Lived Experience Forum

[Isabella_d]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site, however diagnosed with BPD in 2014 and it felt ... right. Unfortunately. Lol.

I have fought and fought for BPD not to rule my life and I am mainly succeeding. I think.

But. A week ago I got a shock when my psycchologist said that something that had occurred in a new job was 'a shadow of the bpd' appearing when i was anxious about co-workers. I am actually annoyed. lol. I work so hard not to be bpd or have issues. My psychologist and I had just agreed that the BPD was no longer a major factor in my life. grrrrr...

But not being too hard on myself.

I hate labels.

So. I am the safest, most secure and stable I have EVER been, however, I dont have anyone in my life. I have a friend that I speak to 2-3 times a week by text/msgn sometimes phone. I dont have any family (they all passed away) and, due to life circumstances I am single, no children and no long standing friends. The last few years have been shocking with a loss of a huge amount of people in my life.

I get told not to isolate ... but when I try to make friends, it doesnt work - even though I watch myself carefully, dont put expecttions on people and am clear I am ok on my own. So. Isolation comes reallllly easily when you have no one in your life consistently .. I am safe but is it a bad thing?

Example - I havent spoken to anyone that is remotely a friend for over a week - its only been work. THis weekend I didnt speak to anyone - no texts, messages, emails calls nothing. No one to call. No one to call me.

I am definately not suicidal but ...really ... am I a bad person that deserves to be so bloody alone?

Here is the joke of my life - I have attachment issues apparently and a fear of being alone. apparently. Yet I am not attached to anyone and am completely and utterly alone.

Let me be clear - I am not lonely. But seriously, this is a farce. I have no one. And I get tired of people saying to me to get a hobby, reach out to people, say yes, go out etc etc etc ... people are too busy nowadays to have someone new in their life. My only option is to have a relationship - which I am really not chasing at all... coz .. you know ... I have made bad choices in the past and there are 'issues' that I have now due to the ex partners.

Lol.

Why is life so hard.

Sorry for the rant.

[Zoe7]

If you want to be amongst people who live a lot of their time on their own - or feel like that is the case - then you definitely have come to the right place @Isabella_d 

Welcome to the forum  If you have any questions about any features or finding your way around then feel free to tag me and I will do my best to answer them. I hope you find this to be a place you can be yourself, talk and seek support - you are definitelly not alone here 

[Isabella_d]

Thanks @Zoe7. Is this normal to not want to spend time with people because I feel too odd, too different? I tell people I have social tourettes - I will say the most inappropriate things if I dont manage myself really well. It is exhausting. I also have ADHD and possibly bi-polar.

[Zoe7]

I can't say it is or is not normal @Isabella_d - our individual concepts of what can be categorised as 'normal' certainly differ from person to person, society to society, and across the world.

What I can say is that I isolate myself as much as I possibly can - my isolation is out of fear mostly.

I love your example of having 'social tourettes' (lol) mixed in with ADHD, BPD and possibly bi-polar  - that would definitely make meeting new people a little harder.

[Isabella_d]

@Zoe7yes mine is fear nowadays. I used to be able to be more open, however I have stopped drinking for the last two years and although I am grateful every.single.day. that I don't have to live this life drunk, hungover, sick and tired, I am now aware of WHY I drank. When I drank/drugged, I was able to socialise and meet people - or get involved in long term relationships.

Now that I am sober, I am more aware of my 'issues' and it's harder to manage them so it's exhausting - actually it is easier to manage them, but I am more aware of my head, the voices and the messages that go through my mind every. second. of. the. day.

I used to drink to drown them out ... now I dont have that luxury but I do have a lot of tools and strategies and self talk to keep me safe, secure and happy.

I am happier than I have ever been - such a complex thought!

Thanks for chatting Zoe. x

[Zoe7]

No problem at all @Isabella_d - it is nice to chat to you.

I get that feeling of actually being able to think your thoughts - for a long time I pushed everything to the back of my mind - and did what I had to to get through each day. Work was my main outlet - I worked long days and usually 7 days a week - now I am off work I have A LOT of time to think and it can be dangerous for me to do that too much.

It is lovely to hear that you are the happiest you have ever been and I hope that connecting on here will give you a few more outlets to chat.

There is a thread where you can introduce yourself here and that will get you connected to more people. Also have a look around the forum - there are threads for people with BPD for example. I am on a thread called Am Not Coping mostly (because I often am not coping well) - I can tag you from there also if you would like 

[Tortoiseshell]

Hi @Isabella_d, 

Just reiterating @Zoe7's welcome to the forums  I hope you find it helpful and supportive. It sounds like you have put in incredible work to get to where you are at the moment, safe and secure and stable. And sounds like being engaged with your thoughts is challenging but you have so many tools. 

It can be so challenging starting new relationships (friendships or romantic) at different stages of life, and it can feel like everyone has their networks set up already with no room for us. @Zoe7 made a great suggestion of exploring the forums a bit. Here is an older thread discussing some of what you were mentioning here

[Zoe7]

Hi @Isabella_d How are you doing today?  I am having a rest day - not well enough to do anything but snuggling up with my dog is helping  Do you have any pets? My dog is kinda like a forum dog - most people have seen photos of Toby and I talk about him all the time lol I also have a cat which we just call Cat on here - her name would be too recognisable as it is unusual 

[jay2]

Don't let it bother you it's called protecting yourself. If there is no one else in your life who else can protect you ,but you. I have bp2 and I withdraw to protect my self from further hurts from people who do not understand my illness I prefere to keep it to myself and do it my way and I come out of it better and with no harm to me or any one else. Being alone is OK you get on with your life in the way that you feel comfortable,you do not have to fall into the other peoples patterns, you are not a sheep. Some thing will turn up that you can fit into,you just have to wait for it. Don't go into something that makes you feel uncomfortable,it will lead to stress which can trigger off a depression or a high. Get a kitten a puppy or a budgie. That will shut your psychologist up,pets are excellent company and they are recommended for people with a mental illness . Good luck.

[Isabella_d]

Hi everyone. Zoe and Tortoishell - thank you for checking in again. So much appreciated. Thanks for the links 😀
Jay2 - hi.
Yep 2 cats who are cray cray and super affectionate- I beg them for space!!! 🤣 they are clingy but lick kiss me lots and one licks my tears - gross but love as she shows it. She headbuts me which is cat for love. No more cats -not cat lady In my future and no dog - too needy!!
I love that I’m supported in being understood about protecting myself and others from hurt and keeping myself safe. That’s my buzz word at the moment- I’m safer than I ever have been. It’s great you guys understand.
I thought I’d beaten this. But haven’t but that’s ok.
My psychologist is supportive and I don’t play games etc - I’m too old for that.
Thanks guys.
🤓