Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[astrengthinever]

Hi @Esme 

your story is so familiar. My daughter is 20 now and she got a diagnosis of BPD about 5 years ago. Her issues started presenting at about 7 years old with anxiety and self harm. As a single my I struggled enormously with the public mental health system and finally managed to get enough money to get back into the private health system. This was a turning point for her. There were programs she could engage in and she could get into hospital for containment and what her psych referred to as ‘circuit breakers’  rather than falling into major crisis and ending up in a public facility where all they ever had was a capacity to heavily medicate her and toss her out again. Schooling was also an issue and I eventually found a fantastic school that specialized in kids with psycho/social issues. This ensured she was kept within the education system until she was 18. 

All of this also meant I had time to breathe and finally manage to do some things for me. I joined a support group and I engaged in a few short courses in understanding and managing BPD. one of the biggest things I learnt there was that I could never change her but I could change me. When my attitude changed and I better understood how she saw the world I could validate how she felt. In doing this she felt more understood, accepted and heard. It changed our relationship (for the better) dramatically. 

I’d  love to be able to say she is all better but sadly that is not the case. But when I read your story it made me realize how far we have come in just a few years. Hang in there, look after yourself, and remember to just live in the moment. Worrying about what might be and what has been is a pointless waste of energy and quite frankly it’s energy that at the moment you can’t afford to waste. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Esme ....

I can’t add much to the advice you have been receiving here, because so much of it has already been offered by the other parent carers who have spoken up already.

A hidden and undiagnosed mh problem with my husband has thrown our family into chaos in recent years, and spinning out of that, our younger son developed issues.  It seems a personality disorder was triggered, but the seeds of that lie in the general personality type prevalent in this family, and resulted in anxiety, depression, social anxiety, and a shut-down.  

He (son) has been in the care of a pdoc for most of last year and underwent CBT and some DBT counselling.  The strongest advice was to create a life-change, preparatory to him moving out of home once he is back on his feet ... although the course of son’s treatment subdued a lot of the outwardly problematic behaviour in hubby, which primarily presented as major control issues, so the urgency about him moving out has reduced somewhat.

The life change has involved us moving states as a family, and out two youngest are now enrolled in uni here ..... a re-start for son.  It has not been smooth sailing, but seems to be starting to.  It has been a combination of providing family support, and son finding the wherewithal within himself to get back up and start putting his thinking, behavior choices, and life skills back in order.

Hubby is still the biggest issue and remains undiagnosed and untreated in the background, but now that he is not raging and controlling the wa6 he was, he may have to suffer health consequences of his own disorder / s before they become apparent enough to receive treatment.  He is completely unaware that he is unwell .....

[teachersusan]

Esme, in the past year I have bern through Headspace, CAMHS and now Orygen with my 15 year old son -luckily we are in the city.
He was excluded from school most of last year, but is back there now. Don't stress too much about school, mental health is more important. Education can wait, there are so many options for that.
We all know there is no easy answer, but exercise, getting amongst nature and pets give you something else to focus on for both of you.
The post above which says ' feel the pain and live through it' is very wise. I have allowed myself to feel all the horror, extreme anxiety and despair of having a suicidal and potentially homicidal son and I think you grow stronger by 'looking the beast in the eye' if you know what I mean.
I suppose it is a process of acceptance of the situation while being determined to change it by being patient and loving one day at a time.
You are not alone, though you feel like it most of the time. We mothers have been going through this type of thing for ever! It is the flipside to the joy of having children, and as I tell my son often, as horrible as it is, I would go through it a million times to have him in my life.
My thoughts are with you. X