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Something’s not right

Senior Contributor

I need some info to go forward to help grief healing

My mother died in a dementia unit August 28 this year at 82. I'm one of 4 sibling sisters. One of them is narcisistic and ruined our relationship with our mother for 3 of us sisters, we could not have a relationship with our mother so we not in her life for 8-9 years, it was that bad. That sister turned mum into more hate and bitterness and it was very very toxic. 


I am not dealing  with mothers death very well at all. I feel like ripping my sisters head off. She has such an entitled attitude and portrays saintly arrogance. She has such a dirty background.


I tried to talk to someone from the dementia unit the night before mother died. I felt already prejudiced by the nurse I was talking to. She said, I dont know you, you could be anyone, that felt personal.  I am not next of kin. This toxic sister and her daughter were. So by law the dementia unit dont need to tell me anything and its prolonging the kind of grief I am having. I need to know some things. According to my 'alzheimers' aunt my mum was fine the week before and now she is gone a week after. I am my mothers daughter, why wont they tell me the details of my mother. The next of kin who is required to let other siblings know is not doing that. I want no contact at all with her, she is a destroyer. I only found out about mum through 'alzheimer' affected aunt.


Is there anything I can do to know the details of my mother before she passed. When I get distracted in daily life. The reality of mothers death gives me a massive panic attack like its fresh all over. Its not sinking in.


Where is my first point of contact, I want to know about my mother. Did my sister authorise under the table euthanasia? I'll never know that last question for sure. Toxic sister's husband did say to my uncle, 'the *** of a ***** is still kicking'

Please advise how I can talk to someone about how my mother was before she passed, its consuming me.


Can I call the dementia unit and talk to sometime and ask for someone that is not biased because of narcisisitic sister?


Re: I need some info to go forward to help grief healing

Hi @Dark_Olena


I know about your despair about your mother and your "saintly, arrogant and toxic" sister and I get that - honestly you could be talking about my sister and my mother's affairs before and after death


This is a really horrible - I know - and you might never know the circumstances surrounding your mother's death - as I won't - though I don't think anything suspicious happened in my mother's case. But I know how torn up about all of this you are - or rather - I have an idea


But I don't know what you can do about it


It's still not three weeks since your mother died and of course you are over your head in grief and I know this is a complex grief and will take longer to resolve


You have the right to feel as you do - I would expect this to be very hard for you even under better circumstances but you are in a really bad place


Have your other sisters talked about this at all? If you are able to pool your resources then you might be able to find a way to learn something together


It's tough Olena - I know this - I wish I had something really constructive to tell you but alas - I had to just let it go for my own well-being - I saw a psychologist about it after my mother had died - 


One place you might get some help is Grief Line - you can call this up in your browser and it's based in Melbourne with one number for local calls and another for interstate calls - if you like I can find the numbers for you - I have found them helpful to talk to from time to time


I wish you the best - it's a really hard place you are in right now



Re: I need some info to go forward to help grief healing

Hi @Dark_Olena,


It sounds like you have been through a very painful ordeal. I can understand how not knowing the details surrounding your mothers death could be making it even harder to cope with.


I am with @Dec on this one in being unsure what you might be able to actually do to uncover those details. It does seem like it might be really helpful for you to keep sharing and talking about what you are going through, with both supportive loved ones and also perhaps a professional counselor or psychologist? 


Sometimes when thoughts are going round in circles, speaking to others can help to break the rumination cycle. It can also help to take the edge of the lonliness that is an inevitable part of losing somebody special.


I hope that this gets easier for you soon.


All the best,


Re: I need some info to go forward to help grief healing


My sister was similarly controlling and divisive, but my mother also contributed to that.  Around the time of her death I was very distressed and consumed by various family issues.

I asked to speak to a social worker attched to the unit.  She said her role was to help with grief responses of family.  There was also a sympathetic nurse who helped me. It usually is not only about NOK but for all legit family members.  I would report that comment, as once having established some contact, they ought to be mindful ...

The most important thing is to find a way of reconciling yourself to her passing, which respects YOUR relationship with her. Find a way to make sufficient peace.  I admit my mother was an extraordinary but very difficult woman.

SInce her death a few years ago, I have been much freer of her negative influences and been getting on with my life, at last less burdened.

I hope you find some peace too.

For urgent assistance, call:


Mental Illness Fellowship of Australia (NT), MIFA(NT) is a non-government organisation providing services for people living with a mental illness and their carer’s and families. 


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