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Sahara
Community Elder

Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Hi Everyone,

 

I wanted to write about where I am at in my life- if anyone would like to write back, comment or share anything at all, then you are most welcome to do that.  

 

About 13 years ago, I suffered a major mental breakdown which involved severe, repeated panic attacks, severe generalised anxiety, major depression and possibly a touch of depressive psychosis. I had bizarre, confused thoughts and paranoia, anyway.... (I'm not sure if this was the beginnings of psychosis or not and I never asked the psychiatrist to confirm it.)

 

I thought I would be locked up in a psychiatric hospital forever and never make a recovery. Thank God that did not happen and I was actually never even hospitalised. 

 

Well, it has taken a very, very long time to recover, but I seem to be about 90% well now and haven't taken any medication (except for the occasional sleeping pill) for around five years. I am happily married, I study full-time and I work casually in a very easy job which hardly involves any real effort - (paradise for me!).

 

My main problem is that 3 of my closest female friends are people I can no longer relate to. 

 

I just spent the weekend with one of the women who I can no longer connect to on any deep level at all, and it was so disappointing and frustrating that I burst into tears! Luckily I didn't cry in front of her and she would not realise that I felt this way. 

 

I think what has happened is that I have done so much soul-searching and difficult, deep emotional work, that many people now seem very "shallow" to me. Of course, people are not really shallow, it's just that they are not used to talking about emotional things, they probably feel embarrassed or threatened and uncomfortable.  So they talk about money, fashion, food holidays and work. 

 

Its ts not that I mind talking about inconsequential things. But how long can you really sustain those conversations? And really what is that point of talking about all that stuff over and over again? It seems very pointless to me. 

 

I guess I am grieving a kind of loss. The loss of a frivolous life lived on the surface. I'm glad I have lost that kind of life, but it seems to make me different to everyone else. I feel different. 

 

 

 

18 REPLIES 18

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Hi @Sahara thank you so much for sharing, truly this is such a relatable issue that so many people struggle with - please know you are not alone.

 

You nailed it on the head, it's an ambiguous kind of grief, a lot to hold on your own no doubt. It's like the pay off for all of the deep emotional work, is this increidble insight, this shift in perception which naturally results in a shedding of friend groups. There may be a stint of loneliness but I assure you there is a new tribe of friends out there who can meet you at your emotional level Heart

 

Are there any activities you enjoy doing since recovering? Yoga or art or something you can sink your teeth into, potentially meeting like-minded individuals?

 

We're here to listen in the meantime and I do hope that this community helps you to feel less alone in the process of losing old friends Heart

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Thank you @nashy,

it is very good to know that someone else can reate to what I am going through..

In some ways this is a very small worry, but in another way, it is a wide-ranging problem with huge consequences for the way I live my life.

 

I do not want to break up with old friends.... I just wish they could acknowledge a more meaningful aspect of life, of what is really important to human beings.... Which I believe is a deeper connection. But I think I am howling for the moon.

 

We live in such a shallow world. Mostly, I don't mind and I get by... I just ignore all the rubbish that I can't be bothered participating in. It's only when I see old friends that I have to acknowledge the huge gulf between us and I feel so sad. Not that I would ever go back... Not in a billion years! I would much rather live with the insight that I've gained.

thank you.

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

You’ve been through things most people never will @Sahara You have someone watching over you or inner spirit maybe. Im glad your over your 13 year road. Ok finding your ‘old you’ friends as that is the last bit of the process. Maybe they’ll come back on some level. Or maybe they won’t. You’ve been on a Journey. All the Best.

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Thank you @TAB,

 

its  good to see you still on the forums. How are you doing, by the way? 

It has been a few day now since I burst into tears over my lack of connection with my friend. I am still thinking about it, but I realise that is is meant to be. We can never force another person to open up or to be the person we would like them to be. 

 

Also, I think it is really important to acknowledge that there is no such thing as a truly shallow person. (Except for perhaps a sociopath- but my friend is definitely not a sociopath!!) People only act shallow, or appear shallow, because they are either reluctant to go deeper due to fear or embarrassment, or else they see no need to go deeper, as their shallow life has served them well. 

 

When you have been through what I have, living on the surface is no longer an option. Thank you @TAB for saying that I have experienced something most people would never go through..... I actually never thought of it that way. We all have our troubles and mental illness is just one of many trials human beings can experience.  It's just that it gives you such insight.

 

what have you been up to? I remember we had some discussions about your family a while back. 

 

 

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Hi @Sahara hope it sorts itself out re friends. Yes its been a while. Um mother died. Father dying. Sister has power of attorney . Im only one who prob needs money others dont but still want their share ie sister. Think thats it in a nutshell lol

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Hey there @Sahara, I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your original post. People I was friends with before mental illness, I no longer relate to and find a lot of them incredibly shallow too. I'd hate to think I was once that shallow myself. Other friends now I've moved forward in my recovery, seem stuck on the playing the victim and would rather not play an active role in their own recovery. This frustrates me too and I feel I can no longer relate to that role.

So I find myself in a sort of limbo between those who have and do not have a mental illness. It seems the 'do nots' don't want anything to do with the the 'haves' (and that includes me). Getting healthy but losing old friends is a tough gig, especially when nobody is currently interviewing for the role of new best friend.

I wish you well regardless!

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

@TAB,

 

I am very sorry to hear of your family worries, that is really hard for you. I have experienced a few deaths in my family, too. It really takes its toll and it is very sad. I wish you much peace.

The money thing is always difficult and its normal for some tensions, I think. Yes, of course everyone will want their share and it won't make much difference who needs the money and who doesn't, unfortunately - I think it is just human nature. I hope you can work it all out with your sis.

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Hi @Queenie,

 

yes, I totally agree with you about people with MI who do not take an active role in their own recovery- that has always bothered me too, and hence I don't seem to have many friends with MI (er, that would be none, I guess!) or if people I know do have MI, then they are very quiet about it.

 

I faced a lot of opposition from people in my life when I sought help for my depression/anxiety. My partner at the time said "you don't need a doctor." My own mother said "you don't need to see a psychologist". Can you believe it? These were people who were supposed to care about me!

 

I had to be very determined to get help and to recover from MI as I had no support in my life and had to do everything myself. So if someone is getting all the support they deserve, yet they don't do anything at all to help themselves, I find it hard to comprehend. 

 

That other thing you mentioned, about wondering if I was once a shallow person too- yep, I am beginning to wonder that, and it is very intriguing to me. Great to hear from you, @Queenie!

 

Re: Getting healthy but losing old friends...

Well I was just recapping I guess @Sahara but it can be a recurring theme so to speak, I hope things get to make more sense with your friends 

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