Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

I know people have this image that suicidal people are depressed and that's the reason why they suicide, but for me it's just sheer furious self-hate.  I'm not depressed, I just hate me, enough that I want to suicide.  Hell, I don't even bother self-harming anymore cause if you're going to be dead anyway, why bother with the pain.  No, I'm not going to suicide tonight.  Just pissed off with the world which says I am not allowed to suicide.  Pissed off with my therapist who insists on my hanging on.  I'm fat, that's all that matters to me.  I'm a lazy, fat, stupid, pos and I don't want to live feeling like this anymore.  I give up, no one's listening, if they did, they would be helping me euthanaze myself.  Sitting with me so I don't die alone.  

[TheVorticon]

I just wanted to reply to you here @Lemonjuice, because even though our situations are different I have a similar link between self-directed anger and suicidal thoughts.
Although it's not entirely the same, you're not alone in this experience.
I hope you get a break from the anger and hurting, even if it's just for long enough to see that there is another part of life that might have something good in it.

[Hope4me]

Hey @Lemonjuice and shout-out to @TheVorticon

I hear you; been there...

I'm wondering why you chose to write on here about your thoughts. Do you want someone to talk with or maybe just yell the words?

I started using forums to say what I needed to say to someone else; to be heard, acknowledged and validated. I got exactly that and 3 yrs down the track, I'm still writing.

Excessive anger can be a form of depression unfortunately. It's just expressing things differently, less socially acceptable mind you, but extremely relevant all the same.

With the fat thing; I hear you. I'm there too. If you want to yell at someone, I'm here for you ok. Just sayin'...

Take care;

Hope  

[Lemonjuice]

Thank you for replying @TheVorticon. I saw my therapist yesterday, he helped bring me round a bit, feeling more positive.

[Lemonjuice]

@Hope4me, thanks for your response, I saw my therapist yesterday, he insists on my getting better...fool.😉 Feeling better.

[utopia]

@Lemonjuice- anger can be a big part of depression. Depression is likened to fear.  Same with anxiety.  Anger is 100% fear.  It's  normal to feel anger - but it's  when that anger becomes self destructive that it's a  major problem.  Something to talk over with your psychiatrist or psychologist. 

I was struggling  with anger up until about a month ago.  Self anger and anger  directed at every person,  organisation and comments made on the news. 

This wasn't like me. I'd  been  telling  my psychiatrist for months that I was highly irritable and would snap for no good reason.  But it wasn't until I was in hospital (suicide attempt ) that he could see what I had been  saying.  He immediately  reduced my anti depressants saying they were at toxic levels and then also out me on a mood stabiliser.  The anger went.  The irritation went.  Even the depression  went. 

So let them know  what's  happening  for you .

[Hope4me]

That's great to hear @Lemonjuice!

@utopia has provided some good advice. Think I might take a page from her book actually.

Hope 

[utopia]

Good luck  @Hope4me