Lived Experience Forum

[Kitten]

Hello all,

i was was wondering if anyone has some advise in regards to stepkids.

my partners kids are coming for school holiday. I have meet his sons before twice for school holidays one is 10 and the other 15. I haven’t meet his daughter 16 yet but she is coming this time. They live interstate.

My partner has shown me some messages from his ex saying that the boys don’t like me and that his daughter is prepared to put me in my place when she comes down and won’t put up with my crap. 

I eas very careful not to be affectionate in front of the boys. And also my partner slept in the lounge with the boys in their first trip down. 

I am really shattered to think they don’t like me and am very worried and nervous. I also have put in a lot of time in planning activities for us when they are here. I am also making sure they get plenty of time just with Dad. Not that they are aware of this but I am paying for a lot of this. 

We we had planned  3 nights away just us and the kids as I live with my mum and sister. I am thinking i shouldn’t go. He only see them twice a year. 

Has anyone one got any advise for me? I do want just to be a friend to them. 😿

[greenpea]

@Kitten Hi Kitten I don't have step children I do have 3 kidults 27,25 and 23 and just wanted to wish you well on this as from what you have said you have gone to a heap of trouble to make it special for them and their dad (your partner). You sounds like a very nice and kind person I really hope it works well but don't be surprised they give you a few up and down moments particularly the 16 year old daughter .... it is an awful age. 

Try to enjoy the roller coaster ride and remember they will be going back to mum so it wont last too long 🙂

[Teej]

Hi @Kitten, 

your post resonated with me for a few reasons. I have kids (now young adults)  that used to fly to their dad twice a year. The step game is blooming hard all round. 

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job of priorities and accounting for their needs. My advice is not to make it a battle for anything. As @greenpea said the two teenagers especially are at an age where pushing boundaries is what they do. Just quietly I think your partners ex is playing a few mind games too. It happens so much. It’s all about insecurities and it’s such a minefield for everyone. 

It sounds like you have a really good understanding of what is important. For me personally I think you have balanced it well.  I think the kids should get to know you and it’s ok that they spent a little time doing that. I also see that if it will affect your mental health it’s something to consider too. You need to look after you too. 

I think that you have the main things covered. Try not to be their mum and make sure they have plenty of dad time. It will be hard. I think it might help to get some responses under your belt too. Anytime they try to talk about how the other parent does something better or the like it’s probably best to have a line that you can repeat like "that’s a good way your mum does it, I do it this way because it suits me". I think it’s really hard. My ex partner could not cope very well when the kids talked about their dad. He took it very personally. As their mother I could see that they are just making sense of their world for much of it. Sometimes the teenage stuff is about pushing boundaries though too. 

Wishing you the best of luck. Don’t forget to do lots of self care. I wasn’t a step parent but I saw it first hand. By the way I would never have sent those texts to my ex husband either. I think that wasn’t fair on you or your partner or the kids. It feels a little underhanded but I also know it happens a lot. 💜🤗

[Queenie]

Being a step parent.... I take my hat off to you @Kitten. I'm in the same situation myself. I know you are trying to be a friend to the children. I try to do the same thing with my Mrs' kids. At first they didn't like me, but I persevered with them without being pushy. Eventually they came around bit by bit. I honestly don't know what they think of me, but I'd like to think my relationship with them is friendly. We take them on holidays and I buy them gifts for their birthdays and Christmas. I think the best piece of advice I can give you is try not to have too high an expectation of your relationship with them as you could be let down when things don't happen as you had hoped. Also, be patient with them, they might just come around. 

[Kitten]

Thank you for the lovely message @greenpea 

[greenpea]

@Kitten I think you are a lovely person Kitten from what I have read of your posts. I really hope it goes well for you xxx

[Kitten]

@Teej

Thank you for writing so much to me. 

Really appreciate it. 

[Kitten]

Very wise words @Queenie.

sounds like your doing a great job. 

[Margot]

Hi @Kitten

It's Margot here, one of the Community Managers 🐼

Just a heads up that I've just moved your post over here, as I reckon it might fit a little better in this space. I hope it helps you to connect you with a bit more support.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Kitten

The Stepfamily Association put out a book.

I would lower your expectations and shake off comments like water off a duck'e back. Dont pay too much money until they have earned some respect.  Lead with respect and encourage same attitude from them, rather than purchased activities. 

I am an ex step-mother. It does not actually mean I have failed as I did do all the caring work 24/7 for 16 years. Step moms get bad press, so we are behind the 8 ball.

Now I look at my situation with ex and say.  She is alive and well and has overly high self esteem, almost gets away with murder ...