Lived Experience Forum

[Frederick]

To be fair, I've been in much worse states than this years ago. In 2006 I was hospitalised for depression and was lucky to survive. Since then the meds and good lifestyle kept things mostly under control. There was frequent depressed mood, but never enough to seriously impact my generally high functioning life.

So for 11 years things were bearable, the meds, lifestyle, and CBT strategies kept things manageable. So I now sometimes struggle to understand why the depression has hit me so hard the last 10 mths and why no variety or amount of meds seems to be able get it under control. One of the meds has helped but I have also piled on 15kg of weight because of it, and sometimes I get these very unpleasant 'extrapyramidal symptoms' with muscle tension/tightening at night. If the dose is lowered, the appetite reduces but the depression spikes again.

My mood fluctuates like the wind. When I am feeling unusually happy, I have to unfortunately remind myself that this means I am still unwell, and the more un-naturally high I am the harder I will come crashing down. Overall the number of good days has increased, but the bad days hit me hard. Sometimes I think, how is it possible to cope with this agony of depression? But in the worse case scenario, I have a good safety plan to make sure I get whatever help neccessary before I ever became a danger to myself. I can smile and converse, and work apparently normal, but if only people could know what is really being felt inside.

When I feel like I can't cope, I often tell myself that I have to find a way to cope, there's no other option. And there are still some behaviours ('behavioural activation') that can help and provide at least some relief.

[Delicatessen]

Can totally identify with you @Frederick. For me, when i am unwell its hard to know where i start and where my bipolar ends.

You seem to have some awareness of whats happening in your space which is a good sign so you can take some steps to try to get well. I am often "unaware" that I'm unwell and have to be told by my doctor that things are not right.

I het terribly down about the weight gain. And find my concerns are not shared by my doctors whose first priority is to be mentally well. I have not accepted my new body shape and do dieting but it doesnt help much.

I doubt any of the above has been of help but i can say 'chin up' and that it sounds like you're doing all the right things. You're not alone.

[Frederick]

Thanks! I’m surprised they haven’t developed an effective weight loss pill yet. Regarding the awareness of mood changes, I don’t think anyone notices these changes 100% of the time. I would say I’m very insightful with my condition, but I still didn’t notice the last depressive episode until it was a major problem. How do I get to work most of the time and be productive, be an effective father, with this depression - who knows.

[Chamomile]

Hi @Frederick,

Im sorry to hear about what you're going through. Thanks for sharing your experience here, its not easy to reach out when under the rock of depression. I hope that you continue to get responses and support from other members here.

Do you mid if I ask if you have been diagnosed with bipolar1 or bipolar2?

[Rayzed_Edge]

Hi @Frederick

Thank you. I found your post insightful considering the periods of deep depression I experienced at times before being diagnosed BP.  (My psychiatrist has commented that if I had been put on anti-depressants at the time, it would have brought on a manic episode.)

I've been scared of the weight gain and so tried to get back to my exercise quickly (to find out that my meds were effecting that).  If anything, I would say I've lost my apetite.

Being new to my BP1 diagnosis, I'm still yet to understand and experience the long term effects and don't know what is on the horizon.  Once I'm fully stable and healed from my manic episode, my wife (who is very supportive) is keen to have a safety plan.

But I know all about smiling and pretending you are okay ... the flaw in ruok ... you can pretend until you're ready to acknolwedge you're not.