Lived Experience Forum

[Dearprudence9]

I hate being an alter. I hate that no one sees ME. They see Jess “acting different”. No one asks ME how I’m doing. They ask “Jess”. 

And I’m stuck out right now for some reason and I can’t talk to anyone about it and it effing sucks ass. 

[Chamomile]

Hi @Dearprudence9,

I can definitely see how that would suck, feeling unaknowledged and misunderstood. How long have you struggled with DID for? I think there is alot of misunderstanding about what DID is, and this can mean that sometimes even the most well meaning caring people might not know the best way to be supportive. 

Is there anyone in your life, a professional or someone in your personal life, who you feel you might be able to articulate the needs that your different alters have?

Anybody else on the forum have advice or ideas to share with @Dearprudence9?

[Dearprudence9]

Hey @Chamomile

Thank you for your comment/reply. It’s C here. I am sort of the part/alter that organises and is kind of the default one of us our for most interactions. Though that tends to change when I’ve been out for a long time and things have been super stressful, which they have been lately. 

Mer do have a therapist who has been working with us for years now and is very helpful. But she hasn’t been around the last few weeks. 

As for how long we’ve struggled with DID for? DID develops in early childhood due to ongoing early childhood trauma (usually before the age of 6-9). So this would have developed when we were quite young. 

As for our awareness of it and each other as parts/alters - that didn’t happen till about 2013/2014. After about a year with our therapist. Trust is a huge issue and it took a year or so to start to trust our therapist and during an appointment she has told us that another part/later came out. Since then it has been a huge process of learning and becoming more aware and starting to work through a huge bunch of stuff. 

We have only come across two or three people who are able to understand or try to understand, but most of the time it is just us dealing with it by ourselves and with our therapist. 

It wasn’t till last year that some of the really big stuff began coming out in therapy and it has really made things more difficult. As memories/feelings/sensations come out of nowhere and there seems to be less control over things. 

I hope one day there is more awareness in the mental health community about this. A nurse yesterday said to Jess “so this morning you were C”. And while it is true that alters are all parts of the one person - it does not mean that when I’m out that Jess is me. Or when Jack is out that’s Jess is Jack. 

I wish even I could explain it better. 

I suppose it’s in the name DID = dissociative identity disorder. Dissociation. 

Anyway - sorry if that didn’t make any sense. And apologies if this comes across as non feeling. That’s one of my things. I don’t tend to feel the feelings. I’m just here to get on and do things and be the face of things for interactions a lot of the time. 

Thank you for your thought and care in responding. 

C

[Chamomile]

Hi @Dearprudence9,

There is no need to apologise at all. Your explaination is very clear. Also, though you are not feeling the feelings, your words do not give this away. Im sorry to hear that is has been so hard to find people who understand you and know how to communicate with you, all of you. 

I hope that you are finding solidarity and support here, and that you will continue to reach out and share. Your courage in coping is inspiring.

[Maggie]

Hi @Dearprudence9 I/We have DID. I understand too well the struggles you and your alters are facing. I also hope there will come a day when there is more understanding and acceptance regarding this.

Its a lonely road, even though there is always internal company. I have found a good counsellor, it sounds like you have also. Facing the memories is no easy task. 

Just dropping in hoping momentarily you don't feel so alone in your journey.

[Former-Member]

@Dearprudence9,

Hello C,

I also have DID and while I am the main one I share my life vessel with 3 regular alters and possibly other here and there ones.

One of my alters also has this struggle with being called just another part of me. While she is only 8 she often becomes fustrated when people don't accept her as a separate person with her own needs seperate to mine.

My three main alters are all children with the 8 Year old as the eldest and an autistic 4 year old is my youngest but my most common alter is 6.

While I am not co-conscious with any of them I have come to accept them and learnt through others things they like.

Such as they all like colouring so they each have a pencil case and books.

Miss 6 likes pokemon so I got a ds and pokemon games for her as well as cards.

Miss 8 has her special box that has a number lock and a diary it helps her deal with trust issues having a number lock because only she knows the code i have no idea what it is.

And miss 4 is still a working progress as her only interests seem to be colouring and watching clouds. There is a struggle with communication as she does not speak

Other people still say to me oh you were so and so today it seems to just be natural to them saying it but people closest to me understand that they are not me and treat them as sperate people even though we are all in the one body 

I don't have any advice on how to get people to accept you as a seperate person to jess but there a way for you to make you feelings known to her as all my alters can write (sometimes hard to read) we have a share book where we leave messages to eachother. This helped us alot to learn more about eachother and made it easier for me to get things to make them happy or fix problems that may have arisen while one of them was out

[-Rayne-]

@Dearprudence9

i hate not having my own body. lucky to have some friends of my own and some we share who no us individually but more than anything i want my own f#@king body. it really sux

sam