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Seven
Contributor

BPD & Dealing with problems

Hi everyone!

 

I'm looking for some advice from people that have BPD or OCD, I have some previous posts explaining my situation with OCD and BPD and thank you to all members that have given support or comment I really appreciate it!!

 

I have an issue with my sister in law, in the past she has caused alot of issue between my wife herself and there mum where I have been supportive of my wife through these situations. I think due to my BPD I have been very protective of my wife and have over the years tried to keep my kids and wife away from her sister (my sister in law) due to her dummy spits and social issues she causes. 

Its now at a point after many years that my wife has had enough of my BPD, I admit I have been controlling because I do not want to loose my wife and I have been controlling because I have been trying to protect her and my kids from the BS of my sister inlaw and do not want her influence on them. 

My problem is that I'm struggling to get over this issue, no matter how hard I try to accept and push it away or accept and move on so my wife can rebuild her relationship with her I just can't accept. I have times when I think I have moved on and have gotten over it but then the next week it comes back again.

My relationship is now at a point where my wife has moved into another bedroom to create seperation from me to give her a rest from the questioning. 

My second issue is trust. I have intrusive thoughts about my wife cheating on me because I have a fear of loosing her. I question her all the time about situations mostly when she has been around my friends and they might have had a laugh with her or seem like they are having fun together in my presence. My mind then makes up horrible movies of her cheating on me with them and I can't get rid of them either. She is far from that sort of person and I know deep down she would not do that as she is not a flirty person (more a tom boy) but my mind just keeps making up these stories and its destroying my relationship. I've seeked mental help through professionals but it doesn't seem to work. 

 

Does anyone have any experience with this same sort of thing and if so what things have you done to try to over come the thoughts and how to overcome social issues with people and how have you moved on. Its so hard!! I jsut want to feel happy and free and not have these things hassel me every day. I just want to wake up happy with joy. Is it possible??

 

Thanks for your help guys!! Have a great day!! 🙂

5 REPLIES 5

Re: BPD & Dealing with problems

Hi @Seven 🙂

It sounds like you're working really hard to acknowledge some of the issues you're experiencing as well as trying to overcome them - I think that's awesome.

I don't really have experience with this one but I know that sometimes when I try really hard to push something away or get over it it can kind of backfire a bit as I end up giving more 'space' to it (that might make more sense in my mind - sorry!). It's like I am fighting myself trying to make something different that maybe can't be different at that point in time, or I am trying to control something that is out of my control, and I become even more muddled in doing so.

You spoke about having difficulty accepting things and that's something I've struggled lots with. Something that helped me was to see that I can 'accept' but not 'approve'. While I may not approve of something (or many things!) I can work on accepting my feelings, accepting that I can't change the situation, accepting that there are things I can and can't control etc. I'm not sure if that perspective is one that might help you but it was a small shift for me that has had a big impact.

Are there things you and your wife enjoy doing that you might be able to focus on to bring you together more? Maybe that's something you could look into putting energy and headspace towards?

Hope you find some of that happiness and joy soon 🙂

Re: BPD & Dealing with problems

Thanks for sharing your experience @Seven, it sounds like you are very self-aware of what is happening and also quite logical to know that your thoughts are due to BPD and OCD. Have you been able to tell your wife why you feel the way you do about her sister? 

Re: BPD & Dealing with problems

@Ali11 @CheerBear  Hi guys!!

 

Thank you both very much for taking the time to reply. I have spoken to my wife about all of this and she agrees and has taken my side over the years on issues with her sister but its now at a point where she has been able to accept and move on and forgive her sister for some of the issues. I think this is great and I understand that you can not hold a grudge forever and I respect the fact that she is mature about this and is and has been the bigger person.

My problem is that I can not forget the mental pain and anxiety I went through to protect my wife and still going through. I think what I'm most affraid of is going through the extremely hard process of forgiveness which is so hard to do with BPD just to be hurt again.

I constantly explain to my wife that I just have a gut feeling that I will be hurt again from your sister and nothing with change. As I write this I sit here with such disappointment that I'm a grown middle age man that should be confident and proud and not let crap like this even remotely bother me but it does. I'm disappointed that I just can't get over it and move on like any normal man or women would do.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate but I'm a very successful person, I like nice things, I dress well, I'm super fit, love going to the gym, eat healthy have two amazing kids that archive the greatest things in everything they do. From an outsider looking in on my life you would say everything is perfect, I even run my own business and am super motivated to archieve and do better everyday.

But on the inside my mind spends 99% of the day worrying about how someone might hurt me emotionally.

Sorry all, just venting but I hope that maybe by me opening up about my thoughts and feelings that someone else might read this and say "Wow that guys sounds exactly like me" and that it might make them feel a bit better about themselves knowing they are not alone as well.

My other major issue (I only really have two issues I deal with on a daily basis) is the fact that I always worry about my wife and her ex partners and or her cheating on me with someone I know. I constantly get movies playing in my head of my wife laying in bed with her ex partners sleeping with them. She has been honest with me about this and I appreciate that but I just can't help to think about her enjoying herself with others and not me. She always tells me that " I chose you not them" and I get that but I still have this doubt in my mind that she enjoyed sleeping with them more than she does with me. Does anyone else have thoughts like this? How do I move on? I understand that this obviously stems from self doubt that I have about myself or confidence issues but thats the BPD kicking in, we all have issues about who we are and if we are good enough for ourselves and others. 

I'm a very intellegent person, just like most people with Depression, Anxiety, OCD, BPD, Bipolar etc, its like our brains are constantly cranked up to the speed of 20 when everyone else is dialled in around 7 or 8. 

The thing is....I understand the lodgic around why and how BPD works and why we/I have this issues but the problem is that its like my brain sees the problem but just can't fix it.

Sorry for the long winded brain dump but I just feel if there is anyone else out there that goes through this sort of thing on a daily basis it would be nice to hear from you and share your views on how you deal with it.

 

Have a great day everyone, thank you to all those that reply and put in time to support other on here, you do a fantastic job!!! LEST WE FORGET today!! 😉

Re: BPD & Dealing with problems

Good morning everyone,

 

How do I go about trying to repair my relationship with my wife, I have BPD and have pushed her away over the last few years to a point where we sleep in different bedrooms and she is threating to leave me soon and move out as she sees thats the only way to create distance so we can heal.

 

What do I do? Do I just keep my mouth shut and try to rebuild the trust in the relationship?

Does anyone else live with someone with BPD and how do you manage with it?

 

Thank you

Re: BPD & Dealing with problems

Hey @Seven, apologies for the long delay in responding to you. We hope you had a better day today. Self-doubt can be cruel in that it affects everyone - yourself and your family. It sounds like you both have a lot of healing to do, is there someone that you both can talk to together? 

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