Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Jane9]

After 4 years and 3 months together, I've finally given up and it's devastating. I do love my now ex partner (with bi polar, and probably BPD ) and she loves me but I haven't coped for so long despite excellent individual therapy and couples counselling. I haven't managed being with someone who is both loving and mean. It's been confusing and damaging. Our constant conflict hurt us both.

She has the most compassionate and thoughtful nature I've ever seen on some days /hours and then the worst rage, blame and anger at the other times. I felt consistently pushed and pulled by her demands for attention, possessiveness and feelings of abandonment when I was taking a couple of days of respite leave after a fight to see my mother interstate. She controlled her environment to feel safe and secure but the result was that I felt controlled and unable to make choices for myself in the home, her house (as she refused to leave her old rental)

When I had serious needs and worries like having to talk to my ageing father with Parkinson's about wills and power of attorney, her needs would always trump mine. Her cat was dying at the same time. I started a new job after years working for myself and yet her job worries trumped mine. I gave myself over to her needs and lost myself in her world and home until my own mental health suffered. I lost my confidence, my sense of purpose and my sleep suffered with ongoing stress. I couldn't stop crying. I was always worried about her potential mood changes. I lost myself.

I feel such guilt that I couldn't cope, that I became angry and defensive when I felt harmed by her behaviour, when she really can be very nice. My attempts at boundary setting quickly deteriorated in the end into a repetitive reactive pattern of resentment and victimhood.

How could I get angry with someone with childhood trauma experiences? Is a carer allowed to be disgruntled and angry? How much can we expect our partner to change? Are they able to change? I just want to think about myself for a while. Does that make me a bad person?

I have just left the most interesting and loving person I've ever known yet my head says it's the right decision to look after my own needs first for a change. She's gone into private hospital as she's not coping. It's just so sad.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Jane9

I saw the title of your thread and the word ending drew me to read what you have written.

ending, finishing, over very heavy words

I am reading between the lines that you are feeling drained,empty, exhausted.

caring for someone with a mental illness/illnesses is very exhausting and some people suffer compassion burn out.

I am glad that you found the carer side over here.

many will understand where you are.

important to just rest and not focus on anyone just yourself now.

your turn to be cared for.

let us offer you our form of care...listening....not judging...supporting when we can

@Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51 

[soul]

Hi @Jane9 - this is indeed a sad time for you. You are suffering from a loss and you are grieving. Whilst you are trying to process it, your head will be filled with all manner of confusion and questions - all those what ifs and if only .....

You have tried to make things work and there is no shame in acknowledging that you can't do it anymore. This relationship has taken its toll on your own mental health. The highs and lows can be devastating and emotionally exhausting. Unfortunately extremes of your partner's mental illness is a package deal. You have weighed up the benefits and costs and decided what to do. 

Be kind to yourself now. You can't just switch off the affection you felt. Quite possibly you are feeling some anger as wel as the sadness. In time, you will come to a place where you smile as you remember the good things but you would also do well to recall why you had to leave. 

I have been in your shoes. Wishing you well. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Jane9 .....

I am sorry to hear you have suffered so much for your relationship.  Yes, carers definitely do suffer burnout, and can become angry and resentful as a part of that.  It is also common for the other person to arrive at rock bottom before they seek or accept more help and support, and I have heard that that often involves the threat of, or the actual loss of, their primary relationships.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Jane9

It is very sad indeed. I can't add much to what was already said except that when one in a relationship takes more than they give it starts to take a toll and drains all our energy. And when it comes to the point the relationship is having extreme adverse effects on our mental health - it can cross into becoming abusive. And we have no choice then but to move away.

Regardless if suffering mental illness or not there has to be boundaries made clear that cannot be cross for a relationship to be possible; for love to be nurtured and survive it has to be a two way street. 

I hope your ex finds healing and peace and you find yourself again. 

[Jane9]

Thanks so much for replying. Yes it's grief. I can't stop crying.

Yes I can't believe that finally after all these years of using hospital as a sort of threat, she has admitted herself to the clinic as a voluntary patient. She is getting really good support and she feels safe. If only she'd done this before instead of blaming me for not giving enough and threatening to be admitted if I didn't give more. (I can honestly say that I gave more than 100% even when I was depleted I prioritized her needs).

Yes I've been told its abusive behavior when she acted controlling and switched on rage with me and pleasantry with other people. It's hard to distinguish what's mental illness and what's choice.

Yes I am drained, empty and exhausted. I have compassion fatigue and more than that, my day job has been with traumatised refugees so I have had my fill of trauma. At work,at home. All the time. This week I've given up that job as well as my relationship
.
Yes I'm terrified of being judged. I am judged by her sister who used to be so supportive, saying she had 3 years of rest from this intense caring but as soon as I started getting distressed, overwhelmed and unfortunately angry, she withdrew her support. I am judged by her close and protective friends who see her face to face once a month for one hour, which is all she can handle. I was her go to person (and her sister) for everything. I judge and blame myself.

Yes I need to remember why I'm leaving. It's been so hard. It's only been one day since we formally broke up.

I am learning about compassion. I suddenly feel overwhelmed with compassion for her situation. It's part guilt. Part remorse. Part regret and part just seeing who she is as a human being outside of all this conflict and pain.

I just need to find self compassion as well I think.
I feel like I could do with a stint in a private hospital myself! To be cared for. fed, nurtured, listened to. Thanks so much for listening and not judging.

[soul]

Sending you the warmest possible hug @Jane9. Be kind to yourself. It's not being selfish - it's looking after yourself for a change. You will get through this. It hurts like crazy right now because you care so much. 

Remember something you enjoyed doing and make a point to do that this weekend. Thinking of you. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Jane9 .... 🌷

You will find that you are not judged here.

In my long-term stressful care situation I have developed the next best thing to being hospitalised for personal care.  I walk to a local coffee shop and have someone else making coffee for me every morning.  This also gets me walking as a form of recovery therapy.  I can order breakfast there too, and although it is more expensive than, say, cooking porridge or eggs at home, I consider it health insurance for me.

I also go for regular foot massages.  Without wanting to sound creepy about it, this involves caring human touch.  Even though it is a service that is being aid for, it still provides nurture .... and I consider this health insurance for me.  Many therapists will write a receipt for health insurance companies for a rebate if it can be considered therapeutic towars your health,  your gp may be able to assist with this.

I play music, using my phone and earbuds.  This helps to circumvent rotational thought patterns where you can keep replaying events in your mind, trying to resolve them when they really aren't resolvable, or focussing on the pain caused by your ex's sister and friends responding negatively towards you.

I get create too.  I am a painter, but jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, handcrafts, gardening ..... anything that can take your mind off it and engage your creativity helps.

You might not feel much better initially, but these sort of activities have an accumulative affect towars your well-being,

💜

[Jane9]

Thanks so much faith and hope. You live by your name! You've really thrown yourself into the forum and made great connections and worked and continue to work through some really tough things I thought of you when I read that they new discussion topic was for men who wouldn't seek help. I wish you all the best for yourself and your family. I'll go to the coffee shop today!

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Jane9 ..... 💜💕

Btw ..... there is no need to leave the forums while they are still supporting you through this time of your own recovery.