Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Since my childhood abuse memories came out 8 yrs ago I have pretended to family that I'm ok.  Thst everything will be alright. Thst I'm strong and am coping. I'm working so thst means I'm strong. I've grown up a family of 3 children. 

BUT the point is - I'm pretending that all this is true. 

I'm not strong I'm not coping. I put on my mask and go through the day of house cleaning, go to work to being a wife mother and friend. But reality is it's all pretend. 

And to be honest I don't know if or how much longer I can pretend before it all comes out. 

Im scared of breaking down and my hubby and children see me   

What will they think? I pretend because I'm scared to see the truth, to see the real me breaking down. So in a way I'm in denial of my issues. I don't want to see them don't want to go through therapy don't want to take meds and very very scared of getting better. Hence the mask of pretending. 

The mask covers me protects me from being so vulnerable so scared at times. It protects me in a way. 

Why don't I just tell my family? 

Thst is s really tough question to answer. I'm stiff scared hugely scared of being so open to everyone. There is a lot of fear and I guess rejection. You see when I told my mum about my abuse I thought I was doing the right thing in telling her but all I got was rejection and abandonment. This has impacted hugely on my life and people. 

Do I continue pretending or try somehow (don't know how) to open up to my family. 

I can't explain how scary this is, the fear the anxiety and even the temptation of running away and suicide - just so I don't need to face my demons and have to tell my family. Some days the fear and rejection abandonment- all those words scare me to death. 

BB 

[Former-Member]

Morning @BlueBay.  I'm sorry I do not have any advice for you, but I wanted you to know that I can relate to much of what you say.  I really feel for you, and send you my care and understanding.  I know its not much, but maybe it helps.

Sherry 

[BlueBay]

Thankyou @Former-Member

❤️BB 

[greenpea]

@BlueBay Hi BB I can only talk for me here ... from my perspective when my mi was diagnosed everyone expected me to just move on (except for my daughter who also suffers from mi and even my very mi son. Both of them understand.). I think this is the case amonst people who have never been walking in your shoes. My mother (God bless her) once said to me 'Why do people with a mental illness have to talk about it all the time?' she just doesn't get it and I dont think many people have the emotional intelligence do. It is not a criticism of them it is just a fact.

I keep alot of my mi thoughts to myself also as I don't want to worry my family. I figure I want to protect them as much as possible although sometimes it comes out ... when I am manic. Even on these boards I cannot truely let myself voice my inner feelings as the mods would come down harshly (and fair enough) but that leaves me little space to truly feel safe enough to except for my pdoc (and even then sometimes I desperately need anonymity to scream my pain).

Have a helped a little bit BB? I hope so. Don't forget we are always here to listen and help as much as we can in the limitations of the forums. Love gp xxxx

[Dearprudence9]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I read your post and I’m so sorry because I can hear how hard it is for you. I wish there were an easy answer. It’s not fair that people aren’t more understanding. It’s not fair that all that pain you’ve been carrying around can’t be expressed and be heard and listened to and feel ok. Opening up to family, like you did with your mother, about that stuff is so hard. And it’s awful when the response is like that because it just reinforces some of those inner feelings (at least it does for me). 

And it IS scary to think what will happen if it all comes out. What a breakdown will look like. What your husband and children will think. Because, at least for me, it feels so completely huge and that’s just when it’s stuffwd inside. 

All I can do is send virtual support and encouragement. Are you able to go and see a psychologist or therapist who works with childhood trauma? It is such a huge thing and no one can do it on their own. 

I’m so sorry if this hasn’t helped. But I read your post, I am really feeling for you, and I’m glad you were able to express it here. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @greenpea

i do keep a lot to myself because i don't want to hurt my family.  I am protecting them in a way I guess.  You have helped me in what you wrote.  Thanks for your support, 

Love BB 

[greenpea]

@BlueBay I hope I have helped even just a little bit. You are a lovely person BB don't forget it 🙂 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Dearprudence9

Thank for your reply.  I appreciate the words you have written.  I am currently seeing a psychologist who deals with childhood trauma.  She is really good but i am scared of letting her in too much for fear of losing her as mhy therapist.  

I guess i need to have trust and faith in her.

I've been hurt too many times by the people that are supposed to be my family (parents) and it is the hardest thing to accept.

I do like this forum because I can write and express how i am feeling.

[Dearprudence9]

Oh gosh @BlueBay - the worry of letting your therapist in too much and losing her - I can related to that sooooooooo much. 

Its such a huge part of childhood stuff. The abandonment, the worry of it happening - you’re exactly right. It’s the hardest thing to accept. 

Go slowly. I hope you’re able to keep seeing your therapist regularly and just go slow with things. It took me a year or two before I even started to trust that maybe she was still going to be there. And even then we’ve had to keep working on the trust because it is so incredibly wobbly. So I know it’s a huge thing to work on for me - and can only imagine that it’s jsut as big and maybe more so for you. 

Feel free to keep writing and i will try and keep checking back to read. I know it has helped me the last couple of days to write stuff on here and know that someone else gets it more than the other people in my life. 

Im sorry again that I can’t do more or fix stuff. But I’m glad you’re on here and that you shared all this. It’s big hard stuff. And it’s hard carrying it alone. 

[utopia]

@BlueBay. It would be good if you could eventually get it all out with your psychologist. As she is the one with the experience and skill to help you.

Your family (hubby and kids), they know something is wrong. They are probably waiting for you to share it with them. They are the ones who will wrap you in their arms and hold you and keep you safe. This family. Not your old family (parents).

You will be able to get it all out over time. But it does take time.