Lived Experience Forum

[Jenny92]

Hi all. I’m new to this forum and have decided to join because I want to learn more about my boyfriends depression and try to cope with what is happening. My heart is very broken and I feel like I myself am in a dark place now.

heres the back story;

when i I met my boyfriend he told me that he used to suffer with depression and he thought he was destined to be alone until he met me and I changed all of that for him. We have had a rocky relationship at times but don’t we all. He is the most genuine caring human and loves me with all of his heart and he proves that to me day in and day out. I had some emotional baggage on my end that was chasing some stress in our relationship and he broke down one day about it and suddenly started telling me how he’s so unhappy and crying about how he gets like this, it always happens, he can’t feel anything and he’s miserable and just wants to be alone. This did not scare me whatsoever, my first reaction was to hold him and tell him I will love him through this and he just kept saying no he was going to end up hurting me. We got past that and we’re doing really well. Still no signs of depression from him though 11 months into our relationship. He’s a very private person but we are each others best friend and he tells me everything, vents about everything, we are very open with each other. About 2 months ago he started house hunting. This process became very stressful for him and I could tell there were things about him that just seemed off and it was effecting our relationship. I have a lot of trauma from my past and sometimes need a little more explaining and hand holding when I get inside my head, but he’s always been so good about that and it’s never really been an issue. Now if I’m not a bubbly ball of sunshine 24/7 he can’t handle me. Well.... I suppose it depends if I caught him in the right mood. Well now he has bought this house and his father is driving him up the wall, his truck broke, there’s a lot of work to bto done to the house and a lot of money going into it. He’s so stressed out, it’s not healthy. And I believe this stress is triggering his depression and he is blaming me for it. We will be perfectly fine, loving life, and me being super supportive and positive about any stress he’s facing and then I’ll make a wrong move and he will just associate all stress in his life with me. It’s not fair but I let him know he can’t do that and he seems to snap out of it and be fine again. 

So heres what just happened.... exactly what he predicted weeks ago.

we had an amazing night Thursday, woke up great morning, he told me how amazing it is to wake up with me in the mornings, kisses me goodbye and said I love you. We were texting throughout the day and he had a car show to go set up for that afternoon. He does not like the people that run the car show which was stressing him out and he found out he would be working with my ex boyfriend all day. Not ideal... I was supposed to go to said car show on Saturday to work the booth or just hang out all day with him. Suddenly at the time that he got to the set up he started getting very short with me and then uninvited me to the car show. My feelings were hurt but I left it alone for now. He called me that night and told me he was going to get pallets and his friend was having a fire. Back up again this friend is his “best friend” who has not been beingnnihht to him or putting in any effort to be his friend for a very long time and that had been bothering my friend. Anyway, he lost service and hung up - typically he would have called me back and he didn’t and then ignored me for an hour I got upset and called him multiple times and texted him wondering what was going on. He then yelled at me and our conversation ended nicely and I ended up going to this fire to see him and he was acting very standoffish but then would snap back into being fine and then back to standoffish. Not him at all. We ended leaving, I slept at his place brought up my concerns we went to bed and it was fine. We then had a short conversation the next morning and he pulled the “I just want a stress free life card” again as if I’m the cause for all of the stress. I kindly told him that wasn’t fair to say and we were fine, kissed goodbye said I love yous I texted him shortly after and told him I loved him. He hardly talked to me all day and then when I asked if we were still going to the fair later he said “no I just want to be alone” I was very confused but just said I love him and he needs to get out of his head and that I’d be over to snuggle him later. He said he was tired and just wanted to be alone for the night. I instantly assumed he was feeling depressed and trusted that he just needed space and I told him I loved him and I’d check in later. Never heard from him. He ended up going out with friends when I thought he was at home being upset. We then ended up in the same spot and he was being very rude and didn’t want to really be around me. I can’t express how weird this was and how this is not his personality at all. He said he wasn’t breaking up with me just wanted to be alone and after being treated horribly all night and lied to I snapped and said “well maybe I’m breaking up with you” shouldn’t have said that but i didn’t mean it. Went home and balled my eyes out until I fell asleep. The next day he still wasn’t talking to me and I asked no for an explanation and he instantly latched onto what I had said he night before, that I broke up with him and he’s just done now. I think this was perfect for him because he now had something that he could use as a logical reason for his behavior. Idk. The next day I sent him a long text explaining my feelings towards his mean behavior but told him I know that’s not him and I will be here to support him through whatever he is going through.  We didn’t talk at all the next day and then I sent him texts saying I love him and he told me none of this is my fault, he’s done, he’s been unhappy for a long time. And then changed his status on FB. Would not pick up my phone calls. When he gets really upset he has gone as far as blocking my number and blocking me on everything. He has not done that. And I have no responded to his ridiculous break up text message and am quite honestly not taking this “breakip” as a Serb in stone decision. I don’t know what’s happening with him but I will love him through this from a far because regarldsss he is still my boyfriend, best friend, and love of my life. I don’t know if anyone has any advice or similar stories but I feel very lost. I want to blame myself for something so at least it would feel like I could understand why this was happening but I did not do anything to start this. It began at the setup of that car show for no reason caused by me. Please help me. This is killing me to give him space right now. I just want to help him through this despite what he said last night. 

[NiteKat]

Hi Jenny92

Thanks for connecting with SANE forums and opening about what youre experiencing right now. Hopefully you will get some feedback from members later who can help you process whats going through your mind and offer support. Its usually quiet overnight but please check in later

NiteKat (overnight moderator)

[SoSad]

Continue giving space. Work on yourself. Be the best person you can be. I was in a relationship that ended due to relationship anxiety. It turned into depression. It was a very loving, wonderful relationship and we never fought. I was left dangling for 5 weeks before I worked out, by something he said, that this was what happened. I still love him but he has to concentrate on getting better.

If you are fighting, maybe the space will be good for your relationship too.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jenny92

So sorry you are hurting so bad. Judging by your post - what you said was not a reason for his behaviour but a easy way to break up with you. Actions speak louder than words and his were pushing you away for whatever reasons he has - whether he does not want commitment, or his friends have gotten in his ear or so forth - he wants a clean break. The more you force yourself back on him, the more he will pull away.

The best move here is to give him space. And when your hurt subsides you will start to see that his behaviour towards you was not treating you like a best friend or the respect you deserve. That is not likely to change if we accept it. If he really cares about you he will come back, be truly sorry and treat you better. Time will tell.

Depression can make our moods change, not handle stress well, pereceive things wrongly, feel hopeless and make us lose motivation. But it is never an excuse to treat others badly or hurt others and inflict pain on them. People who care won't continually do that.

[Confused2]

Hi Jenni92

I’m going through a similar situation. I have been with my boyfriend just over 2 years. I have known he suffers from depression but a month ago he just completely changed on me and has never been this bad. I was giving him time but also texting every so often telling him I love him and hope he’s okay. For a short time I would get a text back although it wouldn’t be a proper conversation like we used to have. 2 weeks ago he told me that he was the end of our relationship, he still loved me but couldn’t see a future. The same night he told me that he wanted me to know that he didn’t want this to end but needed to sort himself out. The next day I text him and asked if he wanted to do something fun at the weekend and he said no, he appreciated that I care but he can’t at the mo even though he misses me. The week after my battery had gone on my phone as I said looking after my friends children as she had to go to the hospital. He didn’t know this as we haven’t been speaking. He rang me at 2am then again twice at around 6am. He text me saying not to text him again and he has met someone else. He blocked me then unblocked me to tell me to get a proper relationship and that he has realised our past year together has been a joke. I am blocked again and haven’t spoken since Monday. I am extremely upset, I just don’t get it at all. He also says that I won’t understand his depression but he shuts me out so how can I understand. If he is telling me the truth and seeing someone else I am dreading going to a bar etc and seeing the two of them together. It is all so confusing to me but I have been reading about depression and how men do find it harder to open up then women do. 

How is it going with you now?