bit of time to reply. It is an incredibly difficult subject but I am so glad to know I’m not on my own.

[Former-Member]

I still find it incredibly difficult to accept my own childhood abuse. It sounds so paradox but I am only starting to understand the extend of my childhood (sexual) abuse. I fiercely despise childhood abuse, but to fully accept I am a victim seems so powerless, hopeless and helpless and makes me hate myself and question so much in my life and it makes me so incredibly confused.