Lived Experience Forum

[utopia]

Been struggling with my depression lately. Probably didn't help that I forgot to take my meds last night. Second time in a week.
My mood has been flat for days. Easily irritable. Even here on the forum, I find myself getting irritated. And with friends.
That is not who I am. I hate that this is how depression can change my personality. Make me someone I'm not.
Started to get anxious about traveling into the city tomorrow. Not my favorite place. Too many people. And now with my depression up front and centre, it just increases my anxiety about the trip to Melbourne.
Started to notice my breathing changing patterns and my body getting 'trembles'. The beginnings of a Panic Attack. Just the thought of a Panic Attack, increases my anxiety and the attacks strength.
Just the thought of it, turns my rational thinking to mush. And the fears come rolling in. It's bloody awful.
So I've been watching some tele - trying to distract myself. Looked up coping techniques for Panic Attacks online. And read through some helpful tips.
It's amazing. I know this stuff. I normally 'live it'. The calm breathing. The knowing I can't die from a Panic Attack. All of that. But I thinkiit's been helpful to look at the helpful tips again. Especially when an Attack feels like it's coming.
I still feel 'jittery' & out of sorts. Anxious. And teary. But I'm breathing through those thoughts and calming myself down. At least to a level where I don't feel like the Panic Attack is about to hit.
I hate these attacks. I hate depression. I hate anxiety. I hate it all.
But I can get through it. I can get past this latest episode.
I just need to keep breathing.
(No responses needed. Just needed to put it out there. To express it)

[Mazarita]

Sending calm vibes your way, @utopia. 

[Mazarita]

@utopia, I'm up for a little while if you do happen to need someone to chat to.

[utopia]

Thank you @Mazarita.

[Former-Member]

Can fully relate Utopia

The story on anxiety on Sixty minutes the other night was a good one.I liked in particular when it was mentioned how when you tell someone you have anxiety the general response is a negative one because it's seen as a unrecognized not real condition.I was told by a neighbour once to "suck it up",never forget it.Breathing is hard ,at times in severe distress I had to lay on the floor and that seemed to slow the breathing.I think the fact that my experiences in life have made me live on the "fight or flight" response has had a high impact on my downfall in anxiety and depression.I find reading a book to divert the thoughts is one of the best but mostly the best is to lay my cat.The Sixty Minutes story the other night featured a ex policeman who now has a anxiety dog who knows when he is in the process of having a panic attack.He jumps on him and touches his face which brings him back into reality when he is in panic mode in a shopping centre etc.After a four year counseling time which I realise was useless and antidepressants,I think the pets therapy is the best 

[Former-Member]

Can fully relate Utopia

The story on anxiety on Sixty minutes the other night was a good one.I liked in particular when it was mentioned how when you tell someone you have anxiety the general response is a negative one because it's seen as a unrecognized not real condition.I was told by a neighbour once to "suck it up",never forget it.Breathing is hard ,at times in severe distress I had to lay on the floor and that seemed to slow the breathing.I think the fact that my experiences in life have made me live on the "fight or flight" response has had a high impact on my downfall in anxiety and depression.I find reading a book to divert the thoughts is one of the best but mostly the best is to pat my cat.The Sixty Minutes story the other night featured a ex policeman who now has a anxiety dog who knows when he is in the process of having a panic attack.He jumps on him and touches his face which brings him back into reality when he is in panic mode in a shopping centre etc.After a four year counseling time which I realise was useless and antidepressants,I think the pets therapy is the best .I know because as I said on this site my cats are the only reason I'm alive.

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia

Glad that looking up the helpful tips has helped you to feel a bit more in control. I often feel similar that.. I know what i should do, I know what is happening iwth my responses though at times still feel powerless about them. 

Fingers crossed today goes ok, can you have a recovery day tomorrow?

lj

[Former-Member]

@utopia   I can totally relate.  Much of what you are saying could be coming off my keyboard.  It's weird how no matter how rational we are, that this shite can turn us into something else, no matter how much we know, no matter how much we tell ourselves the "right" thing.  Finding that way back to "us"  our real selves, can feel like groping around in the darkest of dark for a light swtch we know is there but we just can't feel it.

Just wanted to put this in for validation really.  To say to you that you are not alone in these situations, that other "rationalists" suffer exactly the same frustrations.

Only  thing I know to do is find what works for you, and keep doing it, but that's  easier said than done, I know.  i'm sorry. It's a frstrating hell to fight against,  especially when you know you have the ability somewhere to break it, but you just can't do it.  You will though.  

[Former-Member]

So sorry you're going through this again @utopia. I hope it passes quickly for you. You are always the shining example of someone who doesn't give up though and keeps finding ways through. I know this isn't much of a constellation when you are going through it though. I hear you with how crappy it all is. Here with you in the trenches by your side. 

Sending loads of hugs 💜🤗💐

[utopia]

Thank you everyone. Somedays I just need to put it out there. Say what's on my mind.
I'm feeling stronger this morning. About to head off for Melbourne soon.
I've packed a good book and some paper and pen for doodling. I should be right. I just tend to let my anxiety build the day before an event. Then when the day comes around, it's not that bad.
So thank you all.
Might start another thread in the new few days about why all rational thought disappears during hightened anxiety. And how things we can normally cope with - push us right out of our comfort zone. And am I the only person whose personality changes? Empathetic caring me - turns into an 'I don't give a s*** for anyone else' monster.
I really don't know how you guys and gals with severe anxiety cope.
Anyway. Today will be alright.