Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone 

how do we communicate effectively? 

Im finding that since my diagnosis of depression, anxiety, cptsd and BPD almost 9 yrs ago I’m not communicating properly with my hubby.  And because he doesn’t understand my diagnosis he doesn’t communicate much at all. 

I remember once he told me “it’s your problem”!!!

it really angers and frustrates me 

when I tell him something eg “our friend is now doing cooking classes in her cafe” he replied “oh yeah”!!!!

thsts it. He never continues the conversation. 

I don’t know how best to communicate. I seem to be blaming myself for a lot of things going wrong incl communication. 

Has anyone got any thoughts. 

[Queenie]

you know @BlueBay, my Mrs and I are in couples counselling for this very issue. Only it is my fault this time, I shut down a lot with her and think the worst of every situation. She thinks I bottle too much up and not share my feelings enough with her (and to be honest I probably do it because I don't want her getting hurt). It is so complicated communicating with a partner/husband/wife etc and then to throw a MI into the mix? Super complex!

Slowly bit by bit we learning what makes each other tick, even if it does hurt our egos a little along the way. We had a task set by our counsellor where we had to spend two weeks oversharing everything. Say for instance, I had to say to my wife every single time I was going to the toilet, eating, dressing... everything. We soon learned our happy medium. 

[CheerBear]

Hey @BlueBay. Communication can definitely be a tricky one!

I try and use "I" statements when I'm communicating, especially if it involves a potentially heated or difficult conversation. People tend to respond a lot better to "I feel" than "you did". I feel..., I would like..., I think... they're pretty good go-to ones in my experience.

I find communication extra difficult when my emotions take over, so I also try really hard to walk away before it gets to that. Its not always easy though.

Would your husband be open to working out a time to sit and chat with you about the way you are communicating with each other? Maybe it could help to set aside a little time, establish and agree on some 'rules' for the conversation together (listen, not interrupt, no personal attacks etc), and/or a time limit, then see how you go. I've had a couple of productive conversations this way before but both people have to be open to it I think and it can take some deep breaths to get through!

Hugs 💙

[Surfbird]

Hi @BlueBay

I've been reading and learning about this over the last year, John Gottman has excellent books about what you are talking about. I've been struggling with similar issues, although I have the exact same diagnosis I would say I was much more like your husband, I had to learnt to respond to his bids for attention / conversation etc and not see things as his problem but as ours, I had to learn we were on the same team not struggling against each other  all the time, I hope you work thru this with hubby , good luck 

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Queenie@CheerBear@Surfbird for your comments. I appreciate it. 

Its hard because at times I wish he was like other husbands. My friend told me thst she and her hubby almost talk. Maybe I’m expecting him to be different. And I guess he won’t change. 

And that’s the thing this communication problem is “our” problem not just mine. 

A few years ago my psychologist suggested we hsve a few sessions together. He would make me dsy how I was feeling snd how I’m coping. Hubby had to listen very carefully and then repeat what I said. A lot of times he got it wrong. And I wanted to interrupt when he was tslking to give my piece but I had to be quiet snd let him ccontinue talking. 

I think communication takes effort if it falls down. And because we’ve been married fir 32 yrs you become comfortable with how things are. It’s just  recently I’ve thought wow our communication is crap. 

I think I’ll bring it up with my therapist. 

I really appreciate your input. 😊