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Something’s not right

BlueBay
Senior Contributor

It's time I disappear

I've been struggling for awhile and today is a really bad day. I'm emotional overwhelmed angry at my BPD. Not coping. Im having thoughts to disappear fir a while where no one will find me. 

I am so confused in my head. 

I am thinking my family will be better off without me. I am a bother to then. 

Pls tell me I'm wrong. Someone tell me to not do it. 

Ir seems wrong but my head is telling me very strongly to do it. 

Easilt psck a bag and go. 

Fragile is how I feel. 

97 REPLIES 97

Re: It's time I disappear

Hi there @BlueBay sounds like you are struggling today and we are glad you are reaching out for help. We value you as a member of the forums and your support of others has been highly commended. I have sent you an email to check in with you and would appreciate if you could check and respond to me please.

Kind Regards

Candycane

Re: It's time I disappear

Can someone pls tell me I'm making a mistake. I'm really struggling and need some support from my forum friends. I am crying because I feel so alone i know my decisions are irrational wrong dumb but I'm so fragile that I can't make a rational decision. I think I will speak with a counsellor on the help line here on Sane. @candycane 

I will get some more support from the counsellors. 

Re: It's time I disappear

Hi @BlueBay;

Candycane here, had a read of your post above and just wanted to highlight that we are not a crisis counselling service. As mentioned in the email i sent you please call Lifeline on 131114 for immediate support. 

Kind Regards;

Candycane

Re: It's time I disappear

@candycane

I wanted to chat eith one of your counsellors but don't worry. 

I'll chat online later with lifeline 

msybe I should delete this whole post altogether 

I know you're not a crisis service and I understand that . 

 

Re: It's time I disappear

@candycane

Is there a way to delete this post completely?

 

Re: It's time I disappear

Hello, BlueBay. 

So very sad that you feel that way. I do not know an answer but can tell you that I felt exactly the same many years ago. I knew that friends and family loved me but to ashamed to be around them all with my mood swings, physical pain, various issues the littlest thing set me into the stupid brain taking over my thoughts of everything. 

 

I did run away, lived in the bush on my own. No animals, no people that I could let down again.. then it got worse. Now 4 years fully away from most contact, I did end up getting lots of puppies to try to compensate, from rescue groups where they are unwanted (we had something in common). However....

 

I WAS WRONG, to do this, it is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder going back to society once you leave. As you may do sometimes for yourself, I did convince myself the world better off without me, my MI. The dogs are now my only reason to be here and can’t deal with people in public for more than an hour or so. Please know (and you do) that what we are not making the decision to run away. It is the silly bits of our brain.. this apparently can be moulded and changed. ?

 

If I had my time over again, I wish I never cut them all out. No going back to that world for me again ever. Way to hard and they have their own lives to live..

The price of peace and quite away from the world, I thought was worth it, away for everyone else that I could hurt by being this “new” version of me, protecting them. It wasn’t and didn’t. 😞 

 

Please make sure you chat with someone who knows what they are on about, not like my babble.. I feel bad for butting in here but felt like in my own way I can relate to some of your feelings. 

 

Please dont run, from what I have seen in the posts, you are VERY much loved by those people in here.. they will want to help you.

 

Please wait until you chat to lots of these people and the SANE people to help with your decisions.  That was a REALLY strong thing to reach out. wish I was that strong / brave at the start.. I know this won’t help, you with your decision and NOT trying to push my crap on you but you and the people here have made a huge difference in one day in my life.. 

You were a part of that. Read like 1000 pages of all your story’s and so many things ring true for myself.

sorry again for my 2 cents worth, but I did run AND really would do things VERY different if had over. How amazing that you reached out, the good bit of the brain still fighting inside.. 

 

 

Re: It's time I disappear

Thankyou @Missmylife for your reply. Didn't think anyone would reply or even have thoughts like me. 

Im sorry you did run away and left now on your own with your dogs. 

I just need time. Thankyou agsin. Much appreciated. Xxxooo

Re: It's time I disappear

Hi @BlueBay

I am really not sure how to delete posts, you may be able to from your profile. I will leave a note for the SANE admin team.

Good evening 

Candycane

Re: It's time I disappear

Sounds like you're a really vulnerable, raw place @BlueBay

It's a difficult place to be. I don't know that we'll, but I have BPD too, and it's a challenge every day, isn't it?

 

Do you really think you'd be better off without family? I'm sure they can see the great qualities you have, which you perhaps can't see when your minds in a negative cycle.

 

I'm really proud of your courage and honesty to post how you feel. That's not easy to do at all. Feeling fragile and not ok isn't necessarily wrong or bad. It's just the space you're in. But you matter just as much as anyone else, and you have important things to contribute here on the forums and I'm sure in real life.

 

BPD is not ALL of you. It doesn't define you nor will you always be this way. You are still you. You are all the values, characteristics, strengths you've always had, they're just a little harder to see right now.

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