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Confused6
Casual Contributor

Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Hi everyone,

Well this is my first post here. I guess like most people, I ended up on here because I'm confused and incredibly sad and beginning to be filled with anger/resentment. I have been googling everything I can to try and understand my situation. 

 

Heres the background: My partner and I had been together for almost a year. The year together was perfect. We travelled overseas together, our parents had become friends and we were moving in together in a few months time. To be honest, the relationship was perfect. Not even one fight. The last 2 weeks of our relationship he had begun to get slightly withdrawn and would snap easy. He blamed it on his final year exams. We spent the weekend before we broke up together. He told me on the Saturday morning I was his soul mate, we joked about our future kids names with his family at lunch on the Sunday and Sunday night he sent me a goodnight message saying how much he loved me. Everything seemed normal. The next day we chatted throughout the day and he told me he was having a bad day, he had a bad sleep and was in a bad mood. I rang him up to see what was wrong and he asked to come over for a chat. I still had no concerns what was to come. He ended our relationship in a 15 minute conversation. There was no discussion, no rationalising and worst of all no reason. He said that his depression had come back (this was the first I knew of it in our relationship) and that he had to be alone to get through it. He told me he had come to the decision to breakup Monday morning and described it as a 'switch' going off that this is what he had to do to help his mental health. He couldn't explain to me why he decided that though and why he wouldn't let me support him. He asked for no contact immediately. That killed me. Speaking to someone daily for almost a year and then nothing, compeltely gone. He contacted me 2 weeks ago to organise dropping my stuff off that was at his house. He has turned into a cold, hurtful person. Certainly not the man that I had fallen in love with. 

 

I am incredibly heart broken and sad. This was 4 weeks ago and my emotions are very much moving into my resentment for him. I don't understand how you can walk out of someones life who you say is your soul mate and that you love? Why would he not let me support him and be by his side? I also am starting to question how much of the relationship was genuine and how much he did to please me (he is a compulsive people please in every aspect of his life). I just wish so badly that he was able to open up to me and discuss what was going on instead of walking out on me. He has been married before and it was turbulent and full mistrust and depression. I just wish he could have seen that our relationship didn't have to be this way. He has said that he needs 6-12 months for himself and then we can see what the future holds. He is planning on getting mental health help however has no plans that I know of yet, uni is the only thing he will focus on. I have decided not to wait though, I need to focus on rebuilding myself now. I also know that I deserve someone who will stay by my side. Partners are meant to build each other up and support them even when one has forgotten how to walk, not walk out in a 'switch' of emotions. 

 

Anyway, I hope that made sense. I'm trying to take good care of myself. I'm exercising daily, seeing friends and trying to cook and eat well (uber eats is helping with that a little bit!). 

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Hello @Confused6 and welcome to the forum, it must be hard to have so much trust in a partner and then for things to change.

 

You ex sounds a lot like an ex I had, it's like they flip a switch with no warning. It hurts but you are right to concentrate on yourself. Just remember that nothing passes by you that is meant for you. 

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Thanks for your reply Lilyq, 

 

im sorry to hear that you have also gone through this. It is a horrible feeling to be blindsided. I feel like I was disposable in my ex’s life and it’s a really horrible feeling to have. My self-confidence has taken a beating which I will slowly start to rebuild. 

 

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Hi! I’m glad I found your post, I’m going through a similar issue with my partner of 8 months and completely understand where you are coming from. Depression came out early in our relationship (he’s suffered for years with it) but this time it’s paired with a drinking problem that has turned my amazing, loving boyfriend into some one I don’t recognize at times. We are currently having a short break after a very horrible fight that included a suicide threat and a ambulance ride to the hospital - He decided after that we needed time to reset. It’s so unbelievably hard, I have seen him at his worst and at his best and I love him so much but feel that he doesn’t want me around anymore. That I wronged him by how I cared for him.

To be honest there were some times I definitely wished I wasn’t there, depression is a very ugly and messy illness for some people but from what I’ve learnt from seeing my own therapist is that their depression is not our fault, we can only protect and look after ourselves and support them in whatever capacity that may be and that is all you can do in this situation, as hard as that may be. 

I wish you all the best for whatever lies ahead, I definitely feel Uber Eats is suitable company at this time - It’s definitely been my friend lately! 

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Hi Curveball, 

 

Thanks for replying. I’m sorry that you are also going through this as well. It sounds like your fight with your ex was incredibly intense. I think the one positive out of it is that you can now have some time to think what you want from this relationship and whether it is fair on yourself to be in a relationship with someone who acts like this. We have only selflessly loved our exes and given them everything we have. I think sometimes that the large complex mental health problems are just too much for our love.

its been 5 weeks since my breakup and I have very much received clarity that it wasn’t my fault and that I deserve to be loved just as I loved him. I had a few small wins lately; returning to the old running track that we both used and starting to meal prep for work again. I’m hoping the small wins will keep adding to the small amount of strength I gain everyday. Are you taking care of yourself? 

Keep your chin up 

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

Hi @Confused6

How are things with you now? I’m in a similar situation and would love to hear an update

Re: Depressed partner blindsided me and ended relationship

I can truly empathise. For me it was not depression but bipolar. 

 

Again an amazing relationship of 9 months where we loved one another and talked of a future together as we prepared to do 6 months of long distance. Then one day before a family wedding on our first morning in hotel together in the space of 10 mins she told me she loved her ex grabbed her stuff and ran away.

 

I realised a few days later after some hurt on both our parts she may be manic and she agreed. The next few weeks were so hard as I tried to manage distance and wanted to help her while she didn't care about me. Until things got bad then she leaned on me and claimed I saved her life talking her down on the phone. Eventually we more or less got back together and things were great. She told me she had no idea why she left me and really could not believe she did that to me. 

 

I then supported her her through a psych ward admission that she again claimed my actions saved her life. Then we took it easy in things and I kept supporting her. Then at a time I needed help in November she told me in a 10 minute phone call that she had lost feelings and wanted to date someone else she had a crush on. Heart breaking after I can remember her being in hospital crying in my arms begging me not to give up on her (I was never going to). I reacted poorly later that night and said things I did not mean and now she has broken off contact all together. I still worry she may call me back. 

 

It it seems some people are capable of just switching emotions in short spaces of time. And it has been so confusing. Although you may be able to get them back the risk always is history repeating itself. And for me the second time was much, much harder. Even though we discussed so many aspects of things being different and maintaining feelings.  

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