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Kal
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How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Sorry - long post but it's late & I'm tired & stressed. I first wrote about my son 2 yrs ago when he was super depressed & wanting to just end it all. Since then he's had a couple of major successes (interspersed with lengthy periods of struggle). After much hard work (due to Bipolar 2, ADHD, Anxiety & Fibromyalgia) he completed the Cert IV in Mental Health & got a p/t job as lived experience peer support. My other sons & I were so pleased for him & he was really proud to finally be doing something to help others like him. 

However...a week ago he got a bipolar depression & it's completely shattered him. He's decided he can't help others as he's just as messed up, he doesn't feel like eating, goes to bed early, yells at noisy neighbours etc & is getting more & more depressed and his reactions could well result in him losing his job as he's still in probation period. Would be shattering for him. Keeps telling me he really needs to change or end things by the end of this year. 

I'm sorry about the ramble, Im hoping it helps to explain why I'm reacting the way I am when he's like this. Every time he tells me what's going wrong I've started to get a total brain freeze & can't think of what to say that won't make things worse, so I end up doing just that! It feels like a panic attack as I feel quite shaky, teary & vague (then once it all settles I get really sleepy). Because I've become hyper reactive I forget to "just listen & validate" & automatically offer suggestions to help "fix" things - I know, completely the wrong thing to do!. From then on it deteriorates with him telling me how disappointed he is in me as I'm his Mum & should know the right things to say, how & when to help ..........

I know it's the bipolar depression talking not his usual self, & I know I'm making it worse lately, but I just dont know what to do anymore. It doesn't help him at all if I keep getting upset as it's not about me, it's about him & I don't know how he copes with it all anyway. I feel like I've become a total failure as his mum & really wish my husband was still alive to help as I hate having to put too much of it onto my younger sons. They're great when needed but it doesn't feel right to overload them. 

I guess what I really need is ideas on how to overcome the panic reaction & just listen, especially when he's talking of wanting to end it all. It all feels so much harder after a cpl months of him feeling happy & repected, was a huge sadness when he still got depressed. It hit me as well as him that it could strike any time - just feels hopeless 😞

Add the fact that I'm trying to get my house fixed up & sorted out to sell & downsize later this year & my head wants to explode.

10 REPLIES 10

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Hi @Kal

(Trigger Warning)

I am sorry a response was not forthcoming sooner.

I can empathise as my daughter too suffers from bi-polar and borderline personality disorder due to sexual assault and an abusive ex. I know those feelings of panic and distress when our loved ones "lose it" - and the worry and turmoil it produces if they are talking about ending it all. My daughter had a near fatal attempt approx one year ago. And then there is the grief and trauma attached to that - a part of me nearly died along with her.

It is so hard to do this on our own. Please do contact Mental Health Carers Australia and seek out support for yourself to best deal help you deal with your situation. They can offer advice and suggest face to face support groups for Carers of the mentally ill in your local area. I believe having this support from others going through similar will prove invaluable for you to help you cope and not feel so alone in it. The latter is the worst part - apart from seeing our loved ones suffer.

Have you thought about seeking counselling for yourself to help you with how to best deal with your individual situation with your son? The stress of starting a new job for anyone, particularly in the probation period, is high, but particularly so for those who suffer mental disorders.

My daughter cannot handle certain high stress jobs because it increases her anxiety levels - so choosing a job that is not too demanding with very long hours is important to stay stable with this illness. A lot of people suffering MI have professional help to support them when starting new work positions. Does your son have these in place? Something also that Carers Australia may be able to advice and assist with, as well as Government agencies that deal with disability.

Is your son under the constant care of a psychiatrist and psychologist; opening up honestly to them about the struggle he is facing now? That is very important that he seeks to help himself and open up to professionals. It can't be all on you, one person.  Don't feel guilty to ask for help from your younger sons occasionally and/or support groups when urgent lest you burn out and go down too. 

Please don't be too hard on yourself. No one can do or say the right thing all the time. All we can do is our best to support and love them. And to pick up the pieces. Keep letting your son know how much you love him and that you are there to listen to him whenever he needs to talk. I tell my daughter that the main thing with work is that she tries her best, and regardless of the outcome when we do that we have succeeded - and to never give up when life obstacles present themselves as there is always hope.

 

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Its great you and your son have had some successes.

I am in a similar situation with 25 yo son with BP1.

Its soooo hard to hear a child in that state of mind. I try not to get effected but we love them, so we are.  Yesterday I also had a conversation about being in the car and picking up each others feeling states.  

Its kind of paradoxical in that we cant let the feelings make us panic and make things worse.  SO mostly I try and distance from it and reassure myself, with talk about how interconnected we all are.

@Former-Member made some good points.

Get support. When you are a single mum its even more to carry.

 

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Thanks for your comments & advice. Bipolar & BPD would be a very difficult combination for you & your daughter to deal with. 

I'll definitely follow your suggestion & contact Mental Health Carers on Monday to see what support groups & help might be available. I did see a counsellor last year & it was helpful up to a point, but I think my situation was outside her expertise. Walking, eating right & mindfulness etc are helpful but they don't prevent that awful adrenaline spike which leaves me shaky & then tired (when it finally drops). I know my son's had to deal with it for years but it's a new thing for me. Hopefully your suggestions will help me find someone who can help me deal with it.

I think my son started his job on a wonderful BP2 high & being exceptionally intelligent, would have sounded like he was able to handle things. He did really well initially but his 2nd client is a very difficult one & had a few issues which triggered my son. In a good mood he loves that he's able to help, but in a depressed mood, he's second-guessing himself & not liking what he thinks he sees in himself. He sees a psychiatrist a couple of times a year but he's very expensive so he tries not to go too often. He did find a psychologist he got on well with but the subsidised visits ran out & he hasn't been back. He said he's tired of talking to people & never getting better! 

I really appreciate your suggestions & will give them a try. Your supportive comments are invaluable too as it reminds me I'm not alone. Thank you

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Thank you so much for your comments, they're really appreciated. I was definitely feeling a bit isolated with it all this time round.

Your comment about making the panicky feeling worse by needing to act calm is so true but I hadn't really thought it through before. I'll have to see if I can use that to help prevent the adrenalin rush next time.

I'm going to follow through with @Former-Member's suggestions - it was a really helpful & reassuring message.

 

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Similar boat to your kid. My family clearly worries about saying the "wrong" thing to me as well. But there isn't anything to say. It's personal (not meaning private, but unrelateable). If it was easy to just talk it out, if we knew what was wrong, we'd simply do so. It can change each time, the triggers, the nuances. 

The only thing I can offer is that I don't try to avoid being depressed anymore. I just know it happens and now, finally, function during it. I'm aware that I'll be going through phases, and don't dread the other phase anymore. I don't shame myself, and try to enjoy my human-ness at venting my emotions. I don't view emotions as negative, only how we act on them, and give myself and others space to make mistakes--it's difficult but it's only a moment. Yell one moment, get it out, and then move on with that depression. Concentrate on the REST of the moments where we are fine. Don't be alarmed just because it seems negative, as that makes needless pressure for "feeling wrong". Naw, he feels how he needs to feel, and just needs to know he can express it, live during it, and speak to others who "get him" and won't react. We know each other best, and help each other the best. 

Burnout happened in the past from forcing myself through it. I'd concentrate on reasons to soldier on. Now, I don't concentrate on those reasons anymore. Removed the possibility of failure and resulting escalation of depression from that. He needs to not do things "cause he has to", but because he has something to do that he'll vaguely want to do. His depression is HELPFUL for relating to others, and his "messed up" portition is the ONLY part of him that can speak equally to people like myself. My doctors are too full of themselves in happy lives to understand. The only help that REALLY worked was us talking to each other. Remind him of that--he is needed during his lows as much as his highs--makes him relatable when I'm in either of mine. 

It seems like this job might be the one that can help him, as much as he helps others, because of the relatablity. If need be, he can explain himself to get a second chance. His job might have struggles on bad days, but he's also valid on those bad days to help. 

As family, you might not be able to relate being too close and defaulting into a parent mode that puts him into a "judged" mode. Family can't help but judge, for their reasons at attempting to help--with niceities or tough love. We try everything, cause it works sometimes, and other times fails. Offer to be company, or have his siblings just relax with him, no talking, just listening or enjoying something together. That's it. Just spend time doing TV or movies or dinner, and have him be allowed to be depressed for it. It's okay. If he has friends like us (the depressed), then hang with them. You don't need to "fix" anything. To cheer him up. Just allow him to be in his emotions--and not expect any change for your actions--that comes later when you aren't around to see it.

I'd like to point out, and maybe he needs to know this, but we can experience other emotions, like joy, while being completely depressed. We dread leaving that moment and entering back into just "depressed", so anxiety and more depression can build without us knowing why. But once you do it a few times through a day, you get used to it, and depression has no hold anymore, just a hurdle of resources. 

He might be expecting to "change". You might be expecting that as well. That something will take away that mood and replace it with a better one. Or some string of words or actions might cause that. Instead, expect the depression. Feel it, know nothing is wrong for feeling it, nothing is "supposed" to be a different way, and he's okay for being like that. He knows he's capable during any other moment, and he's learning he's still capable during that one too. All of society though taught us to "not feel that way", and they all act funny when we are noticably depressed. Tell him, f-off about society's expecations. He's fine messed up. We just take A LONG TIME until we understand it for ourselves and help each other get there too. Once it clicks a few more times, those epiphanies to come, he'll feel not so messed up and more gifted. All that "feeling" ends up a pretty great tool when we aren't bogged down anymore by any emotion--and he can get there AND share with his job. 

I'm in America, but if he needs to talk to a stranger (that is helpful more than people who know us at times) I'm available. 

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Hi @Kal
How are you going?

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Hi @Hsinimod

Thank you so much for your comments & for being so open about your own battles. You've put into words exactly how it is for my son, but in a way I can relate to and work with. I'd like to copy your comments to my other sons too if that's alright with you? I think they'll find it more relatable than the information I occasionally email them as it really does seem like a peek into his life.

There's been several times when he's tried to tell me similar things but unfortunately it's always when things aren't going well for him & we've started arguing again. It's easier to take on board your comments because there's no emotional trigger for me, so I'm going to read your post many times I suspect 🙂  Thank you also for the offer to chat with him if he wants.

 

 

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Hi @Former-Member

I'm doing better this week thanks. My son's emerging from his latest depression so is less intense. This in turn has given my stress a chance to subside 🙂

My doctor gave me a referral to a good counsellor who's put me onto a great little mindfulness app called Smiling Mind. She was also able to put into words a way for me to quieten all the "noise" in my mind caused by the increasing panic moments. Logically I knew things may never happen, but my brain had gone into overdrive. Her words were to "stop listening to the stories your mind tells you about [my son]". I don't know why, but it seems to have helped as I can more easily put it in context. A good friend tells me I'm looking a lot better too - apparently I looked very pale before!

What I need to do now is to work out how I'm going to deal with it next time it happens. There's  been some really helpful advice from people for which I'm extremely grateful. This is an amazing support network and to get feedback on ways to handle it from both family members and someone with the lived experience is invaluable.

Re: How do I stop panicking when adult son is in Bipolar depressed state

Feel free to give your kids whatever printout you like. Whatever helps the family.  😃

I'd like to add, some of us are more positively inclined people who focus on "actualizing" our futures. Much of society seems to "push" that as the default way to live--as if it's the only way. They say, "ignore the negatives" "don't sweat the small stuff" "concentrate on what's good in your life" "envision your future happily and work towards that". Obvious stuff, right?

Well, that works for the people already living like that. It helps them overcome their hurdles. They have the momentum.

When you're already down, tricking yourself into positive thinking "may" help. It works for some, so they think it works for all, all the time. No. At times, positive thinking is being delusional about what is happening, ignoring the problems needing to be addressed, and having us downplay what is happening, so we get closer to the edge being so damn positive before realizing we're at the edge. It's sometimes being blind, and us depressed people "know" it, without understanding those thoughts explicitly. It's our subtle knowledge.

The rest of us aren't the positively inclined, at least, not always.

We might be realists, in the middle. We call it as we see it. We can see the good, the bad, and that real view allows us to accept the world as it is, the events, and not trick ourselves into "having" to feel a certain way about it. Not display ourselves in the emotions socially accepted for others to be comfortable. We can feel our emotions, and not be ruled by them. The great ones and the not so great feeling ones.

When it starts to click, you finally wake up depressed one morning and can smile, laugh, and just enjoy the ridiculousness of having that feeling AGAIN, like nostalgia, but feel normal as well. You have happiness too. Tiredness. Motivation. That depression. And laugh it off, sincerely. And you live okay through the day and never notice when it fades out. You just realize, "huh, I haven't been depressed for a while now and didn't notice." The guilt and failure of feeling depressed, like it was your job to fight it, vanishes. Instead, you have it for whatever reason, plus your full range of other emotions. It can make you vulnerable in an approachable way, sexy even, and be an odd turnaround to use as a positive emotion. Depression is valid for more than one reason, and we need to relearn that. It's our environmental cue, and our history.

We focus on the negatives to avoid them, tackle them, or to respond to our environment. It is like PTSD with triggers. We shut down emotionally and behaviorally to avoid that pain, but that causes different pain from the lives we aren't living. We feel like we cannot control aspects of our lives (we can't for some), but we can avoid at least the type of pain it causes by avoiding the situations completely, and "choose" our own pain--the lesser pain of being bedridden. It's not that explicit in our heads though. Depression is the instinct and "bad" habits we learned to cope. It was a good habit for coping in appropriate circumstances, to recover and heal, but we end up falling into that tool use more than other psych tools, so we get lost in the moments/cycle, unsure "why".

If you are a negative person, focusing on those aspects in life, you need to develop the critical thinking tool of analysis. Criticize yourself, not put yourself down. The difference is, you take as many steps back to look at the situation from MANY new perspectives. It takes time to learn. You look at your habits and realize your pattern. Accept it, and accept your future as having that pattern as well--but now you can direct yourself better through it. Not fight against it, or "positive think" yourself into a lie that it won't happen again--if you do that, you feel like you "fail" just for feeling sad again. Try looking at yourself from a different person's view point. A person that would insult you, a person that would complement you, a person that admires you. It helps you see that your personal stuff has different multiple layers, and you can better accept yourself.



By being critical, you "blame" the correct things in your life, but with understanding, not resentment. You develop another psych tool to cope. The avoidance became habitual to a point of causing depression. Cool, now you relearn to use “depression” appropriately again and add new tools as well. Depression can have us take time to rest while also plan to move forward to fix the issues in ourselves or life.

You need to feel comfortable being "negative" and not being a bad person for it. We wrongly get taught that negativity is bad. It’s not, only our actions from negativity. You can "blame" yourself for your faults, other people for their actions to you, how society leads people into the cracks and forgets them--but instead of feeling guilty for doing so, just accept that is how you feel and there is truth there. Accept you can be overly blaming and in the wrong as well, at the same time, but give yourself that, because you are aware and just need to work through it.

Add to that, by understanding the situations you were in and be critical of them. Allow yourself that. Allow yourself to understand the other people that you blame, they are partly guilty and partly innocent too. We all make mistakes and only learn in hindsight.

It's okay to not "know" what is at "fault" since we are not islands--we all interact and influence each other through micro-actions that pool into larger feelings. We forget the original "source" since there never was just "one" but a few reasons. It's normal to have no understanding "why" we feel that way, since it's now habit and the original actions (possibly never "big" enough to register with us) were in our past, dealt with, and we forgot about them--but still carry pooled baggage, unaware, into how we view new events. We trigger our depression in a new event, without recognizing why. It can be a "happy" event even. It's habit we can't control, like PTSD.

Remember that positivity can work, but it can also distract us into ignoring issues with rose colored glasses. Realism can be depressing if we are stuck in a cycle without a recent period of relief, but realism can relieve if we are matter of fact about situations and dropping our expectations of success and failure. We are okay on down days, and we just need to remember that, not pressure ourselves to an imaginary standard handed to us by an expectant society. That society isn’t healthy, so why conform to its ridiculous standards of how we should be feeling, succeeding, comparing, competing, etc. Don’t bother, and instead live relaxed. Negativity can be positive when you allow yourself to be angry but not reactionary, depressed but not shamed, and critical of the broken world around us to make it better, for our own environment or our own self.

People exist that "see" the real us, through the pain, and see the needs we have that we can't in ourselves. They look at our "weaknesses" as strengths. We can make them so. The struggle gives us insights. We can't appreciate our gifts being miserable, but we can during our recovery periods. There is nothing wrong with being soft, emotional, or not a stereotypical society member. I personally am an army "though" guy that cries in public, can't hurt bugs, and YELLS and lectures people who violate their positions of responsibility--like lawyers, law enforcement, and social workers (been dealing with the lack of resources for a schizophrenic friend, so I been laying into a lot of folks lately, with all my emotions showing, and getting my way--needs to be done when they drop the ball, and our "weakness" can be very strong).

After all this, I just want him to know, he doesn’t “need” to do anything since there is no real standard he needs to live up to. He learned from the world to expect from himself a 100% success rate if he just “tried”. That’s not real. We all try. We all go above and beyond even, until we get burned out, guilt ridden for seeing others succeed while we struggle, and ignore our actual successes. We don’t appreciate what we ARE learning, since we never chose to learn that. Life side tracked us from our expectations. People can’t know our personal life, society teaches us not to share negativity too much, we bottle it up, and it creates impossible expectations. He only needs to rest, find us type of friends that don’t get phased by depressed friends, and be okay with himself for feeling terrible—nothing is wrong with that. I avoid friends to not depress them when I’m depressed but I have some that are not phased by it. I myself am not phased by depressed people having lived through it myself. He might find that he has a new social circle to discover, that is unique to us. Depressed people complaining about everything and we laugh at how it’d sound to outsiders to hear such “unacceptable” whining. It’s venting for us, connecting, sharing, relating, and realizing it’s not a big deal. We already know positivity, and that didn’t work, so embrace more choices and allow those feelings.  

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