Lived Experience Forum

[Floyd-Strummer]

Hello,

I am a 17 year old living in Sydney. For starters, I'm not even entirely sure if I have OCD; I regularly see a government-funded psychologist (people below the age of 25 are able to get these in New South Wales through an organisation called Headspace) and she believes - from what I've told her about myself- that I show signs of mild to moderate depression, anxiety, worry and OC quirks, not a full-blown obsessive-compulsive disorder. We haven't done any 'official' diagnosing process though, some I'm not sure if her saying I have depression is a valid statement to some (though I think it is, since I've been feeling in a rut for about a year and a half).

Anyways, to the problem that brought me here; the last time I've seen my psychologist was the first time I'd opened up about my 'OC quirks' (I'd seen her previously a couple of times before). Thing is though, I didn't tell her everything. 

I told her how sometimes when I see a potentially lethal object, I feel like could pick it up and hurt myself with it. I told her about how it bothers me when things are not a certain way, such as when checker pieces are not in the centre of their squares or when one light switch in a triplet of switches is not facing the same direction as the others. Since I'd told my psychologist this, she told me to keep an eye on them and see if anything changes.

However, I didn't tell my psychologist other 'quirks' that I have. For example, I did not tell her about intrusive, unwanted thoughts I have experienced in the past. This includes inappropriate, obscene and sexual thoughts that the very thought of me thinking them feels me with digust (the earliest instance I can recall of me having such thoughts is when I was ten years old), as well as thoughts of acting violent to people around me whenever I'm around certain objects, or in a certain situation where I may be able to hurt someone. These thoughts especially fill me with dread, because the less I try to think about them, the more they invade my mind, deluding me into thinking that I could actually hurt someone. 

But the main thing that weighs on my mind that I didn't tell my psychologist are these thoughts I have directed towards someone. Recently on YouTube, I had discovered a girl who is my age that creates the kind of music I like. I started to listen to her and her band and follow her on social media platforms. After a while, I began to think she was the most beautiful girl in the world. It has been months since I was first encountered her video in YouTube, and I'm now completely obsessed with her. I fantasise about her in a sexual way, I plan our 'future' together, think about the activities we would do... just writing it now fills me with shame. I try to get my brain to stop thinking and stop crushing on her. But my mind will always find a way to somehow drift back to her, and it's driving me mad. I'm reluctant to unfollow her on social media and stop listening to her music, because I'm a genuine fan of what she does. But thoughts of her always come back to me in different ways, from playing the guitar (the instrument she plays) to listening to a song. Sometimes when I wake up, she is the first thing I think of for no reason, and it drives me bonkers!

So now, I ask you, kind people of this forum, what do you think of my situation? Are the traits I show some form of OCD, and if it is, how do I better control these invasive thoughts? What about the thoughts of the crush I have on that girl that come back to me 90% of the day and prevent me from concentrating? Also, should I ask her to be given a decisive diagnosis on my assumed depression and anxiety, or does the fact that she sees the symptoms in me after I told her my experiences make it conclusive that I probably do have these illnesses? 

And probably the most important question, should I tell my psychologist about all these other characteristics I show? I didn't tell her last time because I was too scared and embarrassed about what she would think, and even writing them here has caused me some distress. But I feel like if I do tell, she could definitely help me, maybe with some therapy techniques? Also, I won't be able to see my psychologist for quite some time, so that could potentially be a problem.

I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this wall of text. I apologise for its size, I just need to get it out of my system. If anyone needs any clarifcation on anything, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to respond. 

Thanks to all in advance for any help or advice that is given 🙂

[Ellu]

Dear Floyd-Strummer,

It sounds as if you are going through a particularly difficult  period right now. It is confusing, because some of the things you mention are normal in adolescence, such as having crushes on people (although it sounds as your crush is dominating your life and causing you anxiety). Although I am not a doctor, to me it certainly sounds as if you are experiencing some symptoms of OCD. You must be frank and honest with your psychologist,,,otherwise there is no point talking to her.Don't feel embarrased about talking about your innermost feelings - psychologists are trained professionals and can offer you some of the help and advice you need.

A psychologist is not a medical doctor, and is therefore not able to definitely diagnose depression, OCD or anxiety. To get a definite diagnosis you need to see a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor as well as a counsellor, and can help you sort out just what your problems are and give you advice on how to deal with them. A psychiatrist is also able to prescribe medication if it is appropriate. If your diagnosis warrants it then don't be afraid of medication. It can be a great relief to people genuinely suffering from the problems you describe.

Do you have access to a psychiatrist? You could ask your psychologist to recommend someone.. If she has your best interests at heart she will not mind you getting a second opinion. Otherwise a GP can refer you to a psychiatrist. In some states you can get access to a certain number of psychiatric consultations for free - ask your psychologist or GP.

Let's find out exactly what your issues are and get some professional help. You do not have to deal with these things alone - many young people experience symptoms of OCD and anxiety, and what you need is professional support to help you get through what must be a terrible time. You are not alone, there is help available, it is up to you to reach out and ask for help.

I have bi-polar disorder, and I had my first episode when I was 15, so I know what it is like dealing with adolescence as well as mental health issues. I am thinking of you,

Ellu

[Floyd-Strummer]

Dear Ellu,

Thank you for your reply. Next time I see my psychologist, I'll be open with her and do my best to ignore that little voice in my brain telling me I'm embarrassing myself. I'm not sure if psychiatrists are free in Australia, so I'll ask her about them as well. If they aren't, then I'll really be stuck in a rut, because I don't think my parents would be willing to pay for a psychiatrist 😞

As I said before, it'll be some time before I see her again, and these thoughts are eating away at me again. Anybody have advice at how to control it better?

[Ellu]

Dear Floyd-Stummer,

You really have a difficult period coming up with all the Christmas stuff and not being able to see your psychologist for a while. You are going to have to draw on your courage to get through the hard times, and I will tell you a few things which have helped me. First, keep busy. You don't want to be sitting around worrying about your situation and feeling worse and worse. Every morning make a list of things to do - normal things you would do around the house as well as things like going out for a coffee. Rely on your friends. Ask them if they would like to do something with you or just get together and hang out. Each day make sure that you have things to do- keeping busy will help keep your mind off your problems and make the time pass faster. If you can't think of anything to do then go and see a movie by yourself. By keeping busy you will keep control of your day and hopefully help control some of your symptoms.

Another thing - write things down. When you are feeling distressed or overwhelmed by your symptoms then sit down and write out exactly how you are feeling and what is going on in your mind. You will be surprised how much better you feel after "unloading" your issues onto a piece of paper. Don't throw away the piece of paper - save it to show your psychologist so she can have a better understanding of what is going on with you.

Psychiatrists are not free in Australia, but you do get a Medicare rebate. Ask your psychologist or GP about any way you can access psychiatric help for free.Don't underestimate your GP. While your psychologist is away you may feel the need to talk to someone about your issues - most GPs nowdays have an understanding of mental health issues and can at least talk you through your issues. And don't forget the helplines - both beyondblue and SANE have helplines you can ring to talk to someone when you feel the need to talk.

And don't forget this forum. It is a good way of meeting people in the same situation and talking over your feelings and ideas

Above all, don't bottle it all up inside. That will only make things worse. Talk to people (your GP, the helplines, the forum) and express what you are feeling.A problem shared is a problem halved.

Don't think about how long it is until you see your psychologist, concentrate on getting through each day day by day. And don't forget if things get really bad you can always ring Lifeline. They are highly experienced professionals and can support you when you need it most.

I find it strange that your parents won't pay for you to see a psychiatrist. Do you know that for sure? I don't know exactly how much it is with the Medicare rebate, but maybe you need to be more open with them and explain your situation. I know I would never let any child of mine struggle alone. It is a good investment if it can get your symptoms under control and help you lead a happier life.

So at the moment you are in survival mode - you have to do what you can to keep on top of your issues until you can get back to your psychologist and hopefully a psychiatrist. Maybe some other members of the forums have some suggestions for you, but whatever happens don't give up hope.

Ellu

[Floyd-Strummer]

Thanks again for the reply Ellu,

Sometimes, I feel like there is some force out there that put me in the worst circumstances possible tonne on the road of recovery. While I do feel better than I did months ago, there's still a long way to go before I've overcome this.

Here's some elaboration on what I said about the 'circumstances'. My family has very little understanding of mental illness, and don't really push themselves to learn more. Because of this, I sometimes feel like I'm being judged by them for what I'm going through. I feel this especially when my dad comes with me to Headspace; the tone and voice and general demeanour screams to me that he's a little annoyed at the whole situation, which makes me feel guilty and wonder 'what is wrong with me?' My parents ask Headspace frequently if it all goes towards Medicare, ensuring if it's free, so I don't think they'd be willing to pay for a psychiatrist... 😞 Also, my family isn't in the best financial situation, so I don't wanna be a huge burden on them.

Going on about my family, we've never really been open about our feelings. I feel like the five of us lack the communication that is needed for an effective family unit. Cause of this, I tend to bottle my emotions, from everyone. Family, friends, also seen in the way I don't tell my psychologist everything... I'm afraid of being judged, especially with my family's limited knowledge of mental illness. This inability to express what I'm feeling has made me feel isolated, like a wall is breaking me off from the rest of society...

In short, I feel like I've been set up to lose. That won't stop me from fighting, but they always make me question my chances of winning...

How can I see psychiatrist with the little understanding my family has on mental illnesses, as well as our not-so-great economic position. Also, how do I learn to open up to people?

[Ellu]

Dear Floyd-Strummer,

It must be very difficult dealing with mental health issues without the support of your family. I understand it must feel as if you are up against a brick wall. It is hard enough trying to cope without getting mixed mesages from your father and members of your family. Do you have an older brother or sister, someone you could take into your confidence and discuss how you feel? What about another adult in your life? Is there  a relative or school counsellor you would feel comfortable talking to? I know the thought of trying to talk to someone must feel overwhelming, but it is the only way forward. What is the worst that could happen? Reach out to someone and see.

The best way to learn to open up to other people is to first practise opening up to yourself. I have said it before, but start by trying to write down your feelings and thoughts, including those you find hard revealing to other people. Write down everything - it doesn't have to be an essay, it can be just a series of notes. You will be surprised how writing things down will help you get them off your chest. And writing things down and understanding yourself better will make it easier to communicate your thoughts to other people. By that of course I mean people you can trust. 

Are your family generally kind and tolerant people? If so, you could write them a letter, explaining what you are going through and how hard you are trying to cope with your issues. Sometimes it is easier writing to someone than trying to talk to them. Make sure that you are open and honest and explain exactly what is going on. It may not work, but it is worth a try.

Talk to Headspace and ask them about support groups for people in your situation. If you can meet other people to talk to you can make new friendships and not feel that you are being "judged".

As for being "judged", think about all the good things about yourself, your good qualities as a person, the things you have achieved, your courage in coping with mental health issues, and tell yourself that anyone who wants to judge you can go f***k themselves!

I don't know anything about the mental health system in New South Wales (can any other member of the forum help?), so  you will have to ask your psychologist or GP about how you can access a psychiatrist.There must be a way.

Listen Floyd-Strummer, don't give up on yourself! Remember that you are a valuable unique human being, and don't give up the fight. But you do have to start opening up to people and letting them know what you are going through and what is on your mind. Practise by writing your thoughts down, then reach out to someone you can trust and open a conversation. I know how hard it is, I went through it all when I was 15, but you have to keep trying. And don't forget the SANE and beyondblue helplines if you just want to talk to someone. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who understands, especially if you are feeling down. You can do it.

Ellu

[Purplefairy]

Dear Floyd-Strummer, in my experience if you were to go to your doctor (gp) and explain what has been happening the doctor can then fill out a form called a mental health plan including an assessment called a K-10 and another called an enhanced primary care (aka an EPC). These forms entitle you to 5 free visits per calender year to different specialists such as a psychologist, a psychiatrist, sometimes even a counsellor or social worker. I had one earlier this year in NSW. I think if u googled the names of these forms u could find more information. I hope ive helped, Purplefairy

[Herbie]

Hi I'm really really struggling . My father in-law Morrie passed away on Nov 16 I can't get into the Christmas party/sprit at all. I'm supporting my mother in-law.

[Ellu]

Dear Herbie,

This must be a nightmare time of year for you. Not only are you dealing with your grief and supporting your mother in-law but everyone around you is going nuts over Christmas fever and everyone is supposed to be happy and jolly. Wherever you look around you, at the decorations in the streets and the carols piped into shopping malls and supermarkets, contrasting with the sorrow you are feeling. Of course you are not interested in parties and Christmas.

You do not say what your family situation is like. Are there children in the family? If so I guess you will have to put on some sort of show for them, but keep it simple and just do the basics. If there are only adults involved, why don't you skip Christmas altogether? Just gather close family together for a quiet lunch or dinner to remember your father in-law. It will still be an opportunity for the family to gather together, but without the pressure of having to put on a show.

How is your mother in-law coping? If she is struggling, it might be an idea for her to talk to a Grief Counsellor. Your GP can give you the name of someone. 

Supporting someone who is grieving is really hard, because basically there is nothing much you can do. The important thing is to make sure your mother in-law knows you are there for her, and you are there for her to lean on when another bout of grief strikes. All you can do is listen to her talk and be there so that she doesn't feel totally alone.

You have to look after yourself in all this too. If you are spending a lot of time supporting your mother in-law then you have to take breaks from time to time in order to look after yourself. Go somewhere or do something you really enjoy for a while - get right away from the grief thing for a while so that you can replenish your energy.

Try to keep your life simple, and don't get caught up in all the holiday hype. Enjoy your family around you, but don't make a fuss or expect it to be like a normal year. Just take it day by day and don't forget to give thanks for the life of Morrie who can't be with you this year.

Ellu